Here comes Christmas again. On the one hand I'm looking forward to spending time at home with the whole family together and go walking, and to a certain extent I'm looking forward to the inevitable political debate after Christmas dinner (in a fairly limited way - Uncle Peter always gets a bit scarely emphatic!) But on the other hand I'm not looking forward to the bickering, Gran getting morbid when she's had a couple of drinks, and the over-preperation. I guess it's a matter of taking the rough with the smooth! Of course I am looking forward to doing the decorating and wrapping pressies and stuff, but I've three shifts to do before then and it's going to be extreemly quiet - virtually a waste of time, but it's money and I can't turn that down atm.
Speaking of money and jobs I'm still on the job hunt: I've had a couple of interviews since August but nothing has panned out yet. I'm not utterly down-hearted or anything, but it's increasinly difficult to maintain a positive attitude! It's not all doom and gloom: I asked for feedback on an unsucessful application for a research position with the SLD and the guy got back in touch very quickly. I wasn't asked in for an interview but I was next on the list had anyone dropped out, and the only reason I wasn't asked was because the other candidates had governmental experiance as temps. So that leads me to say that I've applied to a temping agency, and I'm just awaiting my disclosure form being returned before I can be put to work at long blooming last! And I spent today looking for jobs, and have about 11 to apply for over the next few weeks. It'll keep me busy anyway!
MSc graduation came and went: it was a nice, eventful day rounded off by a meal at La Gerrique, as last year.
The next few days should at least be eventful: tomorrow I'm back up in Edinburgh for drinks and a birthday party (and possibly a cocktail party there-after!), then on Saturday I've work and will hopefully see Doug when he gets in, Sunday is more work followed by a meal and drinks with whoever's around, Monday will be about the same, then home on Tuesday. And hopefully I'll manage to spend a bit of time with my boyfriend too :P
Right, I need to make a list of stuff I need to do over the next couple of days! I'll try and write more soon...
Thursday, 18 December 2008
Saturday, 1 November 2008
A self-ingulent whine.
This evening should have been a lot of fun. Should have been. As you might have guessed, it wasn't. So now I'm sitting in bed drinking neat tequila and blogging about why it was shit: this should give you some idea of quite how bad it was!
A bunch of us went out to see the Blues Brothers show at the Festival Theatre - the show itself was fantastic: can't fault that. But I spent quite a lot of the evening feeling like I had no point being there: everyone else in that particular social group either lives with another person in that group or is dating one of them. Everyone except me. I felt very isolated. I don't feel that I have the connections in that group that everyone else does: I wasn't in the same uni class, I don't live with another member of the group, I'm not dating another member of the group. I am essentially rootless. During dinner especially I felt the desire to get up and just leave, and I doubt anyone there would have followed me or asked if I was ok. It's not that I think that they don't give a damn about me, but there's just not the same imperative for any of them as there would be if it were someone they were connected to. I feel very issolated because a lot of the people I'm closest to are very far away, and I feel like I'm loosing my relevance here and with these people who I count as friends. I feel it especially because I've been edged out by someone who's trying to carve a place for themselves, and because of how other members of the group feel towards this person it's making my gradual fading-out that much swifter. I sometimes wonder whether I shouldn't just have left in March when I had the oppertunity and the reason, then I wouldn't be in this position. So in other words I spent the evening feeling like a spare wheel, unwell, hormonal and upset and very unloved. Most of the time I get the impression that people expect me to be fine and able to deal with stuff because I'm relativly mature and tend to be there when everyone else needs a hug and a chat. Is it too much to ask that when I'm looking upset and down that someone just gives me a hug and tells me that everything will be ok? Most of this has been reinforced by people making plans and forgetting to invite me (or plain just not bothering) or talking about plans they're making as a group to which I'm clearly not welcome. I just wish they could be a little more sensetive to the fact that I don't have that connection. I feel so alone here now. I feel like I don't belong to any group and am therefore very easily disregarded. The fact that someone who is relatively new to the group has just slide into place as a flatmate and a partner to other people means that they get invited to stuff that I won't because I don't have those links. I'm on the periphery and already getting further and further away.
This builds on the insecurities which are the basis of my depression, so it's triggering a lot of stuff in that direction. In high school someone who had been a friend deliberately tried to break me out of my circle of friends, for a reason which to this day I cannot define. She did everything except tell everyone else not to talk to me. This was during my sixth year, so I spent the greater part of that year feeling unwelcome in my own group because someone didn't want me there for reasons not shared by the rest, and when I left for uni that was the experiance which followed me. I'm almost continually paranoid that people I believe to be friends will turn around and hurt me for no reason. Much of what I have said so far is the hormones talking, but they're just allowing me to say what has been at the back of my mind for quite some time.
A bunch of us went out to see the Blues Brothers show at the Festival Theatre - the show itself was fantastic: can't fault that. But I spent quite a lot of the evening feeling like I had no point being there: everyone else in that particular social group either lives with another person in that group or is dating one of them. Everyone except me. I felt very isolated. I don't feel that I have the connections in that group that everyone else does: I wasn't in the same uni class, I don't live with another member of the group, I'm not dating another member of the group. I am essentially rootless. During dinner especially I felt the desire to get up and just leave, and I doubt anyone there would have followed me or asked if I was ok. It's not that I think that they don't give a damn about me, but there's just not the same imperative for any of them as there would be if it were someone they were connected to. I feel very issolated because a lot of the people I'm closest to are very far away, and I feel like I'm loosing my relevance here and with these people who I count as friends. I feel it especially because I've been edged out by someone who's trying to carve a place for themselves, and because of how other members of the group feel towards this person it's making my gradual fading-out that much swifter. I sometimes wonder whether I shouldn't just have left in March when I had the oppertunity and the reason, then I wouldn't be in this position. So in other words I spent the evening feeling like a spare wheel, unwell, hormonal and upset and very unloved. Most of the time I get the impression that people expect me to be fine and able to deal with stuff because I'm relativly mature and tend to be there when everyone else needs a hug and a chat. Is it too much to ask that when I'm looking upset and down that someone just gives me a hug and tells me that everything will be ok? Most of this has been reinforced by people making plans and forgetting to invite me (or plain just not bothering) or talking about plans they're making as a group to which I'm clearly not welcome. I just wish they could be a little more sensetive to the fact that I don't have that connection. I feel so alone here now. I feel like I don't belong to any group and am therefore very easily disregarded. The fact that someone who is relatively new to the group has just slide into place as a flatmate and a partner to other people means that they get invited to stuff that I won't because I don't have those links. I'm on the periphery and already getting further and further away.
This builds on the insecurities which are the basis of my depression, so it's triggering a lot of stuff in that direction. In high school someone who had been a friend deliberately tried to break me out of my circle of friends, for a reason which to this day I cannot define. She did everything except tell everyone else not to talk to me. This was during my sixth year, so I spent the greater part of that year feeling unwelcome in my own group because someone didn't want me there for reasons not shared by the rest, and when I left for uni that was the experiance which followed me. I'm almost continually paranoid that people I believe to be friends will turn around and hurt me for no reason. Much of what I have said so far is the hormones talking, but they're just allowing me to say what has been at the back of my mind for quite some time.
Monday, 29 September 2008
Slinking back to the blog at last...
Yup, I haven't written anything in quite some time. I have a lot I could say right not, but alas I cannot be bothered :P Ok, ok - I'll try and keep a more regular blog. As much as anything else it'll ensure that I keep writing and that it doesn't just fall by the way-side while I hunt for employment.
So, first off I have now completed the MSc and know for certain that I have passed :D I just don't know the mark and probably won't until Wednesday evening when I go home to visit the family for my birthday.
Secondly, I just got my rota from MHM and it confirms my belief that they might just be entirely incompetant. I asked for 2/3 shifts a week this month, with the exception of the first week where I could only work one. I had asked for the 2nd and 3rd of October to be reserved as days I couldn't work because the plan was to spend a few days with the family while I have a bit of free time. So what did they do? They gave me shifts on both those days. Not only that, but I got the rota so close to the 1st that there isn't really any practical way of changing the shifts. Gits. So I'll go home on Wednesday evening, and come back on Thursday morning. Apart from that, I have also discovered that I am now doing roughly 50% of the work for the Edinburgh team. Another thing is that they have only given me one of the better-paid weekend shifts, and the one that they did give me is out at the Dean Gallery to which there is no public transport on a Sunday. I say again, gits. And finally, Tim and I had planned to go away for a few days this month, but because of the way the rota has panned out this might not be possible. Once more with feeling, gits. In conclusion, there is a distinct possibility that I will quit at the end of this month. But on the plus side at least we don't have to do surveys at the museums any more...
Went and saw MacBeth on Friday with Charlotte: superb production, and certainly one of the best productions in terms of emotive interpritation. The woman playing Lady MacBeth was exceptional. I also met Charlotte's boyfriend that evening - a pleasant, if slightly overly-intense, young man who is lecturing in Economics at Herriot-Watt. The evening was something of a cultural body-blow in some respects. It made me realise just how often I apologise for things that I don't have to apologise for. It showed me that a lot of the time I apologise just for having an opinion, or for not having an opinion. Charlotte and Philip are both from mainland Europe, and although I like both of them very much I don't feel comfortable around them: this in and of itself is not a bad thing because challanging aquaintances provide interesting perspectives, but I did find myself suffering from something of a cultural inferiority-complex. Their sense of humour is very differant, and their priorities and attitudes. There are a lot of people who think that main-land Europeans, especially the French, are arrogant: I would not dispute this in some cases, and Philip himself openly admitted it, but I think that a lot of our adversion to arrogance is born of being told not to be arrogant. We have willfully surrendered our collective self-confidence in favour of being overly polite. So I found it really very difficult to converse with Philip (Charlotte not so much) because he was dismissive of quite a lot of what I had (when I dared venture) said, and quite merrily talked away as if his opinion could only be right. On the one hand, I found him rude and arrogant, but on the other hand I was trying to reconsile this to the fact that it wasn't terribly rude in his culture, just in mine. I also acknowledge that in many respects he had the advantage over me in terms of age and educational advancement and world-experiance, as does Charlotte. Ignoring the BS I've managed to create around the situation, and stripping it back to bare-bones, I spent the better part of an hour feeling like a complete ignoramus. But I bet Philip didn't guess that I understood everything he said when he talked to Charlotte in French...
I'll probably come back to this cause there's a few things I want to talk about in relation to culture and cinematic appreciation, but I think I've waffled enough for one post.
Other news - er, not a lot.
My flatmate and her boyfriend have decided they want to buy a house together: I'll admit that I was shocked in that although they've known each other for years, they haven't been going out for very long at all. They reckon it'll probably be about a year before they finally get a place.
Still job hunting, although I'm finding it hard to work up the motivation.
Tim and I have started going to swing dance classes, and it's good fun :)
So, first off I have now completed the MSc and know for certain that I have passed :D I just don't know the mark and probably won't until Wednesday evening when I go home to visit the family for my birthday.
Secondly, I just got my rota from MHM and it confirms my belief that they might just be entirely incompetant. I asked for 2/3 shifts a week this month, with the exception of the first week where I could only work one. I had asked for the 2nd and 3rd of October to be reserved as days I couldn't work because the plan was to spend a few days with the family while I have a bit of free time. So what did they do? They gave me shifts on both those days. Not only that, but I got the rota so close to the 1st that there isn't really any practical way of changing the shifts. Gits. So I'll go home on Wednesday evening, and come back on Thursday morning. Apart from that, I have also discovered that I am now doing roughly 50% of the work for the Edinburgh team. Another thing is that they have only given me one of the better-paid weekend shifts, and the one that they did give me is out at the Dean Gallery to which there is no public transport on a Sunday. I say again, gits. And finally, Tim and I had planned to go away for a few days this month, but because of the way the rota has panned out this might not be possible. Once more with feeling, gits. In conclusion, there is a distinct possibility that I will quit at the end of this month. But on the plus side at least we don't have to do surveys at the museums any more...
Went and saw MacBeth on Friday with Charlotte: superb production, and certainly one of the best productions in terms of emotive interpritation. The woman playing Lady MacBeth was exceptional. I also met Charlotte's boyfriend that evening - a pleasant, if slightly overly-intense, young man who is lecturing in Economics at Herriot-Watt. The evening was something of a cultural body-blow in some respects. It made me realise just how often I apologise for things that I don't have to apologise for. It showed me that a lot of the time I apologise just for having an opinion, or for not having an opinion. Charlotte and Philip are both from mainland Europe, and although I like both of them very much I don't feel comfortable around them: this in and of itself is not a bad thing because challanging aquaintances provide interesting perspectives, but I did find myself suffering from something of a cultural inferiority-complex. Their sense of humour is very differant, and their priorities and attitudes. There are a lot of people who think that main-land Europeans, especially the French, are arrogant: I would not dispute this in some cases, and Philip himself openly admitted it, but I think that a lot of our adversion to arrogance is born of being told not to be arrogant. We have willfully surrendered our collective self-confidence in favour of being overly polite. So I found it really very difficult to converse with Philip (Charlotte not so much) because he was dismissive of quite a lot of what I had (when I dared venture) said, and quite merrily talked away as if his opinion could only be right. On the one hand, I found him rude and arrogant, but on the other hand I was trying to reconsile this to the fact that it wasn't terribly rude in his culture, just in mine. I also acknowledge that in many respects he had the advantage over me in terms of age and educational advancement and world-experiance, as does Charlotte. Ignoring the BS I've managed to create around the situation, and stripping it back to bare-bones, I spent the better part of an hour feeling like a complete ignoramus. But I bet Philip didn't guess that I understood everything he said when he talked to Charlotte in French...
I'll probably come back to this cause there's a few things I want to talk about in relation to culture and cinematic appreciation, but I think I've waffled enough for one post.
Other news - er, not a lot.
My flatmate and her boyfriend have decided they want to buy a house together: I'll admit that I was shocked in that although they've known each other for years, they haven't been going out for very long at all. They reckon it'll probably be about a year before they finally get a place.
Still job hunting, although I'm finding it hard to work up the motivation.
Tim and I have started going to swing dance classes, and it's good fun :)
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
- Yet someone is clearly doing their job horribly wrong...
This:
http://xkcd.com/463/
is also true of this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/7583805.stm
Procrastination? Moi?
http://xkcd.com/463/
is also true of this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/7583805.stm
Procrastination? Moi?
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Catch-up
I haven't written anything for a while - tut tut. I usually write more when I have an impending deadline, but right now this doesn't seem to be the case - and it's not as if I don't have anything to write about either.
The fringe is into it's third week and Pinafore opened last night, to great appreciation apparently :) Have managed to catch up with quiet a few people: Harriet, Helen, Si and Jordan. I've been to see a few shows, notably Ed Byrne and Tim Minchin. Great fun with fantastic energy.
I'm currently in the midsts of hunting for a new flatmate - thought we might have had the right candidate but she changed her mind at the last moment, which was somewhat frustrating. Got a few people viewing tonight, so hopefully will be able to make a decision in the near future.
I have been pretty low with a bug for the past few days - feeling really weak and shivery. I've managed to keep going but I have a horrid feeling it'll be back again once this deadline is done and I start to chill out again.
I have such a long list of things I want to do once this dissertation is done! Not least of which is to find a job! There are a few which might be worth applying for, but nothing truely exciting.
The fringe is into it's third week and Pinafore opened last night, to great appreciation apparently :) Have managed to catch up with quiet a few people: Harriet, Helen, Si and Jordan. I've been to see a few shows, notably Ed Byrne and Tim Minchin. Great fun with fantastic energy.
I'm currently in the midsts of hunting for a new flatmate - thought we might have had the right candidate but she changed her mind at the last moment, which was somewhat frustrating. Got a few people viewing tonight, so hopefully will be able to make a decision in the near future.
I have been pretty low with a bug for the past few days - feeling really weak and shivery. I've managed to keep going but I have a horrid feeling it'll be back again once this deadline is done and I start to chill out again.
I have such a long list of things I want to do once this dissertation is done! Not least of which is to find a job! There are a few which might be worth applying for, but nothing truely exciting.
Friday, 8 August 2008
Stuff
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7547148.stm
Absolutely bloody teriffying...
---------------------------------
I'm at home now for all of 24 hours to visit the family - My Aunts and Uncles are visiting from South Africa and London, so am taking the opportunity (however brief) of catching up with them while they're here. Just back from a family meal (with the missing members being my brother and my London-Uncle-Peter: we have 4 Peters in my immediate family). Was crossed examined on my dissertation and employment prospects by my Grandfather - joy.
The train journey down was utterly packed - there was no way I was ever going to get a seat on the 5.30 train to London Kings Cross on a Friday! I ended up huddled in a corner of the vestibule until Dunbar, where on everyone else got a seat but I couldn't be bothered moving so just stood by the open window enjoying the fresh air and the wonderful seascape North of Berwick.
This is the first time I've been home since Holly died, and it's very strange without her. Even just noticing small things like the absence of her water bowl puts it into sharp relief. I'll visit her grave in the morning - it's too dark now.
Have been interviewing potential flatmates over the past couple of days - a couple of guys who didn't seem right, and a lovely girl who I reckon will fit in perfectly. Hopefully she's meet Sally tomorrow, and if sally likes her then I'm more than happy to offer her the room if she wants it.
Ug - my head is aching :(
Absolutely bloody teriffying...
---------------------------------
I'm at home now for all of 24 hours to visit the family - My Aunts and Uncles are visiting from South Africa and London, so am taking the opportunity (however brief) of catching up with them while they're here. Just back from a family meal (with the missing members being my brother and my London-Uncle-Peter: we have 4 Peters in my immediate family). Was crossed examined on my dissertation and employment prospects by my Grandfather - joy.
The train journey down was utterly packed - there was no way I was ever going to get a seat on the 5.30 train to London Kings Cross on a Friday! I ended up huddled in a corner of the vestibule until Dunbar, where on everyone else got a seat but I couldn't be bothered moving so just stood by the open window enjoying the fresh air and the wonderful seascape North of Berwick.
This is the first time I've been home since Holly died, and it's very strange without her. Even just noticing small things like the absence of her water bowl puts it into sharp relief. I'll visit her grave in the morning - it's too dark now.
Have been interviewing potential flatmates over the past couple of days - a couple of guys who didn't seem right, and a lovely girl who I reckon will fit in perfectly. Hopefully she's meet Sally tomorrow, and if sally likes her then I'm more than happy to offer her the room if she wants it.
Ug - my head is aching :(
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
About bloody time!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7540480.stm
I've probably ranted about Starbucks on here somewhere before, so obviously this article delighted me :)
Other stuff:
Have seen The Dark Knight: brilliant :D
The Fringe started: w00t the Fringe! (but not the crowds when you're trying to get somewhere!)
Finished the first fraft of the dissertation with 3.5 weeks to spare: unheard of!
A friend I haven't spoken to for ages got in contact again, which was pretty cool :)
Later:
I have a problem involving making a choice between two options; both have their ups and downs, their strengths and weaknesses. I honestly don't know if I can make a choice between them, or even if I have the choice - no, that's stupid, I have other choices, and even the choice of not activly making a choice. I also have the choice of not angsting out and not sweating it - after all, who knows if it'll even come to making a choice.
I've probably ranted about Starbucks on here somewhere before, so obviously this article delighted me :)
Other stuff:
Have seen The Dark Knight: brilliant :D
The Fringe started: w00t the Fringe! (but not the crowds when you're trying to get somewhere!)
Finished the first fraft of the dissertation with 3.5 weeks to spare: unheard of!
A friend I haven't spoken to for ages got in contact again, which was pretty cool :)
Later:
I have a problem involving making a choice between two options; both have their ups and downs, their strengths and weaknesses. I honestly don't know if I can make a choice between them, or even if I have the choice - no, that's stupid, I have other choices, and even the choice of not activly making a choice. I also have the choice of not angsting out and not sweating it - after all, who knows if it'll even come to making a choice.
Friday, 1 August 2008
Polo and prudishness
I'm not a fan, but the girl has a point...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7536492.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7536492.stm
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Yet another odd dream...
I can't remember so much about this one, but I do remember sitting on Forest Road with someone else. For some reason we were singing, but kinda singing a conversation rather than just speaking it - nothing about this seemed in any way strange (as always seems to be the case in dreams). We were sitting on the edge of the pavement watching people racing cars with too many people in them at high speed around the corner, some of them leaning out of the windows, laughing crazily. The person I was sitting with (I don't remember what he looked like, but he reminded me in some ways of a person I know through Savoy) sang something, and I remember being very happy about what was said but not knowing what it was. All I did know was this person was extraordinary , and what ever it was they said was precisely what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately at this point I knew, inspite of being fast asleep, that this was a dream, so I couldn't/didn't want to say anything in return. I think I may have made an excuse or put off giving a reply imediately. Someone handed me a leaf (it looked like the kind you'd have drawn as a child - oval with a central line and diagonal concentions etc), but for some reason I wanted to see the skeleton, so I burned it with a lighter and left the skeleton. And that was it. Odd, but I do remember being very very happy.
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Procrastination
Here I am in the library again. I've only been here for an hour and already I'm going utterly spare! I come here in the mornings with all the good intentions of working, but end up getting distracted by just about anything! Arg! The only time I actually work efficiently is when I get up at 5am and just start to work rather than faff, but I can't do that often because it's exhasting and I crash by 3pm, and even then I can only do it when really under pressure to finish something. Even with only 4.5 weeks to complete my dissertation I'm sitting here putting off working and just building up stress for later on. I know I have plenty of time to finish and edit this bastard, but I just can't bring myself to do the necessary work before the very last minute. It's not that I'm terribly lazy, but there seems no point in working too hard until there's no choice, and I tend to find that I work best under high pressure. Lots of my last-minute essays have recieved much better marks than those I spent a lot of time working on *shrugs*, It doesn't seem fair, somehow, that my last-minute work ends up getting better marks than projects that I've put a lot of time and effort into! Perhaps it's because it flows better as a continuious stream of thought rather than as a series of segments.
Ok, will try and do some work now. No doubt I'll post again in the next few hours...
Later:
As predicted, here I am again.
Found this on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Y
So, this is the generation to which I belong; and sadly, yes, I really do belong to a generation which defines itself by ownership of technological goods and use thereof. Right now I am using three of the defining goods of this generation: laptop, MP3 player and mobile phone (clearly not all at once - I can multitask, but I only have two hands!), and writing it on my blog - Gee, could I be anymore steriotypical?! Plus I really can't see myself working for one firm/organisation for my whole life, so will probably move around quite a lot because there's no real pressure to stay in one place and it's almost looked down upon now to want to stay with one group for the rest of your life. We are given these expectations of new experiances, and once the novelty of a new job and responsabilities wear off and everything starts to become rountine, it can be very tempting to want to move on. Looking at my employment history I have had, since I was 15, 10 differant jobs! Admittedly, this isn't because I got bored or anything, it's down mostly to moving around and Uni and some of the jobs being temporary contracts. But still, 10 jobs by the age of 22 is kinda strange!
Ok, will try and do some work now. No doubt I'll post again in the next few hours...
Later:
As predicted, here I am again.
Found this on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Y
So, this is the generation to which I belong; and sadly, yes, I really do belong to a generation which defines itself by ownership of technological goods and use thereof. Right now I am using three of the defining goods of this generation: laptop, MP3 player and mobile phone (clearly not all at once - I can multitask, but I only have two hands!), and writing it on my blog - Gee, could I be anymore steriotypical?! Plus I really can't see myself working for one firm/organisation for my whole life, so will probably move around quite a lot because there's no real pressure to stay in one place and it's almost looked down upon now to want to stay with one group for the rest of your life. We are given these expectations of new experiances, and once the novelty of a new job and responsabilities wear off and everything starts to become rountine, it can be very tempting to want to move on. Looking at my employment history I have had, since I was 15, 10 differant jobs! Admittedly, this isn't because I got bored or anything, it's down mostly to moving around and Uni and some of the jobs being temporary contracts. But still, 10 jobs by the age of 22 is kinda strange!
Saturday, 26 July 2008
*Insert appropriate title here
Yesterday evening was a bit of a head-fuck for various reasons - in retrospect it was quite funny and a bit sad. If nothing else it explained A LOT. I think I'll have to laugh about it otherwise I'll just end up completely depressed again. At the same time I'm quite glad that the situation occured, if only because it reassured me that I wasn't at fault and that someone needs to sort their head out.
Friday, 25 July 2008
Dreams
Last night I had a particularly vivid dream, and for once I can remember exactly what happened.
The dream, more or less, ran thus: I was working with the army (not as a member but in some sort of assosiated capacity) and I knew the unit I was with quite well. We had been sent to an area which had just been subject to sever flooding, and although the water level had now dropped, it was apparent just how much damage had been done. One of the first jobs we were to do in the community where we were based was to clear all the flood debries out of the local church to make it usable again. One of the images I remember most clearly from the dream was standing on top of something outside the church, looking through a low window in to the church. In the church there were masses of rubbish and rubble, even a couple of old cars! For some reason it was vital that we cleared the church first because, according to the logic of my dream, one of the members of the unit was planning on getting married there in the near future, and the present from the unit to him and his bride was having the church back to it original state.
Most of the images I can atribute to things I had seen in the past couple of days, but the meaning was a bit more difficult. I decided to try a bit of dream analysis, for fun, and see what came up. I took a few of the key images from the dream and looked them up.
1) Looking into a church from the outside can represent spiritual strife and questioning.
2) Rubbish represents the need to change bad habits and avoid scandle
3) The wrecked cars could represent feelings of being out of control of life
4) Floods represent tension and stress
5) Armies represent a massive force working against you
So, going by the analysis, not a possative dream then.
Although I don't put faith in dream analysis this still reflects a number of things in my life that worry me; my crisis of faith, wondering whether I'm a bad person, feeling out of control of my life. Although the thing that made me wonder was the fact that in the dream I was working with the army but not as part of it, so maybe that has a differant meaning. Who knows!
The dream, more or less, ran thus: I was working with the army (not as a member but in some sort of assosiated capacity) and I knew the unit I was with quite well. We had been sent to an area which had just been subject to sever flooding, and although the water level had now dropped, it was apparent just how much damage had been done. One of the first jobs we were to do in the community where we were based was to clear all the flood debries out of the local church to make it usable again. One of the images I remember most clearly from the dream was standing on top of something outside the church, looking through a low window in to the church. In the church there were masses of rubbish and rubble, even a couple of old cars! For some reason it was vital that we cleared the church first because, according to the logic of my dream, one of the members of the unit was planning on getting married there in the near future, and the present from the unit to him and his bride was having the church back to it original state.
Most of the images I can atribute to things I had seen in the past couple of days, but the meaning was a bit more difficult. I decided to try a bit of dream analysis, for fun, and see what came up. I took a few of the key images from the dream and looked them up.
1) Looking into a church from the outside can represent spiritual strife and questioning.
2) Rubbish represents the need to change bad habits and avoid scandle
3) The wrecked cars could represent feelings of being out of control of life
4) Floods represent tension and stress
5) Armies represent a massive force working against you
So, going by the analysis, not a possative dream then.
Although I don't put faith in dream analysis this still reflects a number of things in my life that worry me; my crisis of faith, wondering whether I'm a bad person, feeling out of control of my life. Although the thing that made me wonder was the fact that in the dream I was working with the army but not as part of it, so maybe that has a differant meaning. Who knows!
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Feedback and stuff
Got a call back from Ian Campbell at the Scottish Government Offices in Brussels about feedback on my application. The guist of the conversation is: my application was very strong and I have relevant experiance, but my French was the deciding factor - I wasn't fluant and that's what the role required. The French requirement was what I expected to be the cause, so am quite happy that the rest of the application was good enough. I am in the process of improving my French, but obviously with my dissertation deadline drawing closer I don't have a lot of time to work on that. Ian gave me a few pointers for people to speak to if I want to go ahead with the EU thing in the future.
Off home tonight for my Mum's birthday tomorrow, so a couple of days of quiet'll do me good I suspect! Need a break from the city as am feeling somewhat hemmed in right now.
A conversation that has needed to be had for a while has now happened, and is certainly for the best. It will make life less confusing :) which is always good! But I think a seperate conversation with a differant person is still needed, but it's never going to happen because in theory "everything is fine" and there is nothing to talk about - I'm not convinced.
Finally returned Chris' flat key this afternoon.
Need to pack and return a library book now, but honestly cannot be bothered...
Later:
I'm at home now and it's muggy as anything down here - I can't sleep but should try as I'll have a busy day tomorrow.
Got a further call from Ian earlier - a job came up today that he thinks I should apply for: again, it's in Brussels, and it's a policy assistant job. I'll give it a go and see what happens.
Should go and wrap birthday presents now.
Off home tonight for my Mum's birthday tomorrow, so a couple of days of quiet'll do me good I suspect! Need a break from the city as am feeling somewhat hemmed in right now.
A conversation that has needed to be had for a while has now happened, and is certainly for the best. It will make life less confusing :) which is always good! But I think a seperate conversation with a differant person is still needed, but it's never going to happen because in theory "everything is fine" and there is nothing to talk about - I'm not convinced.
Finally returned Chris' flat key this afternoon.
Need to pack and return a library book now, but honestly cannot be bothered...
Later:
I'm at home now and it's muggy as anything down here - I can't sleep but should try as I'll have a busy day tomorrow.
Got a further call from Ian earlier - a job came up today that he thinks I should apply for: again, it's in Brussels, and it's a policy assistant job. I'll give it a go and see what happens.
Should go and wrap birthday presents now.
Friday, 18 July 2008
Sleepy...
1. Got an email back from the Scottish Government EU office about my request for feedback on my application - someone'll be calling me next Tuesday :) So somthing posative came out of an otherwise disappointing failure to secure a job. It'll be useful for the future anyway.
2. We won the pub quiz yesterday - woot!
3. Discovered Dr Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and The Guild: wasted a lot of time this mornign watching those rather than working - oops!
4. Applied for a broadcast assistant job with the BBC - don't expect to be called for an interview, but it pays to keep applying for things here and there.
5. My horoscope today on FB made me very very nervous (not that I believe that sot of crap, but still...)
6. This made me smile: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7513571.stm
(see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxWNl2Kd-dU)
7. This made me want to hit people: http://community.livejournal.com/muslims/583460.html
8. This is far too true for comfort: http://xkcd.com/451/
9. This made me go "awwwww":
more cat pictures
Oh, and I finally remembered what I had intended to write about today in the first place! Go me and my shoddy memory (warenty has probably expired by now...damn...). Yet again, it's in reference to my faith-related-crisis of the past few weeks. I was Wikipediaing stuff on the Abrahamic tradition and got to following a chain of articles on faith, philosophy etc. I came to the conclusion that my current stance is more or less sumarised by the following two life-views:
1. Agnostic Theism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnostic_theism)
and, 2. Ietism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ietsism)
Really, I guess the best way I can describe it is Agnostic Abrahamic Theism - but the problem I find is that it falls in to a semi-Gnostic catagory, and gnosticism isn't something I particularly hold with at the moment.
2. We won the pub quiz yesterday - woot!
3. Discovered Dr Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and The Guild: wasted a lot of time this mornign watching those rather than working - oops!
4. Applied for a broadcast assistant job with the BBC - don't expect to be called for an interview, but it pays to keep applying for things here and there.
5. My horoscope today on FB made me very very nervous (not that I believe that sot of crap, but still...)
6. This made me smile: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7513571.stm
(see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxWNl2Kd-dU)
7. This made me want to hit people: http://community.livejournal.com/muslims/583460.html
8. This is far too true for comfort: http://xkcd.com/451/
9. This made me go "awwwww":
more cat pictures
Oh, and I finally remembered what I had intended to write about today in the first place! Go me and my shoddy memory (warenty has probably expired by now...damn...). Yet again, it's in reference to my faith-related-crisis of the past few weeks. I was Wikipediaing stuff on the Abrahamic tradition and got to following a chain of articles on faith, philosophy etc. I came to the conclusion that my current stance is more or less sumarised by the following two life-views:
1. Agnostic Theism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnostic_theism)
and, 2. Ietism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ietsism)
Really, I guess the best way I can describe it is Agnostic Abrahamic Theism - but the problem I find is that it falls in to a semi-Gnostic catagory, and gnosticism isn't something I particularly hold with at the moment.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Post 100!
Welcome to my 100th post :)
Nothing terribly exciting to say really. D'oh!
Oh, did go and see The Forbidden Kingdom last night - it was a lot of fun :) And saw Kung Fu Panda a few nights previously - laughed my ass off!
Got a call from the Telegraph asking for photos from HMS Pinafore for an article they're doing, so that's more or less sorted now. Free Publicity! Woot!
This article on the BBC website makes me worry about people:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7503861.stm
In what way would someone's sexuality impare their ability to drive?! Helloooo discrimination!
This one is more specifically for Si (assuming he still reads this) regrading the conversation we had the other day:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7487995.stm
This just ammused me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/7504433.stm
This doesn't suprise me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7502678.stm
And finally, in reference to my little crisis of faith that has been going on lately:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7503968.stm
I could go back to my first post and do some sort of retrospective, but I think that would be really wanky and unnecessary given that anything that needs retrospection will (for the most part) be in this blog.
P.s. I identify far too much with this:
http://xkcd.com/449
Can't quite believe it has been 7 months already...
Nothing terribly exciting to say really. D'oh!
Oh, did go and see The Forbidden Kingdom last night - it was a lot of fun :) And saw Kung Fu Panda a few nights previously - laughed my ass off!
Got a call from the Telegraph asking for photos from HMS Pinafore for an article they're doing, so that's more or less sorted now. Free Publicity! Woot!
This article on the BBC website makes me worry about people:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7503861.stm
In what way would someone's sexuality impare their ability to drive?! Helloooo discrimination!
This one is more specifically for Si (assuming he still reads this) regrading the conversation we had the other day:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7487995.stm
This just ammused me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/7504433.stm
This doesn't suprise me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7502678.stm
And finally, in reference to my little crisis of faith that has been going on lately:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7503968.stm
I could go back to my first post and do some sort of retrospective, but I think that would be really wanky and unnecessary given that anything that needs retrospection will (for the most part) be in this blog.
P.s. I identify far too much with this:
http://xkcd.com/449
Can't quite believe it has been 7 months already...
Friday, 11 July 2008
Environmental developments
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7501476.stm
This sounds fantastic if it is ever fully implimented! But not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, is it ever going to get as much funding as it potentially deserves...? We'll see, I guess.
This sounds fantastic if it is ever fully implimented! But not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, is it ever going to get as much funding as it potentially deserves...? We'll see, I guess.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Faith revisited and other stuff
I was listening to the news this morning, and one of the big stories of the day is the decision by the Church of England to allow the appointment of female Bishops. I think that this is a big step forward; a really significant event for all involved. What I don't understand is why women in the Church was ever an issue of contention? We could get into the whole 'women are the source of original sin' thing, but quite frankly I think that is utter BS. The Garden of Eden story shouldn't be taken literally, in my view, as historical fact; it isn't fact. Evolution is a fact (or as close to one as we can reasonably get at the moment). I don't see that the creation story and Evolutionary theory are at odds - we just have to acknowledge that the Garden of Eden story is a annalogy for the development of consiousness. Which makes the whole idea about Eve tempting Adam with the apple of knowledge utterly irrelevant. The exclusion of women from positions in the church on that basis is, thus, unjust and backward for a body which claims to desire equality for all. If the traditionalists were to have won the vote today, then it would have been a backward step for the church of England and a sign of the continued institutional sexism which has been rife in the Church for the past 500 years. The claim that women are fundamentally tainted has been used to justify the oppression of women, and exclude them from full and fair participation in a faith which teaches tollerance and forgiveness. Surely it's about time 'Eve' was forgiven and her daughters were no longer burdened with an unfair reputation as 'tainted'?
This kinda feeds into my thoughts in the last post: can I really follow a system of belief in which sexism and inequality are central tenants of the faith? I have been to a couple of Christian wedding ceremonies in the past year, and in each I was annoyed by the emphasis on the dominance of the man in the wedded state and how the woman was expected to 'submit' to the man 'as the Church to Christ'. As a feminist and a female Christian I find this hard to bear (perhaps this is why I'm not a very good Christian). In any relationship there should never be any forced dominance or submittion involved (I'm not talking in the sexual way - what people get up to in that respect is entirely up to them); a wedded relationship should be about negotiation and discussion. No decision should ever be made simply because one party has been 'picked by God' to be dominant. Besides, I doubt that God (who/whatever that is) would honestly create humans unequal; any traditions in Christianity are almost certainly the result of millenia of Church dogma and unjust male domination. Woman's submittion to her husband in the wedded state in Christianity is almost certainly the result of institutionalised patriarchal dogma. Using the 'fear of God' to restrict women of faith from full and equal participation, and full emansipation as a sex.
I'm almost certain that most of the Traditionalists at today's vote don't think of it in those terms: I guess they reason that it's "God's will" and that women were designed as man's 'help-meet' but not to be religious leaders. My response; you're stuck in the past, and many of the best and most faithful Christians are women. It's about time this was acknowldeged.
That was more of a feminist rant than I was intending, but can you see where this leaves me? Again: in the same situation as before: can I follow a faith that requires inequality? I think that I have to believe that this inequality was not God's will, but is the result of centuries of church politics.
This kinda feeds into my thoughts in the last post: can I really follow a system of belief in which sexism and inequality are central tenants of the faith? I have been to a couple of Christian wedding ceremonies in the past year, and in each I was annoyed by the emphasis on the dominance of the man in the wedded state and how the woman was expected to 'submit' to the man 'as the Church to Christ'. As a feminist and a female Christian I find this hard to bear (perhaps this is why I'm not a very good Christian). In any relationship there should never be any forced dominance or submittion involved (I'm not talking in the sexual way - what people get up to in that respect is entirely up to them); a wedded relationship should be about negotiation and discussion. No decision should ever be made simply because one party has been 'picked by God' to be dominant. Besides, I doubt that God (who/whatever that is) would honestly create humans unequal; any traditions in Christianity are almost certainly the result of millenia of Church dogma and unjust male domination. Woman's submittion to her husband in the wedded state in Christianity is almost certainly the result of institutionalised patriarchal dogma. Using the 'fear of God' to restrict women of faith from full and equal participation, and full emansipation as a sex.
I'm almost certain that most of the Traditionalists at today's vote don't think of it in those terms: I guess they reason that it's "God's will" and that women were designed as man's 'help-meet' but not to be religious leaders. My response; you're stuck in the past, and many of the best and most faithful Christians are women. It's about time this was acknowldeged.
That was more of a feminist rant than I was intending, but can you see where this leaves me? Again: in the same situation as before: can I follow a faith that requires inequality? I think that I have to believe that this inequality was not God's will, but is the result of centuries of church politics.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Faith
This may get a bit rambly in places, just so you know (having said that, if you've read any of my posts before then you will already have anticipated this).
I had a conversation with Tim a few weeks ago about faith. I am a Christian; not a very good one, I'll admit - I probably commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on a daily basis. I am what would be termed a Liberal Christian; my basic rule for life is "Do as you would be done by" - and I don't always manage to follow that rule particularly well! Tim on the other hand is an Aetheist, verging on Antitheist.
I'm not entirely sure how we got onto the topic of belief/faith, but we did. The discussion more or less ended up with me acknowledging the logic of the Aetheist argument (and I do follow it and will admit that it makes perfect sense) but still certain that there is something more to this life than a random fluck of cosmic parking! Just the thought of there not being a God, just thinking it, really upset me - I was in tears.
It wasn't Tim's fault by any means; we were simply having a debate from our two respective viewpoints. I'm not prone to crying - I don't like people seeing me when I'm upset, so I tend to just make a joke or hide it. But this time I honestly couldn't help it; I cried. The idea that there is nothing beyond this is fundamentally terrifying. At the time the only two routes I could logically see were; 1) accept that This Is It, or 2) be a better Christian (and I am talking fundamental here).
The problem with 1) is that were I to accept this then I could go one of two ways: a) become a complete nihlist and stop caring about anything or anyone because nothing matters at all, or
b) acknowledge that my time here is fleeting and that the only thing I can do is make my time as good as possible and do as much good as possible.
The problem with 2) is that I don't agree with everything in the Bible - I think that there is a lot wrong with it as a guide for life. A lot of it I do agree with, but so much of it is really just 'common sense' stuff for the creation of a harmonious society. And I posatively hate all these people who stand behind a mask of faith and use the teachings of the bible to their own ends - I couldn't stand to be counted as one of that number, even if I wasn't but was assosiated with those people by others.
So where does this leave me? Well, much in the same position as where I started I guess: Christian/Agnostic. Agnostisism is a bit of a cop-out in my mind, but unfortunately it is the position I find myself in: I don't know what's going on but I have a little too much cynacism for blind faith.
Ultimately, I think I can believe precisely what I want to believe as long as it doesn't affect the rights and freedoms of anyone else, and if I choose to believe in God but it turns out that God doesn't exist then who am I hurting? As long as I do what I believe to be right, and follow my conscience, then I don't think I can go too far wrong. A huge number of people have said what I have just said, and far more eloquently (no doubt with better spelling, grammer, structure and punctuation).
No fear: I'm not about to launch into a massive "What does it all mean? Why are we here?" schpiel: I think I have been quite emo enough for one evening!
I had a conversation with Tim a few weeks ago about faith. I am a Christian; not a very good one, I'll admit - I probably commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on a daily basis. I am what would be termed a Liberal Christian; my basic rule for life is "Do as you would be done by" - and I don't always manage to follow that rule particularly well! Tim on the other hand is an Aetheist, verging on Antitheist.
I'm not entirely sure how we got onto the topic of belief/faith, but we did. The discussion more or less ended up with me acknowledging the logic of the Aetheist argument (and I do follow it and will admit that it makes perfect sense) but still certain that there is something more to this life than a random fluck of cosmic parking! Just the thought of there not being a God, just thinking it, really upset me - I was in tears.
It wasn't Tim's fault by any means; we were simply having a debate from our two respective viewpoints. I'm not prone to crying - I don't like people seeing me when I'm upset, so I tend to just make a joke or hide it. But this time I honestly couldn't help it; I cried. The idea that there is nothing beyond this is fundamentally terrifying. At the time the only two routes I could logically see were; 1) accept that This Is It, or 2) be a better Christian (and I am talking fundamental here).
The problem with 1) is that were I to accept this then I could go one of two ways: a) become a complete nihlist and stop caring about anything or anyone because nothing matters at all, or
b) acknowledge that my time here is fleeting and that the only thing I can do is make my time as good as possible and do as much good as possible.
The problem with 2) is that I don't agree with everything in the Bible - I think that there is a lot wrong with it as a guide for life. A lot of it I do agree with, but so much of it is really just 'common sense' stuff for the creation of a harmonious society. And I posatively hate all these people who stand behind a mask of faith and use the teachings of the bible to their own ends - I couldn't stand to be counted as one of that number, even if I wasn't but was assosiated with those people by others.
So where does this leave me? Well, much in the same position as where I started I guess: Christian/Agnostic. Agnostisism is a bit of a cop-out in my mind, but unfortunately it is the position I find myself in: I don't know what's going on but I have a little too much cynacism for blind faith.
Ultimately, I think I can believe precisely what I want to believe as long as it doesn't affect the rights and freedoms of anyone else, and if I choose to believe in God but it turns out that God doesn't exist then who am I hurting? As long as I do what I believe to be right, and follow my conscience, then I don't think I can go too far wrong. A huge number of people have said what I have just said, and far more eloquently (no doubt with better spelling, grammer, structure and punctuation).
No fear: I'm not about to launch into a massive "What does it all mean? Why are we here?" schpiel: I think I have been quite emo enough for one evening!
Friday, 27 June 2008
Stuff
I'm back home for the weekend. Dog-sitting for the parents while they are away at a wedding up North. Holly, our black Labrador, is senile, deaf, incontenant and virtually immobile; she spends 90% of her day sleeping and the rest of it eating and dumping, or following me around and staring into space. Unfortunately she also has a tendancy to fall down the stairs these days, which is worrying. Anyway, so I'm back down here until Monday, all on my lonesom. On the plus side I have peace and quiet to get on with work, which is always a good thing.
I'm missing the Graduate Ball again this year. Didn't go last year because I didn't see the point; I didn't know all that many people in my year who were going so I didn't see the point. And this year I'm not going because I don't graduate until December, which sucks a bit really. I guess it has become something of an unofficial tradition: I didn't go to the Freshers Ball, my first graduateion, so it makes sense that I shouldn't attend my second graduate ball. But I am quite sad to be missing the fun.
I heard back from the Scottish Government EU job - I didn't get called for an interview, which sucked, but I wasn't suprised really. Although I put as much into the application as possible, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be their first choice of candidate. It was a long-shot to begin with, but I was still disappointed. Lesson being: don't get your hopes up over a long-shot, because chances are that no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you know you would put into it, it does matter cause you're not in control. I hate not being in control and being aimless. Says a lot about me and my life really!
Have been writing a bit again recently, which is good: I have been trying out a few new genres - trying to mix genres more than I have before. I have realised just how much I limit myself in terms of style when there are so many options open to me! Still fairly enamoured of short-story writing. I have a feeling that this is more to with my lack of patience, which is something I need to work on - is it wrong just to want to get into the heart of the story without too much characterisation and scene-setting?
I'm missing the Graduate Ball again this year. Didn't go last year because I didn't see the point; I didn't know all that many people in my year who were going so I didn't see the point. And this year I'm not going because I don't graduate until December, which sucks a bit really. I guess it has become something of an unofficial tradition: I didn't go to the Freshers Ball, my first graduateion, so it makes sense that I shouldn't attend my second graduate ball. But I am quite sad to be missing the fun.
I heard back from the Scottish Government EU job - I didn't get called for an interview, which sucked, but I wasn't suprised really. Although I put as much into the application as possible, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be their first choice of candidate. It was a long-shot to begin with, but I was still disappointed. Lesson being: don't get your hopes up over a long-shot, because chances are that no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you know you would put into it, it does matter cause you're not in control. I hate not being in control and being aimless. Says a lot about me and my life really!
Have been writing a bit again recently, which is good: I have been trying out a few new genres - trying to mix genres more than I have before. I have realised just how much I limit myself in terms of style when there are so many options open to me! Still fairly enamoured of short-story writing. I have a feeling that this is more to with my lack of patience, which is something I need to work on - is it wrong just to want to get into the heart of the story without too much characterisation and scene-setting?
Monday, 23 June 2008
Grr.
I am tired of these stupid passive-aggressive little jibes that are being made at my expense. Sick of it. Seriously. I don't mind a joke, or a joke being made at my expense occassionally, but people poking fun at a weakness is a step too far. I know that it's not exactly important, or even a real weakness, but it still makes me feel stupid when people pick up on it. And I feel pretty stupid most of the time anyway, which doesn't help.
I'm feeling insecure at the moment and could do with not being made to feel like an idiot by some of my friends. Yeah, for the most part I've always been very good at hiding how I feel and ignoring it when people are insensative; but now I have had it up to here. Next tosser who pisses me off is getting a slap.
Ok, perhaps being a bit oversensative, but I have as much right as anyone to be annoyed.
I'm feeling insecure at the moment and could do with not being made to feel like an idiot by some of my friends. Yeah, for the most part I've always been very good at hiding how I feel and ignoring it when people are insensative; but now I have had it up to here. Next tosser who pisses me off is getting a slap.
Ok, perhaps being a bit oversensative, but I have as much right as anyone to be annoyed.
Monday, 16 June 2008
Update-type-post
Not a huge amount to say, but the stuff I do have to say is reasonably important I guess.
Firstly, I sent off the application for the Scottish Government EU Office Internship yesterday. I'm really quite excited about this role; I'd be working in Scotland House in Brussels for 11 months (paid, fortunately) and it would be excellant training for an Government job in the future. I really hope that I at least get through to the interview stage - I would be pretty dissapointed if I didn't, considering the amount of work that I put into the application! The deadline was today, so I hope to hear back in 2 weeks - 1 month. May have to re-learn French for the job - oh la la!
Secondly, probably not all that important, I've ordered a new laptop which will (hopefully) arrive tomorrow. I look forward to having a comp which will take less than 20 minutes to boot up in the morning, and hopefully won't die any time I download articles from Jstore. And most of all, it won't die while I'm writing this damn dissertation.
Thirdly, I've decided to work from home for the next 11 weeks (i.e. until the dissertation deadline). Hopefully it will be less distracting than the office. I cleared my desk space on Sunday and lugged everything home (ouch!); I'm quite sad to have left, obviously, because it feels like the begining of the end of my academic career (at least for now, anyway) and the start of a real life. Oh well, it's for the best I reckon.
Other:
Spoke to Eva the other day about her wedding: she sounds really happy and I look forward to catching up with her soon.
Went to see The Incrediable Hulk the other day - weak at best. Not dreadful and cringeworthy as it did have it's moments, but still below par.
The Fringe Guide is out at last - woop woop!
The girls are away atm - quite lonely :(
My window sill has now been taken over by plants! :D Tomatoes, chillies and basil.
Lastly, a problem:
I'm in a bit of a quandry. There's something I really want to know, but I don't know whether it would actually be to my benefit or detriment to know. What I do know is that I definately cannot ask the question to the person concerned because it's none of my business. Sucks. And, quite honestly, knowing may well involve wishing that I didn't. So, do I just wait for them to say something (which they might never do), or do I ask a question to which I have no right to know the answer? Bah.
Firstly, I sent off the application for the Scottish Government EU Office Internship yesterday. I'm really quite excited about this role; I'd be working in Scotland House in Brussels for 11 months (paid, fortunately) and it would be excellant training for an Government job in the future. I really hope that I at least get through to the interview stage - I would be pretty dissapointed if I didn't, considering the amount of work that I put into the application! The deadline was today, so I hope to hear back in 2 weeks - 1 month. May have to re-learn French for the job - oh la la!
Secondly, probably not all that important, I've ordered a new laptop which will (hopefully) arrive tomorrow. I look forward to having a comp which will take less than 20 minutes to boot up in the morning, and hopefully won't die any time I download articles from Jstore. And most of all, it won't die while I'm writing this damn dissertation.
Thirdly, I've decided to work from home for the next 11 weeks (i.e. until the dissertation deadline). Hopefully it will be less distracting than the office. I cleared my desk space on Sunday and lugged everything home (ouch!); I'm quite sad to have left, obviously, because it feels like the begining of the end of my academic career (at least for now, anyway) and the start of a real life. Oh well, it's for the best I reckon.
Other:
Spoke to Eva the other day about her wedding: she sounds really happy and I look forward to catching up with her soon.
Went to see The Incrediable Hulk the other day - weak at best. Not dreadful and cringeworthy as it did have it's moments, but still below par.
The Fringe Guide is out at last - woop woop!
The girls are away atm - quite lonely :(
My window sill has now been taken over by plants! :D Tomatoes, chillies and basil.
Lastly, a problem:
I'm in a bit of a quandry. There's something I really want to know, but I don't know whether it would actually be to my benefit or detriment to know. What I do know is that I definately cannot ask the question to the person concerned because it's none of my business. Sucks. And, quite honestly, knowing may well involve wishing that I didn't. So, do I just wait for them to say something (which they might never do), or do I ask a question to which I have no right to know the answer? Bah.
Saturday, 7 June 2008
Nostalga and reflections
Probably going to do exactly what it says in the title.
This bout of reflectivness is brought about by various events of the past couple of days. The first of these events was being informed that one of my best friends from school was now married. I knew she was engaged, and I was at her engagment party in Jabuary, but I thought she wasn't planning on getting hitched until October - seems I was wrong. Well, I was only partially wrong: She and her now-husband only decided three weeks ago that they were going to go ahead and get married asap (I should perhaps explain that they were in America at this point and he is an American citizen), so three weeks later they were. They only informed their parents and sorta-kinda eloped. I'm glad that they are so posative that this is what they wanted to do, and I suspect that it had been on their minds for a while - it just came as a suprise when checking Facebook to find that Eva had updated her status to "Eva is married - officially!!!". It's really very telling of our generation - lol!
Maybe I'm so freaked out because I don't really think of myself as an adult or as being in anyway mature enough to make that sort of decision. Eva and I are both only 22. Is it just me, or does everyone still feel like a kid at this age? I mean, it's only 5 years since I left highschool! Looking through my books the other day I came across a copy of Persuasion that I was given by my AH English teacher in sixth year - the inscription on the fly-leaf is dated 07/05/03. Over 5 years ago. And yet, sitting here at home, it could have been yesterday. It think that it is perhaps the time of year: I love this time of year at home; twilight is lingering, mist settles in bringing a damp chill to the air, everything become muted, blackbirds and robins call out from all around, lending a last vibrancy to an otherwise melecholy landscape. I went around the National Gallery of Scotland today and saw several pictures of the Borders: they were all picturesque in the style of the Romantics, but terribly unrepresentative. Nothing in the style or mood of the images made me think in anyway of my home. Admittedly my taste in landscape turns more towards appreciation of the sublime or the melencholy-picturesque rather than the idylic. Anyway, back to the point: I always feel younger at home - perhaps everyone does - and sitting here, right now, I don't think that at this age that I am in any way capable of making that decision. Hell, there are days where I can barely decide what CD to put on while I working, let alone knowing whether I'm capable of being with someone for the rest of my life!
Which leads me neatly into my next point: how does anyone know whether the person they're with (etc etc) is a person they would be capable of spending their life with? Ok, clearly there will be attraction for whatever reason and you get to know the person in question over a period of time, but frankly, even when you think you know the person completely: how do you know that they are 'the one'? (Aside: I don't think that there is any such thing as 'the one' - it sounds like romantic BS with no basis). There are no thunder-claps or choirs of angels to highlight the fact, so we have to go with intuition. This is the point at which I get very nervous: humans are faliable - none of us make perfect decisions which will please everyone all the time, it's impossible - so is it a case of making the best of a situation or a least-worst-choice? I hate the mere thought of there being 'one perfect person for everyone' - it's a load of bollocks - but if you are going to spend you're life with someone then you want it to be that 'perfect person' otherwise, what's the point? So when a couple make the decision to marry are they hoping that this is the right person for them or are they compromising and making the most of it? Sorry, I'm not terribly romantic - I'd like to think that romance still has some place in my world, but quite frankly I'm not sure it does. My conclusion is that it must be a case of meet someone you like and can stand to be around for long periods of time (who also likes you preferably) and make the best of it and honour those comitments should someone "better" make an apperance in your life (ye gods - how wanky did that sound?!).
Sorry, this has become a very convoluted and irrelevant post which bears little resembalance to the original title. Please bear with my rambling train of thoughts until it reaches it's terminus or become completely derailed.
Ok, the second reflection-inducing event of the past couple of days: yet another graduation approaches. This year it's Maya's turn and she's moving back home to Wales tomorrow. We've been best friends for nearly 5 years now - which is a scarey thought in it's own right - throughout the highs, lows, tears and hysterics, we've always been very close. And now (in terms of physical distance) that's about to change. Edinburgh's going to be a very differant place for however long I remain there. In many respects, it was the same last year - me staying when a lot of my friends left for pastures new - I missed Doug especially as we hadn't really been apart since birth. And, in turn, I've made new friends, and many situations and relationships have changed in the space of that year: what I have come to realise is that as I remain in the city this will continue to happen and it cannot be avoided. Not that it should be avoided - it is an important part of growth. It can be upsetting, but these wouldn't be real friendships if I wasn't emotionally affected in some way.
Oh god - I'm aware that I have rambled terribly, so will keep the rest short and sweet (promise):
1) Am home atm for the Wellfield House open garden for MacMillan: will be helping on the plant stall.
2) Had Maya's farewell bbq last night - t'was fun.
3) Started the new job - first shift went very well :)
4) I'm extremely tired.
5) I need a smack around the head for being emo (not just in relation to anything I've mentioned in this note - may get around to writing about this at a later date, but right now it's probably not a good idea).
This bout of reflectivness is brought about by various events of the past couple of days. The first of these events was being informed that one of my best friends from school was now married. I knew she was engaged, and I was at her engagment party in Jabuary, but I thought she wasn't planning on getting hitched until October - seems I was wrong. Well, I was only partially wrong: She and her now-husband only decided three weeks ago that they were going to go ahead and get married asap (I should perhaps explain that they were in America at this point and he is an American citizen), so three weeks later they were. They only informed their parents and sorta-kinda eloped. I'm glad that they are so posative that this is what they wanted to do, and I suspect that it had been on their minds for a while - it just came as a suprise when checking Facebook to find that Eva had updated her status to "Eva is married - officially!!!". It's really very telling of our generation - lol!
Maybe I'm so freaked out because I don't really think of myself as an adult or as being in anyway mature enough to make that sort of decision. Eva and I are both only 22. Is it just me, or does everyone still feel like a kid at this age? I mean, it's only 5 years since I left highschool! Looking through my books the other day I came across a copy of Persuasion that I was given by my AH English teacher in sixth year - the inscription on the fly-leaf is dated 07/05/03. Over 5 years ago. And yet, sitting here at home, it could have been yesterday. It think that it is perhaps the time of year: I love this time of year at home; twilight is lingering, mist settles in bringing a damp chill to the air, everything become muted, blackbirds and robins call out from all around, lending a last vibrancy to an otherwise melecholy landscape. I went around the National Gallery of Scotland today and saw several pictures of the Borders: they were all picturesque in the style of the Romantics, but terribly unrepresentative. Nothing in the style or mood of the images made me think in anyway of my home. Admittedly my taste in landscape turns more towards appreciation of the sublime or the melencholy-picturesque rather than the idylic. Anyway, back to the point: I always feel younger at home - perhaps everyone does - and sitting here, right now, I don't think that at this age that I am in any way capable of making that decision. Hell, there are days where I can barely decide what CD to put on while I working, let alone knowing whether I'm capable of being with someone for the rest of my life!
Which leads me neatly into my next point: how does anyone know whether the person they're with (etc etc) is a person they would be capable of spending their life with? Ok, clearly there will be attraction for whatever reason and you get to know the person in question over a period of time, but frankly, even when you think you know the person completely: how do you know that they are 'the one'? (Aside: I don't think that there is any such thing as 'the one' - it sounds like romantic BS with no basis). There are no thunder-claps or choirs of angels to highlight the fact, so we have to go with intuition. This is the point at which I get very nervous: humans are faliable - none of us make perfect decisions which will please everyone all the time, it's impossible - so is it a case of making the best of a situation or a least-worst-choice? I hate the mere thought of there being 'one perfect person for everyone' - it's a load of bollocks - but if you are going to spend you're life with someone then you want it to be that 'perfect person' otherwise, what's the point? So when a couple make the decision to marry are they hoping that this is the right person for them or are they compromising and making the most of it? Sorry, I'm not terribly romantic - I'd like to think that romance still has some place in my world, but quite frankly I'm not sure it does. My conclusion is that it must be a case of meet someone you like and can stand to be around for long periods of time (who also likes you preferably) and make the best of it and honour those comitments should someone "better" make an apperance in your life (ye gods - how wanky did that sound?!).
Sorry, this has become a very convoluted and irrelevant post which bears little resembalance to the original title. Please bear with my rambling train of thoughts until it reaches it's terminus or become completely derailed.
Ok, the second reflection-inducing event of the past couple of days: yet another graduation approaches. This year it's Maya's turn and she's moving back home to Wales tomorrow. We've been best friends for nearly 5 years now - which is a scarey thought in it's own right - throughout the highs, lows, tears and hysterics, we've always been very close. And now (in terms of physical distance) that's about to change. Edinburgh's going to be a very differant place for however long I remain there. In many respects, it was the same last year - me staying when a lot of my friends left for pastures new - I missed Doug especially as we hadn't really been apart since birth. And, in turn, I've made new friends, and many situations and relationships have changed in the space of that year: what I have come to realise is that as I remain in the city this will continue to happen and it cannot be avoided. Not that it should be avoided - it is an important part of growth. It can be upsetting, but these wouldn't be real friendships if I wasn't emotionally affected in some way.
Oh god - I'm aware that I have rambled terribly, so will keep the rest short and sweet (promise):
1) Am home atm for the Wellfield House open garden for MacMillan: will be helping on the plant stall.
2) Had Maya's farewell bbq last night - t'was fun.
3) Started the new job - first shift went very well :)
4) I'm extremely tired.
5) I need a smack around the head for being emo (not just in relation to anything I've mentioned in this note - may get around to writing about this at a later date, but right now it's probably not a good idea).
Monday, 2 June 2008
Gubbins
Saw Sex and the City - t'was reasonably entertaining and not completely rubbish, so I count that as a win.
Got the first of my course results back - 69%, which is ok, but not as good as I had hoped for that course.
Got a new p/t job conducting customer satisfaction inverviews outside galleries and museums around the city - pays quite well and is flexiable.
Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter recently - t'was quite good fun :)
Have found a really interesting internship to apply for in the Scottish Government EU office :D Sounds very exciting.
Got a rejection letter this morning for the Senior Researcher position I applied for at the Scottish Government: not suprised really. Hope I get an invite for the Research Officer position - fingers crossed.
Finished fieldwork at last.
Watched Manos: The Hands of Fate last night! Oh ye gods! It's was truely dreadful to such an extent that it made Boa vs. Python (which we watched next) look good! That's a very telling sign.
We won the pub quiz last Thursday for the first time in ages :D Woot!
Pete left for Romania on Friday. Giving Mum directions out to the airport was a nightmare, but we managed to stop shouting at eachother by the time we reached the terminal.
Got the first of my course results back - 69%, which is ok, but not as good as I had hoped for that course.
Got a new p/t job conducting customer satisfaction inverviews outside galleries and museums around the city - pays quite well and is flexiable.
Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter recently - t'was quite good fun :)
Have found a really interesting internship to apply for in the Scottish Government EU office :D Sounds very exciting.
Got a rejection letter this morning for the Senior Researcher position I applied for at the Scottish Government: not suprised really. Hope I get an invite for the Research Officer position - fingers crossed.
Finished fieldwork at last.
Watched Manos: The Hands of Fate last night! Oh ye gods! It's was truely dreadful to such an extent that it made Boa vs. Python (which we watched next) look good! That's a very telling sign.
We won the pub quiz last Thursday for the first time in ages :D Woot!
Pete left for Romania on Friday. Giving Mum directions out to the airport was a nightmare, but we managed to stop shouting at eachother by the time we reached the terminal.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Indiana Jones and the Truely Dreadful Film
1. Do not waste your money by seeing the new Indiana Jones film - it's not worth the money let alone hours of you life! It was pointless, and not in an entertaining way (like the first 3) either: it was filled with stereotypes, bad accents, dreadful 'acting', cliche after cliche, all sorts of rubbish detail problems (e.g. a 'crystal skull' which can magnetically attract gun powder - yeah, there-in is another seperate problem - from across a vast warehouse while in a sealed box in a pile of large boxes, and yet somehow doesn't attract anything when wrapped in a blanket). And of course, as anyone who has seen the trailer will be able to tell, they introduce his long-lost son and the woman he left at the alter (incidently, I'm convinced the actress must have had a serious brain injury since the last Indy film she appeared in - all the acting ability of a newt). To conclude: very bad.
2. Never, ever play Drink-along-with-Terry while watching the Eurovision Song Contest: you will only ever regret it.
The Rules
i) Drink anytime Terry Wogan mentions the following: Balkan States, Political Voting, "big shock/suprise", "I would never have seen that coming",
ii) Drink as Terry gets gradually more offensive about the acts
iii) Drink any time Terry makes a vaguely sexist/racist remark
...and so on.
Optional rule
i) Drink when the act is just downright sleazy (this was the killer for me this year!)
All in all, a very entertaining evening :D
2. Never, ever play Drink-along-with-Terry while watching the Eurovision Song Contest: you will only ever regret it.
The Rules
i) Drink anytime Terry Wogan mentions the following: Balkan States, Political Voting, "big shock/suprise", "I would never have seen that coming",
ii) Drink as Terry gets gradually more offensive about the acts
iii) Drink any time Terry makes a vaguely sexist/racist remark
...and so on.
Optional rule
i) Drink when the act is just downright sleazy (this was the killer for me this year!)
All in all, a very entertaining evening :D
Friday, 23 May 2008
Wibble!
Well, that was the most shocking thing to have happened to me in quite a long time!
I was in Sainsburys buying some stuff for dinner, got to the front of the checkout queue when the girl serving me had an epileptic fit. She had stood up and then lurched over sideways: I thought she had caught her foot in the base of the chair, so leaned over to make sure she was ok (it looked like a nasty fall and I was concerned that she might have hit her head on the way down) only to see her fitting. I did what anyone would do in the circumstances and rushed round the back of the counter. I wasn't sure what to do, so I did what I could: put her on her side, held her steady, made sure her head didn't hit anything, made sure she wouldn't swallow her tongue and kept talking to her. It was a terrifying situation to be in: she was the last person on the row of counters and no one would have noticed her go down if myself and another guy hadn't been in the queue. I was there for a couple of minutes until the first-aider was called and then the paramedics, who got there very swiftly. There wasn't anything else I could do except tell them what happened and what I did, buy my shopping and leave. I really hope she's ok - I'm still concerned that she may have concussed herself, but the Paramedics will ensure she's ok.
Just hope I never have to deal with that sort of situation again - I was pretty shocked afterwards and started crying. Felt extremely stupid doing so - what were tears going to do afterall? But I couldn't help it, so I let them come. I'm fine now, and I hope the girl is.
I was in Sainsburys buying some stuff for dinner, got to the front of the checkout queue when the girl serving me had an epileptic fit. She had stood up and then lurched over sideways: I thought she had caught her foot in the base of the chair, so leaned over to make sure she was ok (it looked like a nasty fall and I was concerned that she might have hit her head on the way down) only to see her fitting. I did what anyone would do in the circumstances and rushed round the back of the counter. I wasn't sure what to do, so I did what I could: put her on her side, held her steady, made sure her head didn't hit anything, made sure she wouldn't swallow her tongue and kept talking to her. It was a terrifying situation to be in: she was the last person on the row of counters and no one would have noticed her go down if myself and another guy hadn't been in the queue. I was there for a couple of minutes until the first-aider was called and then the paramedics, who got there very swiftly. There wasn't anything else I could do except tell them what happened and what I did, buy my shopping and leave. I really hope she's ok - I'm still concerned that she may have concussed herself, but the Paramedics will ensure she's ok.
Just hope I never have to deal with that sort of situation again - I was pretty shocked afterwards and started crying. Felt extremely stupid doing so - what were tears going to do afterall? But I couldn't help it, so I let them come. I'm fine now, and I hope the girl is.
Random bits and bobs
Have been doing fieldwork for my dissertation down at Ocean terminal this week: it has been going well, but I'm now utterly shattered. I start down at Princes Street next week. It has been pretty sucessful so far, but I keep wanting to sell stuff to customers because it's really just like when I worked there at christmas. Anyway - 8/30 interviews done and some pretty useful data coming out of it.
Got a nice new dress today from TKMaxx - really like it :) But am feeling rather ill, so not in the mood to go out.
A family of ducks have moved into the pond under the Scottish Widows building at the top of Dalkeith Road :D Very very cute! The pond is on two levels and the water runs from the upper one over a ledge into the lower one: it would seem the ducklings were having trouble with this so someone has put a plank between the two levels so they can get back up :D Hehe! I love ducklings - fluffy yellow bundles of cuteness.
A bit ill today - have caught some sort of bug: left OT a bit early but the traffic on Leith Walk was so bad that I got home at the same time as if I had left at 5pm :(
Got a nice new dress today from TKMaxx - really like it :) But am feeling rather ill, so not in the mood to go out.
A family of ducks have moved into the pond under the Scottish Widows building at the top of Dalkeith Road :D Very very cute! The pond is on two levels and the water runs from the upper one over a ledge into the lower one: it would seem the ducklings were having trouble with this so someone has put a plank between the two levels so they can get back up :D Hehe! I love ducklings - fluffy yellow bundles of cuteness.
A bit ill today - have caught some sort of bug: left OT a bit early but the traffic on Leith Walk was so bad that I got home at the same time as if I had left at 5pm :(
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Friday, 16 May 2008
Feeling a bit rudderless...
So I've done my final ever exam and now it's the long, slow crawl towards the dissertation - 29th of August here I come *sigh*. This being the case I'm applying for every job I can find - it's really pretty depressing actually, the most (relatively speaking) important experiences of your life compressed into a CV. I guess I'm just feeling a bit grouchy as the final go-ahead for fieldwork has not yet been given and I really just want to get on with it already! Lol! It'd mean I wouldn't be in the office for a couple of weeks anyway except for writing-up field notes etc. Oh well, I just have to hope that the ethic committee finally get back to me today.
In other news: my p/t job finishes next week. Tutoring has been a fun experience, but I'm shattered and it has really only confirmed in my mind that there is no way on Earth that I'd want to be a teacher. I've applied for a p/t filing job in the evenings, which would be ideal, if rather boring, but the pay (£6.70 p/h) is pretty damn good and it'd be 5-8pm Monday - Thursday, which works pretty well with my timetable. They haven't got back to me yet, but I hope they do soon.
Haha - just checked my email and my ethics has been signed off: I'm good to go! Woot! :D Now I can go and harass people in the street!
Ok, less grouchy now :)
Shall try and apply for 3 jobs this PM after I've monitored J and N's assessment: all research jobs, but they pay well and that's all I'm really bothered about. Having said that, several of them are in London, so I really need to start considering whether moving there is something I'm willing to do. If they pay well enough to support me then there's no conceivable reason why I shouldn't, but I feel like some thing's holding me back. I don't really want to leave Edinburgh, and there are a good number of reasons why I shouldn't, but at the same time I have to go where the money is and where opportunity is. If I'm offered one of the jobs I plan to apply for this afternoon, then I will go wherever it takes me and will have to deal with the consequences as best I can.
In other news: my p/t job finishes next week. Tutoring has been a fun experience, but I'm shattered and it has really only confirmed in my mind that there is no way on Earth that I'd want to be a teacher. I've applied for a p/t filing job in the evenings, which would be ideal, if rather boring, but the pay (£6.70 p/h) is pretty damn good and it'd be 5-8pm Monday - Thursday, which works pretty well with my timetable. They haven't got back to me yet, but I hope they do soon.
Haha - just checked my email and my ethics has been signed off: I'm good to go! Woot! :D Now I can go and harass people in the street!
Ok, less grouchy now :)
Shall try and apply for 3 jobs this PM after I've monitored J and N's assessment: all research jobs, but they pay well and that's all I'm really bothered about. Having said that, several of them are in London, so I really need to start considering whether moving there is something I'm willing to do. If they pay well enough to support me then there's no conceivable reason why I shouldn't, but I feel like some thing's holding me back. I don't really want to leave Edinburgh, and there are a good number of reasons why I shouldn't, but at the same time I have to go where the money is and where opportunity is. If I'm offered one of the jobs I plan to apply for this afternoon, then I will go wherever it takes me and will have to deal with the consequences as best I can.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Crappy crappy evening
Basicly I was attacked by a bunch of drunken, stupid women at a flatwarming party. Some sort of misinterpretation was made involving me saying to one of the girls that I really liked her shoes and her taking this as a deadly insult (God only knows how, but there was quite a lot of drink involved and a game of Chinese whispers no doubt). They made a bunch of insults as I was leaving that cut to the bone; comments about my weight and dress-sense and so on. Stupid things in themselves, but they brought out a load of my old insecurities and made me feel about 15 again (which was probably what age these girls were to be quite honest - their 'wit' and 'logic' would certainly suggest it). I made the stupid mistake of reacting to this (sometimes I curse my quickness of temper) and made the situation worse. I don't know if they were just agressive because they were drunk or looking for fight or what, but it just makes me very very glad that I was never like that and I pray that I never will be.
It makes me thankful for the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who stand up for me - especially Maya. If they hadn't been there I almost certainly would have ended up in a fist-fight: I'd have landed a few blows but there were quite few of them so I wouldn't have made it far I doubt.
Why do people feel the need to act like this? I don't understand it. I can't help but think that it's the result of some lack of fulfilment or perpose in their lives; maybe a lack of self-respect.
What I've learned from this is that I need to manage my temper better (turn the other cheek), that I have fantastic friends, that some people are just aggressive, and that I shouldn't blame myself for the actions of others.
It makes me thankful for the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who stand up for me - especially Maya. If they hadn't been there I almost certainly would have ended up in a fist-fight: I'd have landed a few blows but there were quite few of them so I wouldn't have made it far I doubt.
Why do people feel the need to act like this? I don't understand it. I can't help but think that it's the result of some lack of fulfilment or perpose in their lives; maybe a lack of self-respect.
What I've learned from this is that I need to manage my temper better (turn the other cheek), that I have fantastic friends, that some people are just aggressive, and that I shouldn't blame myself for the actions of others.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Hmmmm......?
Rather random conversation over lunch: we were discussing a form of punishment Justine had heard of a while back (following on from a conversation about the evilness of Seagulls - we have very odd conversations in our department). Basicly what would happen was an offender would have a fish strapped to their head then be pushed overboard or thrown into the sea, and the fish would attract dive-bombing seabirds! You can imagine the results.
Ealasaid's reaction: "Eeewww, sick!"
My reaction: "Hmmmm, creative."
Oh dear...
Ealasaid's reaction: "Eeewww, sick!"
My reaction: "Hmmmm, creative."
Oh dear...
Monday, 5 May 2008
Big box, little box, giant SQUID!
Hmm, where to start?
Well, first off: All my coursework is now done and handed in :D This leaves me with an exam on Thursday and the Dissertation at the end of August. My intention is to start fieldwork later next week (if all goes to plan!) and hopefully have a more-or-less-final draft of the dissertation ready for the start of August. If this, by some miracle, actually happens then I should theoretically be able to enjoy some of the Fringe and catch up with visiting friends. Obviously this is an ideal situation and will probably end up with me doing the last minute thing again ;) Hehe - hopefully not, not after the undergrad dissertation (although I'm not the best at learning from my mistakes it has to be said)! So if you see me swanning around at the start of August looking far to relaxed then I'm counting on you lot (who ever might read this) to tell me to "Get on with your bloody dissertation, you lazy so-and-so".
Saturday was a busy day: Firstly, it was Josie's wedding. Lou, Ads and I went out for brunch before walking to St Cuthberts for the service. The day itself was overcast, but warm, so was able to wear my polkadot dress (I didn't manage to find anything else in time). The service was lovely and the choir performed very well. It was lovely to see so many Savoyards of all generations together again, and catch up with people I haven't see for a while. Then myself, Lou, Ads, Kirsty and Steven had lunch together before I went of to the Friends of Bedlam 5th birthday party. Again, lots of catching up got done. Sunday was nice a chilled out :)
Saw Iron Man on Friday: LOVE IT! Mmmmmm, Robert Downey jr. The whole thing was great :) Thoroughly enjoyed it - especially considering I wasn't overly impressed by the trailers. Shall probably go and see it again on Thursday evening - will see.
Hopefully shall get my poor, under-used bike out tomorrow if the weather holds - I feel guilty every time I walk past it :S But I did work up the motivation to go to the gym today for the first time in ages - t'was nice :)
Doing the job-application thing at the moment: there are a few research jobs I'm interested in at the Scottish parliament, and a couple at Westminster. And I should probably hunt for a p/t job for over the Summer - need to email John about the Archives job that he mentioned a week ago. Ah well - it sounds mind-numbingly dull, but it's flexiable which is the main thing.
Can't think of anything else atm - shall probably remember more in a bit.
Well, first off: All my coursework is now done and handed in :D This leaves me with an exam on Thursday and the Dissertation at the end of August. My intention is to start fieldwork later next week (if all goes to plan!) and hopefully have a more-or-less-final draft of the dissertation ready for the start of August. If this, by some miracle, actually happens then I should theoretically be able to enjoy some of the Fringe and catch up with visiting friends. Obviously this is an ideal situation and will probably end up with me doing the last minute thing again ;) Hehe - hopefully not, not after the undergrad dissertation (although I'm not the best at learning from my mistakes it has to be said)! So if you see me swanning around at the start of August looking far to relaxed then I'm counting on you lot (who ever might read this) to tell me to "Get on with your bloody dissertation, you lazy so-and-so".
Saturday was a busy day: Firstly, it was Josie's wedding. Lou, Ads and I went out for brunch before walking to St Cuthberts for the service. The day itself was overcast, but warm, so was able to wear my polkadot dress (I didn't manage to find anything else in time). The service was lovely and the choir performed very well. It was lovely to see so many Savoyards of all generations together again, and catch up with people I haven't see for a while. Then myself, Lou, Ads, Kirsty and Steven had lunch together before I went of to the Friends of Bedlam 5th birthday party. Again, lots of catching up got done. Sunday was nice a chilled out :)
Saw Iron Man on Friday: LOVE IT! Mmmmmm, Robert Downey jr. The whole thing was great :) Thoroughly enjoyed it - especially considering I wasn't overly impressed by the trailers. Shall probably go and see it again on Thursday evening - will see.
Hopefully shall get my poor, under-used bike out tomorrow if the weather holds - I feel guilty every time I walk past it :S But I did work up the motivation to go to the gym today for the first time in ages - t'was nice :)
Doing the job-application thing at the moment: there are a few research jobs I'm interested in at the Scottish parliament, and a couple at Westminster. And I should probably hunt for a p/t job for over the Summer - need to email John about the Archives job that he mentioned a week ago. Ah well - it sounds mind-numbingly dull, but it's flexiable which is the main thing.
Can't think of anything else atm - shall probably remember more in a bit.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Very very silly
http://xkcd.com/414/
Hehehehehe! One can only think that this would hurt quite a lot... And am rather curious as to where skateboards are mentioned in the Karma Sutra... *shugs*
Hehehehehe! One can only think that this would hurt quite a lot... And am rather curious as to where skateboards are mentioned in the Karma Sutra... *shugs*
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Because I havn't done one of these for a while...
1. What time is it?
15:15 GMT - also known as coffee time :)
2. What is your sign and your birthday?
Well, if you put any faith in that nonsense: Libra (although, having said that, some of my horoscopes in the Metro lately have been spot-on), and my birthday is October 1st
3. What type was your first car?
Don't own a car, but borrow the parents car from time-to-time when at home - can't really see the point of having a car in a city with pretty reasonable transport links - at home yes, but not here.
4. Name four jobs you've had in your life?
i) Banquet waitress - people with money enough to rent out a large country house and have it fully waited etc are generally very very odd people - just to warn you.
ii) Potato sorter - don't think I need to elaborate on that one
iii) Checkout slave - die, Tesco, die!
iv) Receptionist - and stationary cupboard tyrant
5. If you could have any job, what would it be?
Not really sure to be honest. A potter perhaps.
6. What are you most afraid of?
Pass - quite a lot of things I guess. Most people are. Wasps. Not learning from mistakes.
7. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?
Vantage Point, I think. Truely truely dreadful film lol! Problem was that the concept and the structure had potential, but (with the exception of a couple of action-scenes) everything else was a bit poor.
8. What are four movies you would watch over and over?
i) Serenity - :D Do I really need to explain why?
ii) Kill Bill 1 & 2 - Swords, Uma Thurman kicking ass, Quentin T, rocking soundtracks - what's not to love?
iii) Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - Robert Downey jr at his best, and probably one of the most quotable films in the world
iv) Children of Men - conceptually fabulous and beautifully filmed
9. Place of birth?
Edinburgh
10. What are four places you have lived?
Erm, I don't think I've lived in four differant places. Duns and Edinburgh would be about it.
11. What are four places you have been on vacation?
i) Ireland
ii) London
iii) South Africa
iv) Paris
12. What are four places you would rather be right now?
Hmmmmm, just about anywhere actually (well, obviously except the inside of a nuclear reactor - that'd probably be a brief and dull trip). Well, New Zealand, South Africa, Italy or Russia ideally, but more realistically: up Arthurs Seat, cycling down a steep hill, at the Cameo watching a film, lying on the meadows in the sunshine.
13. What are the best places you have ever been?
Is it just me or does that seem like a poor way of wording the question? Probably just me. South Africa was pretty awesome :D
14. What are four websites you visit daily?
i) Facebook - it's only a minor addiction, honest!
ii) Student Mail Service - cause if I leave it for too long the uni tends to complain that I'm ignoring them...
iii) BBC news
iv) Hotmail
Sorry, not the most interesting list I'm afraid! And XKCD is only updated 3 times a week...
15. What are four of your favorite foods?
i) Bread - seriously, I occassionally get bread cravings (only good bread though)
ii) Meat - I just don't eat much of it
iii) Crispy Shredded Chilli Beef - mmmmmmmm.
iv) Pinapple
16. What's your favorite new food?
Mmmm, I guess kidney and liver - Mum doesn't like them so we never really ate them at home, but I now cook them pretty often: cheap, tasty, and they make sure my iron-levels don't dip too often :)
17. Which do you prefer, ketchup or mustard?
Depends what it's on - ketchup on kittens and mustard on old-fashioned telephones?
18. Which do you prefer, hamburgers or hotdogs?
hamburgers, but only because...well...what hell do they put in hotdogs? :S Having said that, you never really know what they put in hamburgers.
19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yup - poor-mans asparugus
20. Favorite Drink?
Diet Coke/Coke Zero - it's addicitive I swear. But when I have free-will, then probably a glass of good red-wine or coffee
21. Favorite ice cream?
Not sure - anything out of the ordinary really
22. What's your natural hair color?
Erm - well, I'd say a sort of mousey-light-brown, but I have been accused of being blonde from time-to-time
23. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
WTF?
24. Ever love someone so much it made you cry?
Ug... let's not talk about it, eh?
25. Favorite CD?
Lol - CDs are verging on retro these days ;) But it's a choice between The Essential Bob Dylan and the Juno Soundtrack
26. Favorite day of the week?
Not sure - Tuesdays are pretty good I reckon. But not Thursdays; I never could get the hang of Thursdays...
27. Favorite Restaurant?
The one at the end of the Universe. Or Rhubarb at The Prestonfield House Hotel.
28. Favorite Flower?
Tulips :) There's something infinately cheerful about them
29. Favorite sport to watch?
Rugby generally, but really want to watch a match of Elephant polo! but teasing Cats with string is a pretty good sport to watch :D
30. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB, because Disney suck.
31. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Erm, none - they're all a bit rubbish. Subway I guess, if that counts.
32. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Some sort of "sell-your-flat-quicker" neutral colour
33. Before this email, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Well, this wasn't an email. last actually email was probably from the uni library telling me to renew my books or die...wait, no...
34. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Answer stupid on-line questions
35. Bedtime?
Last night it was 10pm, but recently it has been 1am more often than not.
36. Who will respond to this email the quickest?
I hate this stupid bog-standard question - what's the point?
37. Who will be the least likely to respond?
Ditto
38. Who is the person copied on this email whose response you are most curious to see?
Ditto again
39. What four still-airing TV shows do you love to watch?
I don't really watch TV - it's mostly rubbish. Top Gear, QI...erm...I actually can't think of anything else! But am looking forward to Dollhouse (Joss Wheadon's new project) when it arrives here in about a decade's time.
40. Favorite TV show of all time?
Oh gods! How can I choose just one? Firefly, Monty Pythons Flying Circus, Farscape, Scrubs, Drop the Dead Donkey, Buffy, ...
41. What are you currently reading?
American Gods - Neil Gaiman (again)
I am Called Red - Orhan Puduik (I think) - murder mystery set in the 15th century in Bagdad, weird but very cool.
Paradise Lost - Milton
So, actually fewer books on the go than usual.
42. What are you listening to right now?
Right now? BBC News 24. Generally listening to atm: The Shins
43. How many tattoos do you have?
None - although the idea of a small tree-frog between the shoulder-blades would be pretty cool.
44. How many pets do you have?
None (having evicted the mouse at long-last)
45. What would you like to accomplish before you die?
Overcoming my fear of heights, write a book, move to South Africa or New Zealand, own a vinyard.
46. What's on your mouse pad?
Don't have a mouse-pad, only one of the on-lap-top-sensor-pad-things - and it doesn't work all that well (rather like the rest of the lap-top)
47. What is your favorite board game?
Trivial Persuits
48. Favorite smell?
Depends on the season: Summer - warm, freshly cut grass
Autumn - frost and bonfires
Winter - cold, frosty air
Spring - the garden after the rain
49. Least favorite smell?
Erm, anything unpleasant - like vomit or rotting fruit.
50. Favorite colors?
Purple, deep green, black, blue
51. Least favorite color?
Yellow - seriously, it's just utterly pointless except in the creation of green.
52. Future (or first) child's name?
That's making some fairy stupendous assumptions. I guess if I had to choose then Peter (for a boy, obviously) because we already have 4 Peters in the family and it would add to the confussion ;)
53. What is most important in life?
Living in the moment as well as for the future.
54. Do you like to drive fast?
Can't say that I've ever driven very fast, but that was on the basis that mums car could barely get above 50mph ;)
55. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, I find stuffed aminals a bit creepy really.
56. What's under your bed?
Nothing
57. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be?
Freud - just to ask "WTF, dude?", or Bruno Latour, for the same reason.
58. Okay, someone alive...?
Clive Owen ;) Or possibly Noel Castree - I want to know how he publishes so many articles every year?!
59. Storms: cool or scary?
Cool! Oh so cool! :D
60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chuck Norris.
15:15 GMT - also known as coffee time :)
2. What is your sign and your birthday?
Well, if you put any faith in that nonsense: Libra (although, having said that, some of my horoscopes in the Metro lately have been spot-on), and my birthday is October 1st
3. What type was your first car?
Don't own a car, but borrow the parents car from time-to-time when at home - can't really see the point of having a car in a city with pretty reasonable transport links - at home yes, but not here.
4. Name four jobs you've had in your life?
i) Banquet waitress - people with money enough to rent out a large country house and have it fully waited etc are generally very very odd people - just to warn you.
ii) Potato sorter - don't think I need to elaborate on that one
iii) Checkout slave - die, Tesco, die!
iv) Receptionist - and stationary cupboard tyrant
5. If you could have any job, what would it be?
Not really sure to be honest. A potter perhaps.
6. What are you most afraid of?
Pass - quite a lot of things I guess. Most people are. Wasps. Not learning from mistakes.
7. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?
Vantage Point, I think. Truely truely dreadful film lol! Problem was that the concept and the structure had potential, but (with the exception of a couple of action-scenes) everything else was a bit poor.
8. What are four movies you would watch over and over?
i) Serenity - :D Do I really need to explain why?
ii) Kill Bill 1 & 2 - Swords, Uma Thurman kicking ass, Quentin T, rocking soundtracks - what's not to love?
iii) Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - Robert Downey jr at his best, and probably one of the most quotable films in the world
iv) Children of Men - conceptually fabulous and beautifully filmed
9. Place of birth?
Edinburgh
10. What are four places you have lived?
Erm, I don't think I've lived in four differant places. Duns and Edinburgh would be about it.
11. What are four places you have been on vacation?
i) Ireland
ii) London
iii) South Africa
iv) Paris
12. What are four places you would rather be right now?
Hmmmmm, just about anywhere actually (well, obviously except the inside of a nuclear reactor - that'd probably be a brief and dull trip). Well, New Zealand, South Africa, Italy or Russia ideally, but more realistically: up Arthurs Seat, cycling down a steep hill, at the Cameo watching a film, lying on the meadows in the sunshine.
13. What are the best places you have ever been?
Is it just me or does that seem like a poor way of wording the question? Probably just me. South Africa was pretty awesome :D
14. What are four websites you visit daily?
i) Facebook - it's only a minor addiction, honest!
ii) Student Mail Service - cause if I leave it for too long the uni tends to complain that I'm ignoring them...
iii) BBC news
iv) Hotmail
Sorry, not the most interesting list I'm afraid! And XKCD is only updated 3 times a week...
15. What are four of your favorite foods?
i) Bread - seriously, I occassionally get bread cravings (only good bread though)
ii) Meat - I just don't eat much of it
iii) Crispy Shredded Chilli Beef - mmmmmmmm.
iv) Pinapple
16. What's your favorite new food?
Mmmm, I guess kidney and liver - Mum doesn't like them so we never really ate them at home, but I now cook them pretty often: cheap, tasty, and they make sure my iron-levels don't dip too often :)
17. Which do you prefer, ketchup or mustard?
Depends what it's on - ketchup on kittens and mustard on old-fashioned telephones?
18. Which do you prefer, hamburgers or hotdogs?
hamburgers, but only because...well...what hell do they put in hotdogs? :S Having said that, you never really know what they put in hamburgers.
19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yup - poor-mans asparugus
20. Favorite Drink?
Diet Coke/Coke Zero - it's addicitive I swear. But when I have free-will, then probably a glass of good red-wine or coffee
21. Favorite ice cream?
Not sure - anything out of the ordinary really
22. What's your natural hair color?
Erm - well, I'd say a sort of mousey-light-brown, but I have been accused of being blonde from time-to-time
23. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
WTF?
24. Ever love someone so much it made you cry?
Ug... let's not talk about it, eh?
25. Favorite CD?
Lol - CDs are verging on retro these days ;) But it's a choice between The Essential Bob Dylan and the Juno Soundtrack
26. Favorite day of the week?
Not sure - Tuesdays are pretty good I reckon. But not Thursdays; I never could get the hang of Thursdays...
27. Favorite Restaurant?
The one at the end of the Universe. Or Rhubarb at The Prestonfield House Hotel.
28. Favorite Flower?
Tulips :) There's something infinately cheerful about them
29. Favorite sport to watch?
Rugby generally, but really want to watch a match of Elephant polo! but teasing Cats with string is a pretty good sport to watch :D
30. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB, because Disney suck.
31. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Erm, none - they're all a bit rubbish. Subway I guess, if that counts.
32. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Some sort of "sell-your-flat-quicker" neutral colour
33. Before this email, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Well, this wasn't an email. last actually email was probably from the uni library telling me to renew my books or die...wait, no...
34. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Answer stupid on-line questions
35. Bedtime?
Last night it was 10pm, but recently it has been 1am more often than not.
36. Who will respond to this email the quickest?
I hate this stupid bog-standard question - what's the point?
37. Who will be the least likely to respond?
Ditto
38. Who is the person copied on this email whose response you are most curious to see?
Ditto again
39. What four still-airing TV shows do you love to watch?
I don't really watch TV - it's mostly rubbish. Top Gear, QI...erm...I actually can't think of anything else! But am looking forward to Dollhouse (Joss Wheadon's new project) when it arrives here in about a decade's time.
40. Favorite TV show of all time?
Oh gods! How can I choose just one? Firefly, Monty Pythons Flying Circus, Farscape, Scrubs, Drop the Dead Donkey, Buffy, ...
41. What are you currently reading?
American Gods - Neil Gaiman (again)
I am Called Red - Orhan Puduik (I think) - murder mystery set in the 15th century in Bagdad, weird but very cool.
Paradise Lost - Milton
So, actually fewer books on the go than usual.
42. What are you listening to right now?
Right now? BBC News 24. Generally listening to atm: The Shins
43. How many tattoos do you have?
None - although the idea of a small tree-frog between the shoulder-blades would be pretty cool.
44. How many pets do you have?
None (having evicted the mouse at long-last)
45. What would you like to accomplish before you die?
Overcoming my fear of heights, write a book, move to South Africa or New Zealand, own a vinyard.
46. What's on your mouse pad?
Don't have a mouse-pad, only one of the on-lap-top-sensor-pad-things - and it doesn't work all that well (rather like the rest of the lap-top)
47. What is your favorite board game?
Trivial Persuits
48. Favorite smell?
Depends on the season: Summer - warm, freshly cut grass
Autumn - frost and bonfires
Winter - cold, frosty air
Spring - the garden after the rain
49. Least favorite smell?
Erm, anything unpleasant - like vomit or rotting fruit.
50. Favorite colors?
Purple, deep green, black, blue
51. Least favorite color?
Yellow - seriously, it's just utterly pointless except in the creation of green.
52. Future (or first) child's name?
That's making some fairy stupendous assumptions. I guess if I had to choose then Peter (for a boy, obviously) because we already have 4 Peters in the family and it would add to the confussion ;)
53. What is most important in life?
Living in the moment as well as for the future.
54. Do you like to drive fast?
Can't say that I've ever driven very fast, but that was on the basis that mums car could barely get above 50mph ;)
55. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, I find stuffed aminals a bit creepy really.
56. What's under your bed?
Nothing
57. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be?
Freud - just to ask "WTF, dude?", or Bruno Latour, for the same reason.
58. Okay, someone alive...?
Clive Owen ;) Or possibly Noel Castree - I want to know how he publishes so many articles every year?!
59. Storms: cool or scary?
Cool! Oh so cool! :D
60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chuck Norris.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Meh
Handed in essay of doom and now want to go out and do fun stuff, but no one seems to be around or replying to texts etc :( Bit depressing actually.
Friday, 18 April 2008
In the computing labs once more...
http://xkcd.com/412/
Clearly stolen from an episode of The Moomins... ;) Or perhaps I just know too much about random childrens cartoons... perhaps...
On a differant note: I caught a mouse this morning! With my own hands! (Well, not with hands cause that'd be a bit gross - caught it with a box). Little bastard has been preventing my poor flatmate from sleeping so we decided to move the wardrobe to check if that was where it/they were hiding - nothing there, but I turned around to see a mouse sitting on a pile of stuff! Cheeky little devil was watching us and probably having a bit of a laugh to itself at the fuss it was creating. So I grabbed a box and scooped it up before it had a chance to scarper (having said that it looked a bit sleepy and drousy so I doubt it would have been going anywhere fast anyway). I took it outside and popped in on the ground at the top of the garden. It shivered a bit and moved slowly off toward the bushes - hopefully a cat'll catch it and it won't be making a repeat appearance in Chez 291. Thinking of borrowing a cat from someone and keeping it in the flat for a few hours to see whether it can catch anything or at least make the place smell sufficiently of cat to make the mice emigrate promptly!
Ah well, best get on with some reading now. Have a busy weekend socially and an essay to finish and ethics assessment to finish for Monday (hopefully) then an exam to start revising for and a portfolio to complete - fun fun.
Clearly stolen from an episode of The Moomins... ;) Or perhaps I just know too much about random childrens cartoons... perhaps...
On a differant note: I caught a mouse this morning! With my own hands! (Well, not with hands cause that'd be a bit gross - caught it with a box). Little bastard has been preventing my poor flatmate from sleeping so we decided to move the wardrobe to check if that was where it/they were hiding - nothing there, but I turned around to see a mouse sitting on a pile of stuff! Cheeky little devil was watching us and probably having a bit of a laugh to itself at the fuss it was creating. So I grabbed a box and scooped it up before it had a chance to scarper (having said that it looked a bit sleepy and drousy so I doubt it would have been going anywhere fast anyway). I took it outside and popped in on the ground at the top of the garden. It shivered a bit and moved slowly off toward the bushes - hopefully a cat'll catch it and it won't be making a repeat appearance in Chez 291. Thinking of borrowing a cat from someone and keeping it in the flat for a few hours to see whether it can catch anything or at least make the place smell sufficiently of cat to make the mice emigrate promptly!
Ah well, best get on with some reading now. Have a busy weekend socially and an essay to finish and ethics assessment to finish for Monday (hopefully) then an exam to start revising for and a portfolio to complete - fun fun.
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Londinium
It has been a wee while since I last wrote anything of any relevance to anyone other than myself (bad teenage angst - down!), so in order to sort this problem I shall summerise my trip to The Big Smoke.
Friday
Caught the train down to Kingscross from Waverly around 11am. Fairly uneventful journey with a minor delay due to a stupid lorry driver catching his/her vehicle in overhead power cables at a level crossing; Am I the only one who thinks what it takes a great lack of intelligence to manage that feat? Got into Kings Cross around 4pm and then started worrying about how I was ever going to find my way out to Victoria station (note: I had been to London once before when I was very young, so had no idea about what to expect from transport etc). Successfully navigated the tube and Victoria Station and caught the train out to West Malling where I was staying at Simons place that evening. The countryside around there is very beautiful - it reminds me of home quite a lot, so the train journey was rather nice in terms of scenery. Si picked me up from the station and we spent the rest of the day chatting, went for a walk and had a meal with his family. T'was quite a long tiring day, but fun and a bit of an adventure (and I love train journeys, so it wasn't too bad).
Saturday
Got up quite late and had breakfast with Si before we headed back in to London. Took a trip on the DLR out to Stratford (we were aiming to go and see The Globe but got the wrong Stratford apparently) and back before meeting up with Lou. We wandered around a bit in Westminster area and St James' park before hunting for somewhere to have a coffee and dry off - monsoon season had struck London it would seem! Ended up in a Starbucks (bluegh) and sat chatting for a couple of hours. I was struck by just how many Globalisationbucks there are in London - silly numbers, and several on the same road. (On a side-note; one of the damn places has opened on South Clerk St here in Edinburgh - that makes at least 4 within 15-20 mins walk of eachother - bah!). Si headed off a bit later to his brothers place and Lou caught the bus home, and I went to Leicester Square to meet up with Doug, Cat and Zara. We met up and had something to eat and a chat; was rather shocked by Cat's bluntness I have to say. She was very forward in asking personal questions and suffers from what is commonly known as 'Overshare Syndrome'. Also discovered that various bits of gossip had made their way to London unexpectedly (thanks Stu) and seemed (at least to Cat) to be good topics of conversation...hmmm. Was not overly impressed by her, but that is all I shall say on the subject. Zara headed off to see her parents while the rest of us contemplated going to see a comedy show, but ended up being to lethargic to give it any real thought and went back to Doug's place and watched TV for a bit before sleeping (3 in the bed was a little cozy really - and no, it was all perfectly innocent before you ask).
Sunday
Another late start - bit through no choice of mine. Someone, who shall remain nameless, took for-bloody-ever getting ready (incidently, walking around in very see-through underwear in a room with a person you don't know is called 'exhibitionism' for future reference - possibly also 'attention seeking'). Left my stuff at Dougs place because the rucksack seemed to somehow get heavier and heavier over the weekend with nothing being added! We headed up to Camden Market for a look around and for Cat to meet her friend Polly: it was eclectic and busy and touristy (for the most part) but a lot of fun (p.s. if anyone is looking for a birthday present for me may I suggest the Space Invaders LED t-shirt from Cyberdog - tres tres cool!). Had some breakfast (crepps - yum!) and looked around: got some earings for myself and for Gesine for her birthday. We then headed out to St Pancaras to see Cat off and had lunch (crepe again - goats cheese!). Cat got the train, Polly disappeared, and Doug and I went to meet Lou and Claire at the British Museum. We got so terribly lost on the way there - my guide book apparently felt no need to include such things as major roads etc, so it was around 4pm by the time we got there and because Lou got lost too she arrived at around 4.45pm, 15mins before the place closed lol! Having successfully failed to see much we all piled back towards town to find some dinner and Claire went home (chest infection). This came in the form of Mexican street food from Wahaca in Covent Garden area. Seriously good stuff! and their Wahaca Mules (drink) are to die for :D Was pretty stuffed after that so we wandered around to find a quiet pub for a drink: we found The Sussex. The Sussex is basicly Doctors except in London. Was quite reassuring in this sea of confussion to find a pub where it was quite possible that everyone might actually know your name! I had been due to go back to Lou's that evening, but because my stuff was at Dougs place it ended up being much simpler just to go back there, and we duely did. Watched Dodgeball - not as bad as I had expected.
Monday
The alarm went of hellishly early but we didn't need to be leaving until 11am (Doug was heading out to Austria with Google for a conference). Watched the news, got washed and changed then went out for breakfast to a place up the road. It was nice just to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine while eating toast and watching the world go by. We wandered back to pick up stuff then up to the tube station. We said our goodbyes at Green Park and I continued on to Westminster to change to get the Northern line to Blackfriars to meet Jordan for lunch (yes, all I did all weekend is eat apparently!). It was a nice but brief lunch (he was on his lunch break from work) and we had a chance to catch up - I do miss him a lot, as I miss all my friends in that neck of the woods. That over I hopped on the tube (getting good at it by this point - God bless Oyster Cards) to meet Helen at Charing Cross Station. Another round of coffee ensued and two hours of chat before wandering around a bit aimlessly. We met up with Lou again at Leicester Square and went to get show tickets - Avenue Q!!!!!! Got pretty good seats for £20. Popped out for dinner (not that I really needed it!) before hand then headed back to The Noel Coward Theatre for 8pm. The show was superbe and so funney; I had known the music for a while, but the show itself was something else - go see it!!!!! That done we saw Helen off at the station before Lou and I caught the bus to her place. Slept as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Tuesday
Lou was up and out reasonably early, and I was out not long afterwards to head for Kings Cross. Got there a bit early - just in time for a power-shortage in the main concourse, so had to listen out for the announcement of train times instead. Got on the train quickly then got a text from Helen to say that she was at KC too, so she popped up to say cheerio before she caught her train to Hull. The trip back was uneventful but I got some work done at least.
Got home, unpacked, showered, made a cake, did a clothes wash before heading up to Tim's for dinner at 7pm. Was a nice chilled-out evening and he's a lovely boy :)
Right, so that was probably a more detailed summery than either you or I was expecting. the trip was good fun, and I reckon that should work take me to London in the future then I think I could probably handle it. Truth be told I really rather liked it after the pace of Edinburgh. And I would be able to see a lot of my close friends who I miss a lot when I'm up here. It's something to consider anyway.
The next few days have in store: 2 deadlines, a hen party, lunch and coffee with various people, pool, pub quiz and possibly the farmers market - will see. Busy busy :)
Friday
Caught the train down to Kingscross from Waverly around 11am. Fairly uneventful journey with a minor delay due to a stupid lorry driver catching his/her vehicle in overhead power cables at a level crossing; Am I the only one who thinks what it takes a great lack of intelligence to manage that feat? Got into Kings Cross around 4pm and then started worrying about how I was ever going to find my way out to Victoria station (note: I had been to London once before when I was very young, so had no idea about what to expect from transport etc). Successfully navigated the tube and Victoria Station and caught the train out to West Malling where I was staying at Simons place that evening. The countryside around there is very beautiful - it reminds me of home quite a lot, so the train journey was rather nice in terms of scenery. Si picked me up from the station and we spent the rest of the day chatting, went for a walk and had a meal with his family. T'was quite a long tiring day, but fun and a bit of an adventure (and I love train journeys, so it wasn't too bad).
Saturday
Got up quite late and had breakfast with Si before we headed back in to London. Took a trip on the DLR out to Stratford (we were aiming to go and see The Globe but got the wrong Stratford apparently) and back before meeting up with Lou. We wandered around a bit in Westminster area and St James' park before hunting for somewhere to have a coffee and dry off - monsoon season had struck London it would seem! Ended up in a Starbucks (bluegh) and sat chatting for a couple of hours. I was struck by just how many Globalisationbucks there are in London - silly numbers, and several on the same road. (On a side-note; one of the damn places has opened on South Clerk St here in Edinburgh - that makes at least 4 within 15-20 mins walk of eachother - bah!). Si headed off a bit later to his brothers place and Lou caught the bus home, and I went to Leicester Square to meet up with Doug, Cat and Zara. We met up and had something to eat and a chat; was rather shocked by Cat's bluntness I have to say. She was very forward in asking personal questions and suffers from what is commonly known as 'Overshare Syndrome'. Also discovered that various bits of gossip had made their way to London unexpectedly (thanks Stu) and seemed (at least to Cat) to be good topics of conversation...hmmm. Was not overly impressed by her, but that is all I shall say on the subject. Zara headed off to see her parents while the rest of us contemplated going to see a comedy show, but ended up being to lethargic to give it any real thought and went back to Doug's place and watched TV for a bit before sleeping (3 in the bed was a little cozy really - and no, it was all perfectly innocent before you ask).
Sunday
Another late start - bit through no choice of mine. Someone, who shall remain nameless, took for-bloody-ever getting ready (incidently, walking around in very see-through underwear in a room with a person you don't know is called 'exhibitionism' for future reference - possibly also 'attention seeking'). Left my stuff at Dougs place because the rucksack seemed to somehow get heavier and heavier over the weekend with nothing being added! We headed up to Camden Market for a look around and for Cat to meet her friend Polly: it was eclectic and busy and touristy (for the most part) but a lot of fun (p.s. if anyone is looking for a birthday present for me may I suggest the Space Invaders LED t-shirt from Cyberdog - tres tres cool!). Had some breakfast (crepps - yum!) and looked around: got some earings for myself and for Gesine for her birthday. We then headed out to St Pancaras to see Cat off and had lunch (crepe again - goats cheese!). Cat got the train, Polly disappeared, and Doug and I went to meet Lou and Claire at the British Museum. We got so terribly lost on the way there - my guide book apparently felt no need to include such things as major roads etc, so it was around 4pm by the time we got there and because Lou got lost too she arrived at around 4.45pm, 15mins before the place closed lol! Having successfully failed to see much we all piled back towards town to find some dinner and Claire went home (chest infection). This came in the form of Mexican street food from Wahaca in Covent Garden area. Seriously good stuff! and their Wahaca Mules (drink) are to die for :D Was pretty stuffed after that so we wandered around to find a quiet pub for a drink: we found The Sussex. The Sussex is basicly Doctors except in London. Was quite reassuring in this sea of confussion to find a pub where it was quite possible that everyone might actually know your name! I had been due to go back to Lou's that evening, but because my stuff was at Dougs place it ended up being much simpler just to go back there, and we duely did. Watched Dodgeball - not as bad as I had expected.
Monday
The alarm went of hellishly early but we didn't need to be leaving until 11am (Doug was heading out to Austria with Google for a conference). Watched the news, got washed and changed then went out for breakfast to a place up the road. It was nice just to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine while eating toast and watching the world go by. We wandered back to pick up stuff then up to the tube station. We said our goodbyes at Green Park and I continued on to Westminster to change to get the Northern line to Blackfriars to meet Jordan for lunch (yes, all I did all weekend is eat apparently!). It was a nice but brief lunch (he was on his lunch break from work) and we had a chance to catch up - I do miss him a lot, as I miss all my friends in that neck of the woods. That over I hopped on the tube (getting good at it by this point - God bless Oyster Cards) to meet Helen at Charing Cross Station. Another round of coffee ensued and two hours of chat before wandering around a bit aimlessly. We met up with Lou again at Leicester Square and went to get show tickets - Avenue Q!!!!!! Got pretty good seats for £20. Popped out for dinner (not that I really needed it!) before hand then headed back to The Noel Coward Theatre for 8pm. The show was superbe and so funney; I had known the music for a while, but the show itself was something else - go see it!!!!! That done we saw Helen off at the station before Lou and I caught the bus to her place. Slept as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Tuesday
Lou was up and out reasonably early, and I was out not long afterwards to head for Kings Cross. Got there a bit early - just in time for a power-shortage in the main concourse, so had to listen out for the announcement of train times instead. Got on the train quickly then got a text from Helen to say that she was at KC too, so she popped up to say cheerio before she caught her train to Hull. The trip back was uneventful but I got some work done at least.
Got home, unpacked, showered, made a cake, did a clothes wash before heading up to Tim's for dinner at 7pm. Was a nice chilled-out evening and he's a lovely boy :)
Right, so that was probably a more detailed summery than either you or I was expecting. the trip was good fun, and I reckon that should work take me to London in the future then I think I could probably handle it. Truth be told I really rather liked it after the pace of Edinburgh. And I would be able to see a lot of my close friends who I miss a lot when I'm up here. It's something to consider anyway.
The next few days have in store: 2 deadlines, a hen party, lunch and coffee with various people, pool, pub quiz and possibly the farmers market - will see. Busy busy :)
Sunday, 6 April 2008
MP3 fun
Just rediscovered a band I listened to for a long time - ah, the joy of the 'random fill player' option for my MP3 player. I know I promised that there would be no more emotional crap here, but this isn't really - it just defines how I think relationships should be. This isn't a context specific post btw - just random 1.15am post.
'Til the Day that I Die - Easyworld
And the churches won't stretch up through tarmac,
Fly-overs
The city don't smell like they said in the brochure.
It's no longer surprising
When lovers and lawyers they lie.
But I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.
Well we've had our problems,
but hey hasn't everyone?
As soon as they've gone we'll just drag in another one.
I can see that you're sad
That you say there's, a lash in your eye.
And I'd gladly put up with your shit 'til the day that I die.
Yeah well.
I get the feeling I'm,
Just not cut out for this.
All strategies hidden agendas and politics.
If we can stand before
Legions of enemies, just you and I.
Then I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.
'Til the day that I die,
On the day that I die. ('til the day that I die)
(Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all, and
Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all.) x2
'Til the Day that I Die - Easyworld
And the churches won't stretch up through tarmac,
Fly-overs
The city don't smell like they said in the brochure.
It's no longer surprising
When lovers and lawyers they lie.
But I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.
Well we've had our problems,
but hey hasn't everyone?
As soon as they've gone we'll just drag in another one.
I can see that you're sad
That you say there's, a lash in your eye.
And I'd gladly put up with your shit 'til the day that I die.
Yeah well.
I get the feeling I'm,
Just not cut out for this.
All strategies hidden agendas and politics.
If we can stand before
Legions of enemies, just you and I.
Then I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.
'Til the day that I die,
On the day that I die. ('til the day that I die)
(Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all, and
Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all.) x2
Saturday, 5 April 2008
Ok, I'm sorry to anyone who has been reading my blog of late - it has been filled up with stupid emotional crap, and has failed to be in any way entertaining at all. Shall endevour only to write emotionally-relevant stuff in the future if it's important or funny. (well, I'll try). Was reading a blog recently that was almost completely based on this persons love life or lack therefore etc and I couldn't help but think - 'why would anyone want to read this?' and I really don't want that to be what mine is like. I have a diary for all the unnecesary emotional nonsense that has no place here.
Sorry for an inconveniance caused. ;)
Sorry for an inconveniance caused. ;)
Thursday, 3 April 2008
I hate my brain. No, I hate the bit of my brain that makes me think that something could be differant in one specific situation had I done something differantly. No, stupid bit of brain, no it couldn't. Deal with it cause the rest of the brain has and that's final.
But...but... NO! Goddam no! Get over it already.
*little bit of brain whimpers pitifully*
Think that bit of my brain that I just killed may have taken the last little bit of Romantic left in me with it. Meh. It only caused trouble anyway.
Common sense is a wonderful thing, but doesn't really make up for the lose of the bit of me that still actually believed in romance, that it was possible and not just a chemically induced delusion. I hate reality. It sucks.
But...but... NO! Goddam no! Get over it already.
*little bit of brain whimpers pitifully*
Think that bit of my brain that I just killed may have taken the last little bit of Romantic left in me with it. Meh. It only caused trouble anyway.
Common sense is a wonderful thing, but doesn't really make up for the lose of the bit of me that still actually believed in romance, that it was possible and not just a chemically induced delusion. I hate reality. It sucks.
Monday, 31 March 2008
Fnurp
Bored and could do with a hug - bit loney at the moment and feel kinda isolated in Edinburgh now. I really feel like I need to get out of here now and make a new start elsewhere - do something new somewhere else. I don't know. Just hit a bit of a low-swing and could do with being elsewhere for a while. Perhaps it's just work getting on top of me; I mean, it's not as if I don't have a lot going for me at the moment - course is going well, and I just got some very posative feedback from the conference, I'm seeing a couple of very nice guys, I'm generally in quite a positive place mentally. But for some reason I just don't feel like I belong here any more - I just feel like I'm waiting for something else to begin, like I'm stuck somewhere I don't really want to be anymore.
Friday, 28 March 2008
The Good, the not-so-bad, and the unsuprising
Starting with the good: went out to see a film with a nice young gentleman on Wednesday evening :) T'was fun and had a nice evening just chatting over a couple of beers. We're going out to dinner on Tuesday - looking forward to it!
Seeing another nice young man on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which should be interesting.
I'm really kinda weirded out by the whole dating thing - it seems quite alien to me in some respects because I've never done it before. The past few weeks have thrown me slightly; I spent most of my young-adult years as one of the geeky crowd (ie too interested in study to be of interest to guys), then I got to uni and was then in the same relationship for nearly 4 years, and now I've been asked out 4 times in the past week and a half :S Not complaining, but still getting used to it!
On the unsuprising front; didn't get the uni scholarship I went for, but will be reapplying through the ESRC in May - being posative :)
Seeing another nice young man on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which should be interesting.
I'm really kinda weirded out by the whole dating thing - it seems quite alien to me in some respects because I've never done it before. The past few weeks have thrown me slightly; I spent most of my young-adult years as one of the geeky crowd (ie too interested in study to be of interest to guys), then I got to uni and was then in the same relationship for nearly 4 years, and now I've been asked out 4 times in the past week and a half :S Not complaining, but still getting used to it!
On the unsuprising front; didn't get the uni scholarship I went for, but will be reapplying through the ESRC in May - being posative :)
Saturday, 22 March 2008
Misc.
Now that I've written the title I honestly cannot think what to write other than there was lots of it a moment ago and now it has all gone...hmmm....
Shall start and ramble from there:
Oh Gods. You know when you just start thinking about something, not seriously, but just playing about with an idea in your head and all of a sudden it starts looking like a really really good idea? Oh dear - I really hope this thought doesn't plan on hanging around cause it can only ever lead to trouble! And not the good kind either. Dammit. If I actually thought about my actions rather than rush headlong into things then do the thinking afterwards then I wouldn't find myself in this kind of quandry.
Shall start and ramble from there:
- The Conference: This happened last Monday (17th) and was a conference of the entire Postgraduate research department for Geosciences (GIS, HG, EEO, the lot basicly); the 'scientists' have held one every year, but this was the first time Human Geography had been invited to join in. It was a good idea, and a very enlightening experiance for all involved - possibly myself most of all! As a taught MSc student I am basicly the lowest of the low, and in reality I didn't have to present at all, but me being me I thought 'It'll be good experiance and will help highlight the weaknesses in my arguement (for my dissertation'. It was possibly the most stressful yet rewarding experiance of my life! All the angst and late nights for 20 minutes of rambling about theory. My presentation went better than I expected and I got some pretty positive feedback (this may have had something to do with my low-cut dress - doing the cause of Feminism a world of good...). I got so nervous before hand that I calmed myself down by helping set up the poster stands with Caroline (our postgrad secretary) just so I wasn't thinking about the presentation. When it actually got to the real deal I was fine; I just did what I'd do when about to go on stage - shoulders back, stomach in, and a deep breath. Works every time :)
- The Mikado: This happened the week prior to the conference. I agreed to FoH a couple of nights, and thoroughly enjoyed the show and just hanging out with Savoy again. Obviously after the break up with Chris I didn't think it was fair to continue with Savoy (at least for a while) cause it's really his thing rather than mine. All went well, except for the night that one of the chorus girls hurt her foot/leg falling down some steps and needed to be taken to A'n'E. That was a good week, and helped to put some stuff into perspective. Oh, and went and saw Juno - great film :) Didn't stop smiling for hours.
- I've been on a couple of date-type-things recently: they've been fun, but neither of the guys were anything like 'my type' (what ever that is) but it's still fun to chat to randoms from time to time. And have another on Wednesday :)
- I've booked my train tickets to London to visit the folks down at that end of the country - really really looking forward to it :)
- Teaching is going well - starting to really quite enjoy it! (No, I don't want to consider it as a career prospect, before you ask -too short tempered)
- Should probably be writing essay of doom right now rather than blogging, but cannot sum up the energy to care!
- Just remebered: Felt really bad about how I've behaved toward one of my lecturers. I've not been unpleasant or anything, but she scares the bejesus out of me cause she's really very intense and a bit brash. I only really discovered in a social setting that this is really because she's very insecure - she doesn't show it, she just over-compensates and doesn't vary her behaviour. Shall try and make an effort to be nice and try not to think that she thinks that I'm a bit dense (although that's how I feel around her).
- Something I did recently has been playing on my mind a fair bit, and I can't work out whether I've hurt someone I've not even met, and wouldn't wish ill to, just by being indirectly connected to them? It kinda sucks; but I guess the reality is that we all hurt people we don't know, and they'll never know it was us. I'm not even talking at an economic scale or anything; just the ways in which we shape other people and their behaviour and actions. I guess I was on the recieving end of that with D. Wow - that was a bit heavy.
- Things with D. are better now - still haven't hung out much but I'm ok now, and comfortable enough being around him with other people. The past few weeks have been stressfull and difficult in so many ways, but I think I've moved on.
Oh Gods. You know when you just start thinking about something, not seriously, but just playing about with an idea in your head and all of a sudden it starts looking like a really really good idea? Oh dear - I really hope this thought doesn't plan on hanging around cause it can only ever lead to trouble! And not the good kind either. Dammit. If I actually thought about my actions rather than rush headlong into things then do the thinking afterwards then I wouldn't find myself in this kind of quandry.
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Here we are again...
So, yet another weekend finds me in the Geography department computing labs, trying to ignore the loud little undergrads and not faff too much on Facebook. Seriously, much more chatter and I'm going to pin someone to the wall with something sharp and unpleasant! I kid not...
I'm doing last minute editing on my conference presentation - should have really finished it by now, but me being me, I have as usual left it to the last minute. The problem is that I really have no idea what they're expecting from me: the main criticism I got on my practise presentation was that I was pitching the theory a little high. Should really have done this ages ago, but c'est la vie.
I'm fairly nervous about Monday: I know I shouldn't be cause I do know my stuff, and it's meant to be a supportative environment, but I'm still feaking out! And I just cannot concentrate on work full stop - bah!
Considering going to watch the rugby with Maya and the guys at 5pm, but still not sure quite whether I'm going to deal with seeing D. yet. I think I'm mostly ok, and should be fine, but my hormones have a mind of their own, especially lately. Will go along and see - goodness knows I'll need a break from work at some point this evening, so may as well kill two birds with one stone.
Looking forward to meeting up with Rach tomorrow; it'll be a brief coffee as I'll be practising for Monday.
Oh Monday evening will be fun - post-conference celebrations combined with St Patrick's day! Woot!
I'm doing last minute editing on my conference presentation - should have really finished it by now, but me being me, I have as usual left it to the last minute. The problem is that I really have no idea what they're expecting from me: the main criticism I got on my practise presentation was that I was pitching the theory a little high. Should really have done this ages ago, but c'est la vie.
I'm fairly nervous about Monday: I know I shouldn't be cause I do know my stuff, and it's meant to be a supportative environment, but I'm still feaking out! And I just cannot concentrate on work full stop - bah!
Considering going to watch the rugby with Maya and the guys at 5pm, but still not sure quite whether I'm going to deal with seeing D. yet. I think I'm mostly ok, and should be fine, but my hormones have a mind of their own, especially lately. Will go along and see - goodness knows I'll need a break from work at some point this evening, so may as well kill two birds with one stone.
Looking forward to meeting up with Rach tomorrow; it'll be a brief coffee as I'll be practising for Monday.
Oh Monday evening will be fun - post-conference celebrations combined with St Patrick's day! Woot!
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Sunday, 9 March 2008
Bungee
This past week I might as well have been attached to a bungee-rope; I've been free-falling then bouncing back since last Sunday. I can't even tell how I'm going to be from one hour to the next. I'm distracted for hours on end, then I'm super-focused and positive, and then I can't see the point. I've had pretty bad mood-swings in the past, but I can't ever remember such a prolonged cycle, or with such marked highs and lows. I keep thinking that I'm ok and capable of dealing with anything, and then breaking down into a little heap on the floor because I can't find a specific cup. I haven't been able to sleep, I'm constantly cold and eating has been sporadic at best. This is just the worst possible timing for what-ever-this-is.
At least there have been positives as well as negatives, but it the going from the high to the low that's the bitch. I keep thinking that maybe it would be best if I went to see someone about this, but most of the time I just think that I'll be fine if I ignore it, or I just feel like I'm acting like an idiot. The problem is that if I see someone, then the chances are I'll be prescribed stuff, and that's a route I'm just not willing to go down.
Ideally, I'd just like to get back to some sort of stable level, be that good or bad, and then I can work from there rather than not knowing how I'm going to be ten minutes from now.
At least there have been positives as well as negatives, but it the going from the high to the low that's the bitch. I keep thinking that maybe it would be best if I went to see someone about this, but most of the time I just think that I'll be fine if I ignore it, or I just feel like I'm acting like an idiot. The problem is that if I see someone, then the chances are I'll be prescribed stuff, and that's a route I'm just not willing to go down.
Ideally, I'd just like to get back to some sort of stable level, be that good or bad, and then I can work from there rather than not knowing how I'm going to be ten minutes from now.
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Positive, capital P.
The past few days have been pretty stressful really. I decided, for some unknown reason, that clearly I didn't have enough to do (why oh why!) so decided to submit a last-minute PhD application for funding. I've written it, and it's pretty much ready to go - deadline being tomorrow at 4pm. I'm quite enthused about the topic I've chosen, and the research proposal sounds ok, so I'll see how it goes. I fully expect to be turned down for this round of funding awards, but at least it gives me time to rewrite and tailor the research proposal in time for the ESRC funding competitions in May. I'm not the only one who decided to do it either, which is good anyway. Besides, as soon as it's out of my hands, then that is that. Now I can get some sleep again and concentrate on stuff that really counts atm!
Sunday, 2 March 2008
03:50
I'm awake and I don't want to be, but I can't sleep. The inevitable happened this evening, and although I've seen it coming for over a month now it doesn't stop the hurt. Everything feels raw. 90% of me is upset and confused and blaming myself that it happened, but fortunately the 10% that actually counts is keeping a lid on it. I can't afford to think about it, it just makes things seem worse. I'm a big girl and I can handle this - but this is new territory for me and I don't know the way. I just can't help but think how unfair it is; this isn't my fault, it's the result of someone else being honest about how they feel and I'm just the recipiant of the upshot. Gods - it's so ironic that I've been reading Rebecca these past few days.
I feel numb, and raw, hurt, and tired. I know that this is better for me, and I won't waste time wondering if he might choose to remember my existance today or not; I won't be wasting my time on someone who can't make it worth it.
It's 04:02 now, and I don't feel any more like sleeping. I could do some work - just not bother going back to sleep (even if it were possible)- but I can already see the huge bags under my eyes, and I know I need to tutor later, so I can't afford to stay up really. That's me - always the one to consider other people's interests before my own, always the one to try and see both sides of the story. I'm just not set-up in such a way as to be able to lash-out or make someone truely suffer; instead I internalise every problem/slight/hurt and put on a brave face and try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I'm always the one who is there when others get hurt, and they never see that I'm hurting too.
I had a good cry when I got back, and I think that's why I managed to get any sleep at all, but I'm all cryed-out now, and I'm all-too awake.
Tried listening to music earlier, but my MP3 player kept coming up with such ironic hits as : Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
My Lover's Gone - Dido
and, I'm not That Girl - from Wicked
someone, somewhere, thinks they're being very funny. Need to fill my player with upbeat stuff if I'm to avoid randomly breaking down on my way to the office.
So, in conclusion: if you are reading this (you know who you are) you'll understand what I mean when I say "May you live forever".
I feel numb, and raw, hurt, and tired. I know that this is better for me, and I won't waste time wondering if he might choose to remember my existance today or not; I won't be wasting my time on someone who can't make it worth it.
It's 04:02 now, and I don't feel any more like sleeping. I could do some work - just not bother going back to sleep (even if it were possible)- but I can already see the huge bags under my eyes, and I know I need to tutor later, so I can't afford to stay up really. That's me - always the one to consider other people's interests before my own, always the one to try and see both sides of the story. I'm just not set-up in such a way as to be able to lash-out or make someone truely suffer; instead I internalise every problem/slight/hurt and put on a brave face and try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I'm always the one who is there when others get hurt, and they never see that I'm hurting too.
I had a good cry when I got back, and I think that's why I managed to get any sleep at all, but I'm all cryed-out now, and I'm all-too awake.
Tried listening to music earlier, but my MP3 player kept coming up with such ironic hits as : Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
My Lover's Gone - Dido
and, I'm not That Girl - from Wicked
someone, somewhere, thinks they're being very funny. Need to fill my player with upbeat stuff if I'm to avoid randomly breaking down on my way to the office.
So, in conclusion: if you are reading this (you know who you are) you'll understand what I mean when I say "May you live forever".
Saturday, 1 March 2008
Friday, 29 February 2008
End of the week
The past few days have ranged from the bloody brilliant to the truely bizzare.
1) I found out that a friend got married last Saturday, but is keeping the whole thing quite (so shalln't even hint who it is) but I'm looking forward to meeting their new spouse soon
2) A friend from high school is to be a mother in September!
3) The Scottish government has abolished graduate endowment fees for Scottish students :D Bloody delighted that I'm not going to be a further £2000 in debt!
4) The Regent Language School in Edinburgh, where they found the radioactive material the other day, was one of the places I applied to last Summer for a job, and they had actually offered me a job, but I turned them down.
yeah, so that's a few things which have kept me on my toes the past few days!
1) I found out that a friend got married last Saturday, but is keeping the whole thing quite (so shalln't even hint who it is) but I'm looking forward to meeting their new spouse soon
2) A friend from high school is to be a mother in September!
3) The Scottish government has abolished graduate endowment fees for Scottish students :D Bloody delighted that I'm not going to be a further £2000 in debt!
4) The Regent Language School in Edinburgh, where they found the radioactive material the other day, was one of the places I applied to last Summer for a job, and they had actually offered me a job, but I turned them down.
yeah, so that's a few things which have kept me on my toes the past few days!
Friday, 22 February 2008
Panic! (Unfortunately, not at the disco)
I've been looking at my schedual for the next few weeks and am really bloody nervous now!
4th March - submit draft confrence presentation for supervisor's feedback
5th March - submit confrence presentation abstract for the programme
6th March - Submit outline for 5,000 word essay
10th March - practise run-through of presentation with other postgrads
17th March - Presentation day! Arg! Also known as Armagedon
25th March - 2,500 word essay and 5,000 word essay due
then a bit of a gap...
21st April - Submit 2,500 word essay
And other various activities around this time include: The Mikado, a trip of London (hopefully), continue with dissertation work, there's an exam at some point in May, a confrence in Leeds, a social life.
ARG!
4th March - submit draft confrence presentation for supervisor's feedback
5th March - submit confrence presentation abstract for the programme
6th March - Submit outline for 5,000 word essay
10th March - practise run-through of presentation with other postgrads
17th March - Presentation day! Arg! Also known as Armagedon
25th March - 2,500 word essay and 5,000 word essay due
then a bit of a gap...
21st April - Submit 2,500 word essay
And other various activities around this time include: The Mikado, a trip of London (hopefully), continue with dissertation work, there's an exam at some point in May, a confrence in Leeds, a social life.
ARG!
Monday, 18 February 2008
Spring is here!
I only just noticed that it's coming up for dinner time and it's still light outside! Huzzah! Goodbye winter :)
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Monday, 11 February 2008
:)
Hehe - smiling quite a lot now. Should work now, but brain is now occupied by trying to dredge up a certain memory which I am told exists but I cannot at the moment remember (dammit!) Ok, shall actually do some work now. Looking forward to The Mikado now :)
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Monday, 4 February 2008
Mmmm, coffee...
Coffee is now my bestest friend ever :) I've decided to give up carbonated soft drinks for Lent: I realise that I drink far too much Diet Coke and I don't even think about it when I buy a can or glass. So, this is partly a test to see if I can give up DC, but also part of a wider project: considering my consumerism. I'm increasingly aware of the fact that I tend to buy consumer products, generally food-stuff, without too much thought about why I buy specific goods. This may sound very introspective and a bit angsty, but it's an upshot of the academic side of my life: in my work I am forced to consider questions of lifestyle, especially in my dissertation where I will be exploroing the impact of the media upon the spreading of an environmental ethos through retail. This was brought to mind specifically through the impact upon sales at Lush while I worked there and the TV programme 'How Toxic are You?': I was suprised by how many people came in an asked 'Does this product have X,Y or Z in it? I don't want products with these chemicals in because I've heard that they are bad for you.' I'm not just talking one or two people either, there were dozens! So, I wondered how this might be applied to an environmental agenda in a similar context: ie cosmetic retail. We can see the effects on the animal testing market since the 1980s, but can this be applied to the environmental project? I would argue that it can, but I don't have time atm to discuss it - shall do it next time I update I guess.
In other news: I applied to The Edinburgh Group recently. This is a student society in the lines of The Berkley Group, where students are trained as consultants pro bono for not-for-profit groups. I have a meeting this afternoon. I'm not sure whether anything I know or can do will be of any good, but if so then I'm glad to be doing something to benefit others which takes advantage of my abilities, plus it's interesting from a social-justice perspective.
Am holding a pancake party tomorrow - yum :)
Have to nominate my supervisor for my dissertation by Wednesday - eep!
Went and saw Cloverfield the otherday - was very very cool and extreemly original.
Later:
Had my meeting with the TEG people: it went well I think :) Shall hopefully be getting a call tomorrow afternoon. And also have a reply from a tutoring job I applied for :) Have a meeting tomorrow at 3pm! Woot! Which means that I potentially have a job again - and paid at £11 p/h which is rather nice. If I get it I'll be tutoring a 16 year old for his/her Higher Geography exam in May, and it will be around 3-4hrs per week, which suits me perfectly.
In other news: I applied to The Edinburgh Group recently. This is a student society in the lines of The Berkley Group, where students are trained as consultants pro bono for not-for-profit groups. I have a meeting this afternoon. I'm not sure whether anything I know or can do will be of any good, but if so then I'm glad to be doing something to benefit others which takes advantage of my abilities, plus it's interesting from a social-justice perspective.
Am holding a pancake party tomorrow - yum :)
Have to nominate my supervisor for my dissertation by Wednesday - eep!
Went and saw Cloverfield the otherday - was very very cool and extreemly original.
Later:
Had my meeting with the TEG people: it went well I think :) Shall hopefully be getting a call tomorrow afternoon. And also have a reply from a tutoring job I applied for :) Have a meeting tomorrow at 3pm! Woot! Which means that I potentially have a job again - and paid at £11 p/h which is rather nice. If I get it I'll be tutoring a 16 year old for his/her Higher Geography exam in May, and it will be around 3-4hrs per week, which suits me perfectly.
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