Right, time to just get on with it!

I've done the panic about my future, never going to be employed, getting left behind etc, and now I'm ready to get on with applications and interviews. I will probably get a huge number of rejections and it's going to be difficult to remain positive, but I'm determined to do the best I possibly can.

Speaking of just getting on with it, I wish certain people would start standing up for themselves, perhaps even get some balls: i'm a bit sick of the whinging "oh, woe is me!" attitude. Learn to be a bit of a bastard and you'll go far, cause if you don't you'll end up with nothing: 100% nice people rarely get what they want.

Wibble!

I had my first non-heights related panic attack in months this afternoon :( The future's unclear and very scary. I think this was mostly brought on by the fact that I was turned down for a position which I thought I was a shoe-in for - it's just one of those moments where you come to question your overall validity as a human being. I'm begining to wish that I had chosen a degree with more practical skills, like business or languages. I know everyone jokes about MAs being rather useless, but I'm starting to agree. I just wish that I could talk to my family and friends about it honestly, but I just keep bluffing on as if all was fine, and what's even worse is that they believe me - I'm setting myself up for a very big fall, I know, but I'm still going to be suprised when it happens because I have become very good at fooling myself into thinking that 'everything will be ok because it's always ok and it has to be ok'.

Running away and living as a hermit sounds so attractive right now.

And out the other side...

Here I am at the other side of university education - slightly terrifying just how quickly it's gone. What I've come out understanding is that I'm more uncertain and more ignorant that I was when I went in: when I began I had certain understandings and beliefs which I felt to be unshakable, but now there are no certainties and a much bigger world to have no certainties in. I get the impression that the further one investigates a topic, the fewer absolutes there are and the deeper the mire one can get lost in. What am I getting myself into?

The end of my undergraduate degree and musings on working life in Scotland

I will be finished with academic exams FOREVER in less than 48 hours! Huzzah!

And at the same time I must say that the prospect of not having my year devided into pieces by exams is unsettling, because it also signals the end of long Christmas and Summer holidays (ok, so they haven't really been 'holidays' for quite some time because I've always worked, academically or otherwise). Even if I get the MSc place, it's going to be much more like a job than my undergrad has ever been - or at least that how I intend to treat it (God willing), so there will be regularised hours and no/little working from home, and (again) no holidays as such.

I've thought for quite some time now that the way the holiday system is organised in schools and at Uni has trained us to look forward to long, lazy holidays, and when we leave academia it comes as a rather rude awakening to realise that we might get 2 - 3 weeks off per year tops, most of which we will be obliged to spend with our family for the forseeable future.

With that being the case, it's little wonder to me that mental health in Britain is as poor as it is, and that we suffer sever burn-out and stress - far more so than most other European countries: we work long hours for a wage which has a generally decreasing value to service ridiculous mortgages on houses which don't justify their cost because we feel compelled by current social trends to 'get on the property ladder'.

I get the impression that the British public would benefit, in terms of mental health and stress reduction, from a more relaxed attitude to work as is generally prevelant in Europe - perhaps an enforced 'lunch-hour' rather than the sandwich-at-the-desk approach which seems to dominate attitudes toward breaks. On adverage, Scottish empolyees take 20 minutes off for lunch (if indeed that much) and another 15 minute break per day - all of roughly 40 minutes in an 8 - 10 hour day: is it any wonder that so many sick-days are taken? In general, I think that British industry could be as productive, if not more-so, if employees were activly encouraged to use their breaks: eat then go for a quick walk, sit in the sunshine, read a book, do something physically active - it has been proven that people are more productive if they take regular exercise, it clears the mind and releases endorphins, and can do wonders for individual confidence. These benefits are just not avaliable if employees simply stay at the desk or go for a quick cigarette break. It's just like it was in school, in fact: we were given regular breaks and space to relax, and on the whole people were more productive, willing to work and positive in attitude.

A combination of lessening 'leisure' time, prioritisation of work/career (from a very young age) and little exercise (indeed, little time to exercise); it shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that we have such high levels of cardiovascular and lung disease: stress-eating and smoking are symptomatic of a culture of prioritising 'output' over the individual. Oh, and of course, the rotten weather doesn't help. The attitudes of employers and employees across Britain need a complete overhaul: work to live, not live to work.

Think I might just skip the lot and move abroad now.

Wow - this is really not where I meant to go with this post, and I should get back to exam revision now. Ho hum...

Frustration and thankfullness

Tired. Sick of revision. Fidgetty. Eatten too much suger. Sick of waiting for people to tell me that I'm worth something. Hormonally imballanced. Sick of obsessive brain. Tired of waiting for my life to start. Tired of waiting for the moment where everything changes. Bored of having unfilfilled plans and dreams. Despising the feeling of being chained down, hemmed in, put in a cage. Tired of trying to please everyone. Frustrated that I can never live up to my own expectations. Annoyed that whatever I do will never be enough. Disparing that I'm not taken seriously. Angry that I've created a persona designed not to be taken seriously. Feeling put-aside, disregarded, forgettable, invisible. Making it easy for people to disregard me. Angry that I never speak out. Angry that I hold my tounge because it's conveniant for someone else. Feeling destined to be the bad guy. Terrified that I will always be the one to make the sacrafices. Wanting what I can't have. Being to scared to take what I want. Making bad decisions. Hiding behind morality. Never saying exactly what I'm thinking. Never thinking about what I'm saying. Setting myself up to fail. Justifying other people's bad decisions. Never being utterly honest.

In spite of all the crap, the baggage, the neurosis, the self-doubt, anger and pain I drag around from day-to-day, I'm still aware of how much I have to be thankful for.

Life. Family. Love. Friends. Stability. Acceptance. Intelligence. Self-respect. Librality. Taste. Humour. Support. A future. Choices. Expectations. Patience. Insite. Empathy. Sincerity. Tact. Ability. Sympathy. Determination. Enthusiasm. Devotion. Grace. Talent. Opportunities. Morality. Consiousness. Chances. Peace.

Catch-up and Misc. non-sense

Well, here I am back in Edinburgh after a nice long break at home :) (by break I do mean spending 12 hours a day revising, but that's beside the point) So, what's happened recently that I can remember?...

I handed in my MSc application at last (God, I hope I get it!)

I started applying for jobs for over the summer (mostly book shops)

I may be going on a 2 - 4 week road trip around Europe in July! Sweet!

I got my shiney new book on Aesthetics of the Natural Environment, and the collected works of Norman MacCaig - yay :D

Gran and Dads birthdays happened, so lots of nice food (Pete and I even made Dad a birthday cake, although it should be more acuratley described as lots-of-chocolate-with-slightly-less-butter-and-suger-and-flour. It was gooooooood)

I got new cycling gloves, so now my hands won't freeze - huzzah!

My friend Sarah got a PhD place in St Andrews :)

I found some of my old short-stories - quite pleasantly supprised by how well writen they were - my fictional writing skills are now sadly lacking :(

Came back to a clean flat, and a much better television in the sitting room (it's Chris's, but he's moving in with Gareth, who has a HUGE tv, so Chris's one would have been rather redundant there. Can now ask people over to watch films)

The Scottish Lib Dems may have lost Berwickshire!!!!!!! It seems impossible because t has been such a strong-hold for years upon years, but the Conservatives or SNP have nabbed it >:-( Plus the huge muck-up which seems to have lost 100,000 votes

I'll probably come up with more stuff later, but this is all I can remember right now.