Faith

This may get a bit rambly in places, just so you know (having said that, if you've read any of my posts before then you will already have anticipated this).

I had a conversation with Tim a few weeks ago about faith. I am a Christian; not a very good one, I'll admit - I probably commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on a daily basis. I am what would be termed a Liberal Christian; my basic rule for life is "Do as you would be done by" - and I don't always manage to follow that rule particularly well! Tim on the other hand is an Aetheist, verging on Antitheist.

I'm not entirely sure how we got onto the topic of belief/faith, but we did. The discussion more or less ended up with me acknowledging the logic of the Aetheist argument (and I do follow it and will admit that it makes perfect sense) but still certain that there is something more to this life than a random fluck of cosmic parking! Just the thought of there not being a God, just thinking it, really upset me - I was in tears.

It wasn't Tim's fault by any means; we were simply having a debate from our two respective viewpoints. I'm not prone to crying - I don't like people seeing me when I'm upset, so I tend to just make a joke or hide it. But this time I honestly couldn't help it; I cried. The idea that there is nothing beyond this is fundamentally terrifying. At the time the only two routes I could logically see were; 1) accept that This Is It, or 2) be a better Christian (and I am talking fundamental here).

The problem with 1) is that were I to accept this then I could go one of two ways: a) become a complete nihlist and stop caring about anything or anyone because nothing matters at all, or
b) acknowledge that my time here is fleeting and that the only thing I can do is make my time as good as possible and do as much good as possible.

The problem with 2) is that I don't agree with everything in the Bible - I think that there is a lot wrong with it as a guide for life. A lot of it I do agree with, but so much of it is really just 'common sense' stuff for the creation of a harmonious society. And I posatively hate all these people who stand behind a mask of faith and use the teachings of the bible to their own ends - I couldn't stand to be counted as one of that number, even if I wasn't but was assosiated with those people by others.

So where does this leave me? Well, much in the same position as where I started I guess: Christian/Agnostic. Agnostisism is a bit of a cop-out in my mind, but unfortunately it is the position I find myself in: I don't know what's going on but I have a little too much cynacism for blind faith.

Ultimately, I think I can believe precisely what I want to believe as long as it doesn't affect the rights and freedoms of anyone else, and if I choose to believe in God but it turns out that God doesn't exist then who am I hurting? As long as I do what I believe to be right, and follow my conscience, then I don't think I can go too far wrong. A huge number of people have said what I have just said, and far more eloquently (no doubt with better spelling, grammer, structure and punctuation).

No fear: I'm not about to launch into a massive "What does it all mean? Why are we here?" schpiel: I think I have been quite emo enough for one evening!

Stuff

I'm back home for the weekend. Dog-sitting for the parents while they are away at a wedding up North. Holly, our black Labrador, is senile, deaf, incontenant and virtually immobile; she spends 90% of her day sleeping and the rest of it eating and dumping, or following me around and staring into space. Unfortunately she also has a tendancy to fall down the stairs these days, which is worrying. Anyway, so I'm back down here until Monday, all on my lonesom. On the plus side I have peace and quiet to get on with work, which is always a good thing.

I'm missing the Graduate Ball again this year. Didn't go last year because I didn't see the point; I didn't know all that many people in my year who were going so I didn't see the point. And this year I'm not going because I don't graduate until December, which sucks a bit really. I guess it has become something of an unofficial tradition: I didn't go to the Freshers Ball, my first graduateion, so it makes sense that I shouldn't attend my second graduate ball. But I am quite sad to be missing the fun.

I heard back from the Scottish Government EU job - I didn't get called for an interview, which sucked, but I wasn't suprised really. Although I put as much into the application as possible, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be their first choice of candidate. It was a long-shot to begin with, but I was still disappointed. Lesson being: don't get your hopes up over a long-shot, because chances are that no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you know you would put into it, it does matter cause you're not in control. I hate not being in control and being aimless. Says a lot about me and my life really!

Have been writing a bit again recently, which is good: I have been trying out a few new genres - trying to mix genres more than I have before. I have realised just how much I limit myself in terms of style when there are so many options open to me! Still fairly enamoured of short-story writing. I have a feeling that this is more to with my lack of patience, which is something I need to work on - is it wrong just to want to get into the heart of the story without too much characterisation and scene-setting?

Grr.

I am tired of these stupid passive-aggressive little jibes that are being made at my expense. Sick of it. Seriously. I don't mind a joke, or a joke being made at my expense occassionally, but people poking fun at a weakness is a step too far. I know that it's not exactly important, or even a real weakness, but it still makes me feel stupid when people pick up on it. And I feel pretty stupid most of the time anyway, which doesn't help.

I'm feeling insecure at the moment and could do with not being made to feel like an idiot by some of my friends. Yeah, for the most part I've always been very good at hiding how I feel and ignoring it when people are insensative; but now I have had it up to here. Next tosser who pisses me off is getting a slap.

Ok, perhaps being a bit oversensative, but I have as much right as anyone to be annoyed.

Update-type-post

Not a huge amount to say, but the stuff I do have to say is reasonably important I guess.
Firstly, I sent off the application for the Scottish Government EU Office Internship yesterday. I'm really quite excited about this role; I'd be working in Scotland House in Brussels for 11 months (paid, fortunately) and it would be excellant training for an Government job in the future. I really hope that I at least get through to the interview stage - I would be pretty dissapointed if I didn't, considering the amount of work that I put into the application! The deadline was today, so I hope to hear back in 2 weeks - 1 month. May have to re-learn French for the job - oh la la!
Secondly, probably not all that important, I've ordered a new laptop which will (hopefully) arrive tomorrow. I look forward to having a comp which will take less than 20 minutes to boot up in the morning, and hopefully won't die any time I download articles from Jstore. And most of all, it won't die while I'm writing this damn dissertation.
Thirdly, I've decided to work from home for the next 11 weeks (i.e. until the dissertation deadline). Hopefully it will be less distracting than the office. I cleared my desk space on Sunday and lugged everything home (ouch!); I'm quite sad to have left, obviously, because it feels like the begining of the end of my academic career (at least for now, anyway) and the start of a real life. Oh well, it's for the best I reckon.

Other:
Spoke to Eva the other day about her wedding: she sounds really happy and I look forward to catching up with her soon.
Went to see The Incrediable Hulk the other day - weak at best. Not dreadful and cringeworthy as it did have it's moments, but still below par.
The Fringe Guide is out at last - woop woop!
The girls are away atm - quite lonely :(
My window sill has now been taken over by plants! :D Tomatoes, chillies and basil.

Lastly, a problem:
I'm in a bit of a quandry. There's something I really want to know, but I don't know whether it would actually be to my benefit or detriment to know. What I do know is that I definately cannot ask the question to the person concerned because it's none of my business. Sucks. And, quite honestly, knowing may well involve wishing that I didn't. So, do I just wait for them to say something (which they might never do), or do I ask a question to which I have no right to know the answer? Bah.

Nostalga and reflections

Probably going to do exactly what it says in the title.

This bout of reflectivness is brought about by various events of the past couple of days. The first of these events was being informed that one of my best friends from school was now married. I knew she was engaged, and I was at her engagment party in Jabuary, but I thought she wasn't planning on getting hitched until October - seems I was wrong. Well, I was only partially wrong: She and her now-husband only decided three weeks ago that they were going to go ahead and get married asap (I should perhaps explain that they were in America at this point and he is an American citizen), so three weeks later they were. They only informed their parents and sorta-kinda eloped. I'm glad that they are so posative that this is what they wanted to do, and I suspect that it had been on their minds for a while - it just came as a suprise when checking Facebook to find that Eva had updated her status to "Eva is married - officially!!!". It's really very telling of our generation - lol!

Maybe I'm so freaked out because I don't really think of myself as an adult or as being in anyway mature enough to make that sort of decision. Eva and I are both only 22. Is it just me, or does everyone still feel like a kid at this age? I mean, it's only 5 years since I left highschool! Looking through my books the other day I came across a copy of Persuasion that I was given by my AH English teacher in sixth year - the inscription on the fly-leaf is dated 07/05/03. Over 5 years ago. And yet, sitting here at home, it could have been yesterday. It think that it is perhaps the time of year: I love this time of year at home; twilight is lingering, mist settles in bringing a damp chill to the air, everything become muted, blackbirds and robins call out from all around, lending a last vibrancy to an otherwise melecholy landscape. I went around the National Gallery of Scotland today and saw several pictures of the Borders: they were all picturesque in the style of the Romantics, but terribly unrepresentative. Nothing in the style or mood of the images made me think in anyway of my home. Admittedly my taste in landscape turns more towards appreciation of the sublime or the melencholy-picturesque rather than the idylic. Anyway, back to the point: I always feel younger at home - perhaps everyone does - and sitting here, right now, I don't think that at this age that I am in any way capable of making that decision. Hell, there are days where I can barely decide what CD to put on while I working, let alone knowing whether I'm capable of being with someone for the rest of my life!

Which leads me neatly into my next point: how does anyone know whether the person they're with (etc etc) is a person they would be capable of spending their life with? Ok, clearly there will be attraction for whatever reason and you get to know the person in question over a period of time, but frankly, even when you think you know the person completely: how do you know that they are 'the one'? (Aside: I don't think that there is any such thing as 'the one' - it sounds like romantic BS with no basis). There are no thunder-claps or choirs of angels to highlight the fact, so we have to go with intuition. This is the point at which I get very nervous: humans are faliable - none of us make perfect decisions which will please everyone all the time, it's impossible - so is it a case of making the best of a situation or a least-worst-choice? I hate the mere thought of there being 'one perfect person for everyone' - it's a load of bollocks - but if you are going to spend you're life with someone then you want it to be that 'perfect person' otherwise, what's the point? So when a couple make the decision to marry are they hoping that this is the right person for them or are they compromising and making the most of it? Sorry, I'm not terribly romantic - I'd like to think that romance still has some place in my world, but quite frankly I'm not sure it does. My conclusion is that it must be a case of meet someone you like and can stand to be around for long periods of time (who also likes you preferably) and make the best of it and honour those comitments should someone "better" make an apperance in your life (ye gods - how wanky did that sound?!).

Sorry, this has become a very convoluted and irrelevant post which bears little resembalance to the original title. Please bear with my rambling train of thoughts until it reaches it's terminus or become completely derailed.

Ok, the second reflection-inducing event of the past couple of days: yet another graduation approaches. This year it's Maya's turn and she's moving back home to Wales tomorrow. We've been best friends for nearly 5 years now - which is a scarey thought in it's own right - throughout the highs, lows, tears and hysterics, we've always been very close. And now (in terms of physical distance) that's about to change. Edinburgh's going to be a very differant place for however long I remain there. In many respects, it was the same last year - me staying when a lot of my friends left for pastures new - I missed Doug especially as we hadn't really been apart since birth. And, in turn, I've made new friends, and many situations and relationships have changed in the space of that year: what I have come to realise is that as I remain in the city this will continue to happen and it cannot be avoided. Not that it should be avoided - it is an important part of growth. It can be upsetting, but these wouldn't be real friendships if I wasn't emotionally affected in some way.

Oh god - I'm aware that I have rambled terribly, so will keep the rest short and sweet (promise):
1) Am home atm for the Wellfield House open garden for MacMillan: will be helping on the plant stall.
2) Had Maya's farewell bbq last night - t'was fun.
3) Started the new job - first shift went very well :)
4) I'm extremely tired.
5) I need a smack around the head for being emo (not just in relation to anything I've mentioned in this note - may get around to writing about this at a later date, but right now it's probably not a good idea).

Gubbins

Saw Sex and the City - t'was reasonably entertaining and not completely rubbish, so I count that as a win.

Got the first of my course results back - 69%, which is ok, but not as good as I had hoped for that course.

Got a new p/t job conducting customer satisfaction inverviews outside galleries and museums around the city - pays quite well and is flexiable.

Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter recently - t'was quite good fun :)

Have found a really interesting internship to apply for in the Scottish Government EU office :D Sounds very exciting.

Got a rejection letter this morning for the Senior Researcher position I applied for at the Scottish Government: not suprised really. Hope I get an invite for the Research Officer position - fingers crossed.

Finished fieldwork at last.

Watched Manos: The Hands of Fate last night! Oh ye gods! It's was truely dreadful to such an extent that it made Boa vs. Python (which we watched next) look good! That's a very telling sign.

We won the pub quiz last Thursday for the first time in ages :D Woot!

Pete left for Romania on Friday. Giving Mum directions out to the airport was a nightmare, but we managed to stop shouting at eachother by the time we reached the terminal.