Fnurp

Bored and could do with a hug - bit loney at the moment and feel kinda isolated in Edinburgh now. I really feel like I need to get out of here now and make a new start elsewhere - do something new somewhere else. I don't know. Just hit a bit of a low-swing and could do with being elsewhere for a while. Perhaps it's just work getting on top of me; I mean, it's not as if I don't have a lot going for me at the moment - course is going well, and I just got some very posative feedback from the conference, I'm seeing a couple of very nice guys, I'm generally in quite a positive place mentally. But for some reason I just don't feel like I belong here any more - I just feel like I'm waiting for something else to begin, like I'm stuck somewhere I don't really want to be anymore.

The Good, the not-so-bad, and the unsuprising

Starting with the good: went out to see a film with a nice young gentleman on Wednesday evening :) T'was fun and had a nice evening just chatting over a couple of beers. We're going out to dinner on Tuesday - looking forward to it!
Seeing another nice young man on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which should be interesting.
I'm really kinda weirded out by the whole dating thing - it seems quite alien to me in some respects because I've never done it before. The past few weeks have thrown me slightly; I spent most of my young-adult years as one of the geeky crowd (ie too interested in study to be of interest to guys), then I got to uni and was then in the same relationship for nearly 4 years, and now I've been asked out 4 times in the past week and a half :S Not complaining, but still getting used to it!
On the unsuprising front; didn't get the uni scholarship I went for, but will be reapplying through the ESRC in May - being posative :)

Misc.

Now that I've written the title I honestly cannot think what to write other than there was lots of it a moment ago and now it has all gone...hmmm....
Shall start and ramble from there:

1. The Conference: This happened last Monday (17th) and was a conference of the entire Postgraduate research department for Geosciences (GIS, HG, EEO, the lot basicly); the 'scientists' have held one every year, but this was the first time Human Geography had been invited to join in. It was a good idea, and a very enlightening experiance for all involved - possibly myself most of all! As a taught MSc student I am basicly the lowest of the low, and in reality I didn't have to present at all, but me being me I thought 'It'll be good experiance and will help highlight the weaknesses in my arguement (for my dissertation'. It was possibly the most stressful yet rewarding experiance of my life! All the angst and late nights for 20 minutes of rambling about theory. My presentation went better than I expected and I got some pretty positive feedback (this may have had something to do with my low-cut dress - doing the cause of Feminism a world of good...). I got so nervous before hand that I calmed myself down by helping set up the poster stands with Caroline (our postgrad secretary) just so I wasn't thinking about the presentation. When it actually got to the real deal I was fine; I just did what I'd do when about to go on stage - shoulders back, stomach in, and a deep breath. Works every time :)
   
2. The Mikado: This happened the week prior to the conference. I agreed to FoH a couple of nights, and thoroughly enjoyed the show and just hanging out with Savoy again. Obviously after the break up with Chris I didn't think it was fair to continue with Savoy (at least for a while) cause it's really his thing rather than mine. All went well, except for the night that one of the chorus girls hurt her foot/leg falling down some steps and needed to be taken to A'n'E. That was a good week, and helped to put some stuff into perspective. Oh, and went and saw Juno - great film :) Didn't stop smiling for hours.
3. I've been on a couple of date-type-things recently: they've been fun, but neither of the guys were anything like 'my type' (what ever that is) but it's still fun to chat to randoms from time to time. And have another on Wednesday :)
   
4. I've booked my train tickets to London to visit the folks down at that end of the country - really really looking forward to it :)
5. Teaching is going well - starting to really quite enjoy it! (No, I don't want to consider it as a career prospect, before you ask -too short tempered)
6. Should probably be writing essay of doom right now rather than blogging, but cannot sum up the energy to care!

Right, I'll probably remember more stuff in the near future - shall update when I do.

1. Just remebered: Felt really bad about how I've behaved toward one of my lecturers. I've not been unpleasant or anything, but she scares the bejesus out of me cause she's really very intense and a bit brash. I only really discovered in a social setting that this is really because she's very insecure - she doesn't show it, she just over-compensates and doesn't vary her behaviour. Shall try and make an effort to be nice and try not to think that she thinks that I'm a bit dense (although that's how I feel around her).
2. Something I did recently has been playing on my mind a fair bit, and I can't work out whether I've hurt someone I've not even met, and wouldn't wish ill to, just by being indirectly connected to them? It kinda sucks; but I guess the reality is that we all hurt people we don't know, and they'll never know it was us. I'm not even talking at an economic scale or anything; just the ways in which we shape other people and their behaviour and actions. I guess I was on the recieving end of that with D. Wow - that was a bit heavy.
3. Things with D. are better now - still haven't hung out much but I'm ok now, and comfortable enough being around him with other people. The past few weeks have been stressfull and difficult in so many ways, but I think I've moved on.

Later:
Oh Gods. You know when you just start thinking about something, not seriously, but just playing about with an idea in your head and all of a sudden it starts looking like a really really good idea? Oh dear - I really hope this thought doesn't plan on hanging around cause it can only ever lead to trouble! And not the good kind either. Dammit. If I actually thought about my actions rather than rush headlong into things then do the thinking afterwards then I wouldn't find myself in this kind of quandry.

Here we are again...

So, yet another weekend finds me in the Geography department computing labs, trying to ignore the loud little undergrads and not faff too much on Facebook. Seriously, much more chatter and I'm going to pin someone to the wall with something sharp and unpleasant! I kid not...
I'm doing last minute editing on my conference presentation - should have really finished it by now, but me being me, I have as usual left it to the last minute. The problem is that I really have no idea what they're expecting from me: the main criticism I got on my practise presentation was that I was pitching the theory a little high. Should really have done this ages ago, but c'est la vie.
I'm fairly nervous about Monday: I know I shouldn't be cause I do know my stuff, and it's meant to be a supportative environment, but I'm still feaking out! And I just cannot concentrate on work full stop - bah!
Considering going to watch the rugby with Maya and the guys at 5pm, but still not sure quite whether I'm going to deal with seeing D. yet. I think I'm mostly ok, and should be fine, but my hormones have a mind of their own, especially lately. Will go along and see - goodness knows I'll need a break from work at some point this evening, so may as well kill two birds with one stone.
Looking forward to meeting up with Rach tomorrow; it'll be a brief coffee as I'll be practising for Monday.
Oh Monday evening will be fun - post-conference celebrations combined with St Patrick's day! Woot!

:)

Hehe ;)

Bungee

This past week I might as well have been attached to a bungee-rope; I've been free-falling then bouncing back since last Sunday. I can't even tell how I'm going to be from one hour to the next. I'm distracted for hours on end, then I'm super-focused and positive, and then I can't see the point. I've had pretty bad mood-swings in the past, but I can't ever remember such a prolonged cycle, or with such marked highs and lows. I keep thinking that I'm ok and capable of dealing with anything, and then breaking down into a little heap on the floor because I can't find a specific cup. I haven't been able to sleep, I'm constantly cold and eating has been sporadic at best. This is just the worst possible timing for what-ever-this-is.
At least there have been positives as well as negatives, but it the going from the high to the low that's the bitch. I keep thinking that maybe it would be best if I went to see someone about this, but most of the time I just think that I'll be fine if I ignore it, or I just feel like I'm acting like an idiot. The problem is that if I see someone, then the chances are I'll be prescribed stuff, and that's a route I'm just not willing to go down.
Ideally, I'd just like to get back to some sort of stable level, be that good or bad, and then I can work from there rather than not knowing how I'm going to be ten minutes from now.

Positive, capital P.

The past few days have been pretty stressful really. I decided, for some unknown reason, that clearly I didn't have enough to do (why oh why!) so decided to submit a last-minute PhD application for funding. I've written it, and it's pretty much ready to go - deadline being tomorrow at 4pm. I'm quite enthused about the topic I've chosen, and the research proposal sounds ok, so I'll see how it goes. I fully expect to be turned down for this round of funding awards, but at least it gives me time to rewrite and tailor the research proposal in time for the ESRC funding competitions in May. I'm not the only one who decided to do it either, which is good anyway. Besides, as soon as it's out of my hands, then that is that. Now I can get some sleep again and concentrate on stuff that really counts atm!

03:50

I'm awake and I don't want to be, but I can't sleep. The inevitable happened this evening, and although I've seen it coming for over a month now it doesn't stop the hurt. Everything feels raw. 90% of me is upset and confused and blaming myself that it happened, but fortunately the 10% that actually counts is keeping a lid on it. I can't afford to think about it, it just makes things seem worse. I'm a big girl and I can handle this - but this is new territory for me and I don't know the way. I just can't help but think how unfair it is; this isn't my fault, it's the result of someone else being honest about how they feel and I'm just the recipiant of the upshot. Gods - it's so ironic that I've been reading Rebecca these past few days.
I feel numb, and raw, hurt, and tired. I know that this is better for me, and I won't waste time wondering if he might choose to remember my existance today or not; I won't be wasting my time on someone who can't make it worth it.
It's 04:02 now, and I don't feel any more like sleeping. I could do some work - just not bother going back to sleep (even if it were possible)- but I can already see the huge bags under my eyes, and I know I need to tutor later, so I can't afford to stay up really. That's me - always the one to consider other people's interests before my own, always the one to try and see both sides of the story. I'm just not set-up in such a way as to be able to lash-out or make someone truely suffer; instead I internalise every problem/slight/hurt and put on a brave face and try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I'm always the one who is there when others get hurt, and they never see that I'm hurting too.
I had a good cry when I got back, and I think that's why I managed to get any sleep at all, but I'm all cryed-out now, and I'm all-too awake.
Tried listening to music earlier, but my MP3 player kept coming up with such ironic hits as : Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
My Lover's Gone - Dido
and, I'm not That Girl - from Wicked
someone, somewhere, thinks they're being very funny. Need to fill my player with upbeat stuff if I'm to avoid randomly breaking down on my way to the office.
So, in conclusion: if you are reading this (you know who you are) you'll understand what I mean when I say "May you live forever".

Cuteness

http://www.xkcd.com/150/

*awwwww*