Pop-socks and other errors...

xyz

2009-03-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm being positive. Very positive.

1. I am alive
2. Excepting some terrible event I will be alive for some time to come
3. I have a wonderful family who love and suport me
4. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I love deeply and who loves me
5. I have wonderful friends
6. I have a new and exciting job
7. Excepting some terrible event I will have a job for some time to come
8. I have the ability to think freely and clearly
9. I have the ability to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them
10. I can choose my own path in life

I have a lot to be grateful for, and pity those people who can only see the bad things in their lives, or who believe that only the bad things exist.

Emoto-crap

2009-03-08T15:44:00.000-07:00

Meh. The one person I can talk to completely honestly is too far away to really do so, and right now I could do with a heart-to-heart... :(

A Bloody Brilliant Day :)

2009-02-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm aware I haven't blogged in some time - bad me. But it just hasn't seemed worth while lately; yes, there have been the usual hijinks, but nothing of real importance...until today!

1. I interviewed for a policy job (temp contract for 11 months) with the SG.
2. I was offered the policy job :D
3. I had a meeting with an MP and may have some voluntary research and policy work lined up :D
4. Went out a celebrated success with Sarah:
i) Had dinner and cocktails at Jekle and Hyde
ii) Bought cigars and chocolate cookies and wondered along Rose street smoking cigars and eating said cookies
iii) We caught a pedicab and went on a brief tour of the New Town, and got out at Charlotte Square
iv) We sat down on the door step of the official Edinburgh residence of the First Minister, Mr Salmond, and ate more cookies and giggled until a gruff security man told us to move on - it was brilliant.
v) We went window-shopping at all the most expensive George Street stores, realising that shopping is only really fun if there's no one else there!
vi) We bought huge glasses of wine in a nice pub, and then were hit on by two very ugly men who clearly thought they were the bees-knees - it was very funny!
vii) Escaped from the ugly men and called it a night at that point.

:D

So the job starts on Wednesday (!) and I'm very much looking forward to it :)

Up-date

2008-12-18T12:42:00.000-08:00

Here comes Christmas again. On the one hand I'm looking forward to spending time at home with the whole family together and go walking, and to a certain extent I'm looking forward to the inevitable political debate after Christmas dinner (in a fairly limited way - Uncle Peter always gets a bit scarely emphatic!) But on the other hand I'm not looking forward to the bickering, Gran getting morbid when she's had a couple of drinks, and the over-preperation. I guess it's a matter of taking the rough with the smooth! Of course I am looking forward to doing the decorating and wrapping pressies and stuff, but I've three shifts to do before then and it's going to be extreemly quiet - virtually a waste of time, but it's money and I can't turn that down atm.
Speaking of money and jobs I'm still on the job hunt: I've had a couple of interviews since August but nothing has panned out yet. I'm not utterly down-hearted or anything, but it's increasinly difficult to maintain a positive attitude! It's not all doom and gloom: I asked for feedback on an unsucessful application for a research position with the SLD and the guy got back in touch very quickly. I wasn't asked in for an interview but I was next on the list had anyone dropped out, and the only reason I wasn't asked was because the other candidates had governmental experiance as temps. So that leads me to say that I've applied to a temping agency, and I'm just awaiting my disclosure form being returned before I can be put to work at long blooming last! And I spent today looking for jobs, and have about 11 to apply for over the next few weeks. It'll keep me busy anyway!
MSc graduation came and went: it was a nice, eventful day rounded off by a meal at La Gerrique, as last year.
The next few days should at least be eventful: tomorrow I'm back up in Edinburgh for drinks and a birthday party (and possibly a cocktail party there-after!), then on Saturday I've work and will hopefully see Doug when he gets in, Sunday is more work followed by a meal and drinks with whoever's around, Monday will be about the same, then home on Tuesday. And hopefully I'll manage to spend a bit of time with my boyfriend too :P
Right, I need to make a list of stuff I need to do over the next couple of days! I'll try and write more soon...

A self-ingulent whine.

2008-11-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

This evening should have been a lot of fun. Should have been. As you might have guessed, it wasn't. So now I'm sitting in bed drinking neat tequila and blogging about why it was shit: this should give you some idea of quite how bad it was!
A bunch of us went out to see the Blues Brothers show at the Festival Theatre - the show itself was fantastic: can't fault that. But I spent quite a lot of the evening feeling like I had no point being there: everyone else in that particular social group either lives with another person in that group or is dating one of them. Everyone except me. I felt very isolated. I don't feel that I have the connections in that group that everyone else does: I wasn't in the same uni class, I don't live with another member of the group, I'm not dating another member of the group. I am essentially rootless. During dinner especially I felt the desire to get up and just leave, and I doubt anyone there would have followed me or asked if I was ok. It's not that I think that they don't give a damn about me, but there's just not the same imperative for any of them as there would be if it were someone they were connected to. I feel very issolated because a lot of the people I'm closest to are very far away, and I feel like I'm loosing my relevance here and with these people who I count as friends. I feel it especially because I've been edged out by someone who's trying to carve a place for themselves, and because of how other members of the group feel towards this person it's making my gradual fading-out that much swifter. I sometimes wonder whether I shouldn't just have left in March when I had the oppertunity and the reason, then I wouldn't be in this position. So in other words I spent the evening feeling like a spare wheel, unwell, hormonal and upset and very unloved. Most of the time I get the impression that people expect me to be fine and able to deal with stuff because I'm relativly mature and tend to be there when everyone else needs a hug and a chat. Is it too much to ask that when I'm looking upset and down that someone just gives me a hug and tells me that everything will be ok? Most of this has been reinforced by people making plans and forgetting to invite me (or plain just not bothering) or talking about plans they're making as a group to which I'm clearly not welcome. I just wish they could be a little more sensetive to the fact that I don't have that connection. I feel so alone here now. I feel like I don't belong to any group and am therefore very easily disregarded. The fact that someone who is relatively new to the group has just slide into place as a flatmate and a partner to other people means that they get invited to stuff that I won't because I don't have those links. I'm on the periphery and already getting further and further away.
This builds on the insecurities which are the basis of my depression, so it's triggering a lot of stuff in that direction. In high school someone who had been a friend deliberately tried to break me out of my circle of friends, for a reason which to this day I cannot define. She did everything except tell everyone else not to talk to me. This was during my sixth year, so I spent the greater part of that year feeling unwelcome in my own group because someone didn't want me there for reasons not shared by the rest, and when I left for uni that was the experiance which followed me. I'm almost continually paranoid that people I believe to be friends will turn around and hurt me for no reason. Much of what I have said so far is the hormones talking, but they're just allowing me to say what has been at the back of my mind for quite some time.

Slinking back to the blog at last...

2008-09-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Yup, I haven't written anything in quite some time. I have a lot I could say right not, but alas I cannot be bothered :P Ok, ok - I'll try and keep a more regular blog. As much as anything else it'll ensure that I keep writing and that it doesn't just fall by the way-side while I hunt for employment.

So, first off I have now completed the MSc and know for certain that I have passed :D I just don't know the mark and probably won't until Wednesday evening when I go home to visit the family for my birthday.

Secondly, I just got my rota from MHM and it confirms my belief that they might just be entirely incompetant. I asked for 2/3 shifts a week this month, with the exception of the first week where I could only work one. I had asked for the 2nd and 3rd of October to be reserved as days I couldn't work because the plan was to spend a few days with the family while I have a bit of free time. So what did they do? They gave me shifts on both those days. Not only that, but I got the rota so close to the 1st that there isn't really any practical way of changing the shifts. Gits. So I'll go home on Wednesday evening, and come back on Thursday morning. Apart from that, I have also discovered that I am now doing roughly 50% of the work for the Edinburgh team. Another thing is that they have only given me one of the better-paid weekend shifts, and the one that they did give me is out at the Dean Gallery to which there is no public transport on a Sunday. I say again, gits. And finally, Tim and I had planned to go away for a few days this month, but because of the way the rota has panned out this might not be possible. Once more with feeling, gits. In conclusion, there is a distinct possibility that I will quit at the end of this month. But on the plus side at least we don't have to do surveys at the museums any more...

Went and saw MacBeth on Friday with Charlotte: superb production, and certainly one of the best productions in terms of emotive interpritation. The woman playing Lady MacBeth was exceptional. I also met Charlotte's boyfriend that evening - a pleasant, if slightly overly-intense, young man who is lecturing in Economics at Herriot-Watt. The evening was something of a cultural body-blow in some respects. It made me realise just how often I apologise for things that I don't have to apologise for. It showed me that a lot of the time I apologise just for having an opinion, or for not having an opinion. Charlotte and Philip are both from mainland Europe, and although I like both of them very much I don't feel comfortable around them: this in and of itself is not a bad thing because challanging aquaintances provide interesting perspectives, but I did find myself suffering from something of a cultural inferiority-complex. Their sense of humour is very differant, and their priorities and attitudes. There are a lot of people who think that main-land Europeans, especially the French, are arrogant: I would not dispute this in some cases, and Philip himself openly admitted it, but I think that a lot of our adversion to arrogance is born of being told not to be arrogant. We have willfully surrendered our collective self-confidence in favour of being overly polite. So I found it really very difficult to converse with Philip (Charlotte not so much) because he was dismissive of quite a lot of what I had (when I dared venture) said, and quite merrily talked away as if his opinion could only be right. On the one hand, I found him rude and arrogant, but on the other hand I was trying to reconsile this to the fact that it wasn't terribly rude in his culture, just in mine. I also acknowledge that in many respects he had the advantage over me in terms of age and educational advancement and world-experiance, as does Charlotte. Ignoring the BS I've managed to create around the situation, and stripping it back to bare-bones, I spent the better part of an hour feeling like a complete ignoramus. But I bet Philip didn't guess that I understood everything he said when he talked to Charlotte in French...

I'll probably come back to this cause there's a few things I want to talk about in relation to culture and cinematic appreciation, but I think I've waffled enough for one post.

Other news - er, not a lot.
My flatmate and her boyfriend have decided they want to buy a house together: I'll admit that I was shocked in that although they've known each other for years, they haven't been going out for very long at all. They reckon it'll probably be about a year before they finally get a place.
Still job hunting, although I'm finding it hard to work up the motivation.
Tim and I have started going to swing dance classes, and it's good fun :)

- Yet someone is clearly doing their job horribly wrong...

2008-08-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

This:
http://xkcd.com/463/
is also true of this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/7583805.stm

Procrastination? Moi?

Catch-up

2008-08-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything for a while - tut tut. I usually write more when I have an impending deadline, but right now this doesn't seem to be the case - and it's not as if I don't have anything to write about either.
The fringe is into it's third week and Pinafore opened last night, to great appreciation apparently :) Have managed to catch up with quiet a few people: Harriet, Helen, Si and Jordan. I've been to see a few shows, notably Ed Byrne and Tim Minchin. Great fun with fantastic energy.
I'm currently in the midsts of hunting for a new flatmate - thought we might have had the right candidate but she changed her mind at the last moment, which was somewhat frustrating. Got a few people viewing tonight, so hopefully will be able to make a decision in the near future.
I have been pretty low with a bug for the past few days - feeling really weak and shivery. I've managed to keep going but I have a horrid feeling it'll be back again once this deadline is done and I start to chill out again.
I have such a long list of things I want to do once this dissertation is done! Not least of which is to find a job! There are a few which might be worth applying for, but nothing truely exciting.

Stuff

2008-08-08T01:19:00.001-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7547148.stm

Absolutely bloody teriffying...

---------------------------------

I'm at home now for all of 24 hours to visit the family - My Aunts and Uncles are visiting from South Africa and London, so am taking the opportunity (however brief) of catching up with them while they're here. Just back from a family meal (with the missing members being my brother and my London-Uncle-Peter: we have 4 Peters in my immediate family). Was crossed examined on my dissertation and employment prospects by my Grandfather - joy.
The train journey down was utterly packed - there was no way I was ever going to get a seat on the 5.30 train to London Kings Cross on a Friday! I ended up huddled in a corner of the vestibule until Dunbar, where on everyone else got a seat but I couldn't be bothered moving so just stood by the open window enjoying the fresh air and the wonderful seascape North of Berwick.
This is the first time I've been home since Holly died, and it's very strange without her. Even just noticing small things like the absence of her water bowl puts it into sharp relief. I'll visit her grave in the morning - it's too dark now.
Have been interviewing potential flatmates over the past couple of days - a couple of guys who didn't seem right, and a lovely girl who I reckon will fit in perfectly. Hopefully she's meet Sally tomorrow, and if sally likes her then I'm more than happy to offer her the room if she wants it.
Ug - my head is aching :(

About bloody time!

2008-08-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7540480.stm

I've probably ranted about Starbucks on here somewhere before, so obviously this article delighted me :)

Other stuff:
Have seen The Dark Knight: brilliant :D
The Fringe started: w00t the Fringe! (but not the crowds when you're trying to get somewhere!)
Finished the first fraft of the dissertation with 3.5 weeks to spare: unheard of!
A friend I haven't spoken to for ages got in contact again, which was pretty cool :)

Later:
I have a problem involving making a choice between two options; both have their ups and downs, their strengths and weaknesses. I honestly don't know if I can make a choice between them, or even if I have the choice - no, that's stupid, I have other choices, and even the choice of not activly making a choice. I also have the choice of not angsting out and not sweating it - after all, who knows if it'll even come to making a choice.

Polo and prudishness

2008-08-01T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan, but the girl has a point...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7536492.stm

Yet another odd dream...

2008-07-30T02:07:00.000-07:00

I can't remember so much about this one, but I do remember sitting on Forest Road with someone else. For some reason we were singing, but kinda singing a conversation rather than just speaking it - nothing about this seemed in any way strange (as always seems to be the case in dreams). We were sitting on the edge of the pavement watching people racing cars with too many people in them at high speed around the corner, some of them leaning out of the windows, laughing crazily. The person I was sitting with (I don't remember what he looked like, but he reminded me in some ways of a person I know through Savoy) sang something, and I remember being very happy about what was said but not knowing what it was. All I did know was this person was extraordinary , and what ever it was they said was precisely what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately at this point I knew, inspite of being fast asleep, that this was a dream, so I couldn't/didn't want to say anything in return. I think I may have made an excuse or put off giving a reply imediately. Someone handed me a leaf (it looked like the kind you'd have drawn as a child - oval with a central line and diagonal concentions etc), but for some reason I wanted to see the skeleton, so I burned it with a lighter and left the skeleton. And that was it. Odd, but I do remember being very very happy.

Procrastination

2008-07-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

Here I am in the library again. I've only been here for an hour and already I'm going utterly spare! I come here in the mornings with all the good intentions of working, but end up getting distracted by just about anything! Arg! The only time I actually work efficiently is when I get up at 5am and just start to work rather than faff, but I can't do that often because it's exhasting and I crash by 3pm, and even then I can only do it when really under pressure to finish something. Even with only 4.5 weeks to complete my dissertation I'm sitting here putting off working and just building up stress for later on. I know I have plenty of time to finish and edit this bastard, but I just can't bring myself to do the necessary work before the very last minute. It's not that I'm terribly lazy, but there seems no point in working too hard until there's no choice, and I tend to find that I work best under high pressure. Lots of my last-minute essays have recieved much better marks than those I spent a lot of time working on *shrugs*, It doesn't seem fair, somehow, that my last-minute work ends up getting better marks than projects that I've put a lot of time and effort into! Perhaps it's because it flows better as a continuious stream of thought rather than as a series of segments.

Ok, will try and do some work now. No doubt I'll post again in the next few hours...

Later:
As predicted, here I am again.

Found this on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Y
So, this is the generation to which I belong; and sadly, yes, I really do belong to a generation which defines itself by ownership of technological goods and use thereof. Right now I am using three of the defining goods of this generation: laptop, MP3 player and mobile phone (clearly not all at once - I can multitask, but I only have two hands!), and writing it on my blog - Gee, could I be anymore steriotypical?! Plus I really can't see myself working for one firm/organisation for my whole life, so will probably move around quite a lot because there's no real pressure to stay in one place and it's almost looked down upon now to want to stay with one group for the rest of your life. We are given these expectations of new experiances, and once the novelty of a new job and responsabilities wear off and everything starts to become rountine, it can be very tempting to want to move on. Looking at my employment history I have had, since I was 15, 10 differant jobs! Admittedly, this isn't because I got bored or anything, it's down mostly to moving around and Uni and some of the jobs being temporary contracts. But still, 10 jobs by the age of 22 is kinda strange!

*Insert appropriate title here

2008-07-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening was a bit of a head-fuck for various reasons - in retrospect it was quite funny and a bit sad. If nothing else it explained A LOT. I think I'll have to laugh about it otherwise I'll just end up completely depressed again. At the same time I'm quite glad that the situation occured, if only because it reassured me that I wasn't at fault and that someone needs to sort their head out.

Dreams

2008-07-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a particularly vivid dream, and for once I can remember exactly what happened.
The dream, more or less, ran thus: I was working with the army (not as a member but in some sort of assosiated capacity) and I knew the unit I was with quite well. We had been sent to an area which had just been subject to sever flooding, and although the water level had now dropped, it was apparent just how much damage had been done. One of the first jobs we were to do in the community where we were based was to clear all the flood debries out of the local church to make it usable again. One of the images I remember most clearly from the dream was standing on top of something outside the church, looking through a low window in to the church. In the church there were masses of rubbish and rubble, even a couple of old cars! For some reason it was vital that we cleared the church first because, according to the logic of my dream, one of the members of the unit was planning on getting married there in the near future, and the present from the unit to him and his bride was having the church back to it original state.

Most of the images I can atribute to things I had seen in the past couple of days, but the meaning was a bit more difficult. I decided to try a bit of dream analysis, for fun, and see what came up. I took a few of the key images from the dream and looked them up.
1) Looking into a church from the outside can represent spiritual strife and questioning.
2) Rubbish represents the need to change bad habits and avoid scandle
3) The wrecked cars could represent feelings of being out of control of life
4) Floods represent tension and stress
5) Armies represent a massive force working against you
So, going by the analysis, not a possative dream then.

Although I don't put faith in dream analysis this still reflects a number of things in my life that worry me; my crisis of faith, wondering whether I'm a bad person, feeling out of control of my life. Although the thing that made me wonder was the fact that in the dream I was working with the army but not as part of it, so maybe that has a differant meaning. Who knows!

Feedback and stuff

2008-07-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Got a call back from Ian Campbell at the Scottish Government Offices in Brussels about feedback on my application. The guist of the conversation is: my application was very strong and I have relevant experiance, but my French was the deciding factor - I wasn't fluant and that's what the role required. The French requirement was what I expected to be the cause, so am quite happy that the rest of the application was good enough. I am in the process of improving my French, but obviously with my dissertation deadline drawing closer I don't have a lot of time to work on that. Ian gave me a few pointers for people to speak to if I want to go ahead with the EU thing in the future.

Off home tonight for my Mum's birthday tomorrow, so a couple of days of quiet'll do me good I suspect! Need a break from the city as am feeling somewhat hemmed in right now.

A conversation that has needed to be had for a while has now happened, and is certainly for the best. It will make life less confusing :) which is always good! But I think a seperate conversation with a differant person is still needed, but it's never going to happen because in theory "everything is fine" and there is nothing to talk about - I'm not convinced.

Finally returned Chris' flat key this afternoon.

Need to pack and return a library book now, but honestly cannot be bothered...

Later:
I'm at home now and it's muggy as anything down here - I can't sleep but should try as I'll have a busy day tomorrow.
Got a further call from Ian earlier - a job came up today that he thinks I should apply for: again, it's in Brussels, and it's a policy assistant job. I'll give it a go and see what happens.
Should go and wrap birthday presents now.

Sleepy...

2008-07-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

1. Got an email back from the Scottish Government EU office about my request for feedback on my application - someone'll be calling me next Tuesday :) So somthing posative came out of an otherwise disappointing failure to secure a job. It'll be useful for the future anyway.
2. We won the pub quiz yesterday - woot!
3. Discovered Dr Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and The Guild: wasted a lot of time this mornign watching those rather than working - oops!
4. Applied for a broadcast assistant job with the BBC - don't expect to be called for an interview, but it pays to keep applying for things here and there.
5. My horoscope today on FB made me very very nervous (not that I believe that sot of crap, but still...)
6. This made me smile: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7513571.stm
(see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxWNl2Kd-dU)
7. This made me want to hit people: http://community.livejournal.com/muslims/583460.html
8. This is far too true for comfort: http://xkcd.com/451/
9. This made me go "awwwww":
more cat pictures

Oh, and I finally remembered what I had intended to write about today in the first place! Go me and my shoddy memory (warenty has probably expired by now...damn...). Yet again, it's in reference to my faith-related-crisis of the past few weeks. I was Wikipediaing stuff on the Abrahamic tradition and got to following a chain of articles on faith, philosophy etc. I came to the conclusion that my current stance is more or less sumarised by the following two life-views:
1. Agnostic Theism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnostic_theism)
and, 2. Ietism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ietsism)
Really, I guess the best way I can describe it is Agnostic Abrahamic Theism - but the problem I find is that it falls in to a semi-Gnostic catagory, and gnosticism isn't something I particularly hold with at the moment.

Post 100!

2008-07-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my 100th post :)

Nothing terribly exciting to say really. D'oh!

Oh, did go and see The Forbidden Kingdom last night - it was a lot of fun :) And saw Kung Fu Panda a few nights previously - laughed my ass off!

Got a call from the Telegraph asking for photos from HMS Pinafore for an article they're doing, so that's more or less sorted now. Free Publicity! Woot!

This article on the BBC website makes me worry about people:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7503861.stm
In what way would someone's sexuality impare their ability to drive?! Helloooo discrimination!

This one is more specifically for Si (assuming he still reads this) regrading the conversation we had the other day:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7487995.stm

This just ammused me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/7504433.stm

This doesn't suprise me:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7502678.stm

And finally, in reference to my little crisis of faith that has been going on lately:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7503968.stm

I could go back to my first post and do some sort of retrospective, but I think that would be really wanky and unnecessary given that anything that needs retrospection will (for the most part) be in this blog.

P.s. I identify far too much with this:
http://xkcd.com/449
Can't quite believe it has been 7 months already...

Environmental developments

2008-07-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7501476.stm

This sounds fantastic if it is ever fully implimented! But not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, is it ever going to get as much funding as it potentially deserves...? We'll see, I guess.

Faith revisited and other stuff

2008-07-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the news this morning, and one of the big stories of the day is the decision by the Church of England to allow the appointment of female Bishops. I think that this is a big step forward; a really significant event for all involved. What I don't understand is why women in the Church was ever an issue of contention? We could get into the whole 'women are the source of original sin' thing, but quite frankly I think that is utter BS. The Garden of Eden story shouldn't be taken literally, in my view, as historical fact; it isn't fact. Evolution is a fact (or as close to one as we can reasonably get at the moment). I don't see that the creation story and Evolutionary theory are at odds - we just have to acknowledge that the Garden of Eden story is a annalogy for the development of consiousness. Which makes the whole idea about Eve tempting Adam with the apple of knowledge utterly irrelevant. The exclusion of women from positions in the church on that basis is, thus, unjust and backward for a body which claims to desire equality for all. If the traditionalists were to have won the vote today, then it would have been a backward step for the church of England and a sign of the continued institutional sexism which has been rife in the Church for the past 500 years. The claim that women are fundamentally tainted has been used to justify the oppression of women, and exclude them from full and fair participation in a faith which teaches tollerance and forgiveness. Surely it's about time 'Eve' was forgiven and her daughters were no longer burdened with an unfair reputation as 'tainted'?

This kinda feeds into my thoughts in the last post: can I really follow a system of belief in which sexism and inequality are central tenants of the faith? I have been to a couple of Christian wedding ceremonies in the past year, and in each I was annoyed by the emphasis on the dominance of the man in the wedded state and how the woman was expected to 'submit' to the man 'as the Church to Christ'. As a feminist and a female Christian I find this hard to bear (perhaps this is why I'm not a very good Christian). In any relationship there should never be any forced dominance or submittion involved (I'm not talking in the sexual way - what people get up to in that respect is entirely up to them); a wedded relationship should be about negotiation and discussion. No decision should ever be made simply because one party has been 'picked by God' to be dominant. Besides, I doubt that God (who/whatever that is) would honestly create humans unequal; any traditions in Christianity are almost certainly the result of millenia of Church dogma and unjust male domination. Woman's submittion to her husband in the wedded state in Christianity is almost certainly the result of institutionalised patriarchal dogma. Using the 'fear of God' to restrict women of faith from full and equal participation, and full emansipation as a sex.

I'm almost certain that most of the Traditionalists at today's vote don't think of it in those terms: I guess they reason that it's "God's will" and that women were designed as man's 'help-meet' but not to be religious leaders. My response; you're stuck in the past, and many of the best and most faithful Christians are women. It's about time this was acknowldeged.

That was more of a feminist rant than I was intending, but can you see where this leaves me? Again: in the same situation as before: can I follow a faith that requires inequality? I think that I have to believe that this inequality was not God's will, but is the result of centuries of church politics.

Faith

2008-06-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

This may get a bit rambly in places, just so you know (having said that, if you've read any of my posts before then you will already have anticipated this).

I had a conversation with Tim a few weeks ago about faith. I am a Christian; not a very good one, I'll admit - I probably commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on a daily basis. I am what would be termed a Liberal Christian; my basic rule for life is "Do as you would be done by" - and I don't always manage to follow that rule particularly well! Tim on the other hand is an Aetheist, verging on Antitheist.

I'm not entirely sure how we got onto the topic of belief/faith, but we did. The discussion more or less ended up with me acknowledging the logic of the Aetheist argument (and I do follow it and will admit that it makes perfect sense) but still certain that there is something more to this life than a random fluck of cosmic parking! Just the thought of there not being a God, just thinking it, really upset me - I was in tears.

It wasn't Tim's fault by any means; we were simply having a debate from our two respective viewpoints. I'm not prone to crying - I don't like people seeing me when I'm upset, so I tend to just make a joke or hide it. But this time I honestly couldn't help it; I cried. The idea that there is nothing beyond this is fundamentally terrifying. At the time the only two routes I could logically see were; 1) accept that This Is It, or 2) be a better Christian (and I am talking fundamental here).

The problem with 1) is that were I to accept this then I could go one of two ways: a) become a complete nihlist and stop caring about anything or anyone because nothing matters at all, or
b) acknowledge that my time here is fleeting and that the only thing I can do is make my time as good as possible and do as much good as possible.

The problem with 2) is that I don't agree with everything in the Bible - I think that there is a lot wrong with it as a guide for life. A lot of it I do agree with, but so much of it is really just 'common sense' stuff for the creation of a harmonious society. And I posatively hate all these people who stand behind a mask of faith and use the teachings of the bible to their own ends - I couldn't stand to be counted as one of that number, even if I wasn't but was assosiated with those people by others.

So where does this leave me? Well, much in the same position as where I started I guess: Christian/Agnostic. Agnostisism is a bit of a cop-out in my mind, but unfortunately it is the position I find myself in: I don't know what's going on but I have a little too much cynacism for blind faith.

Ultimately, I think I can believe precisely what I want to believe as long as it doesn't affect the rights and freedoms of anyone else, and if I choose to believe in God but it turns out that God doesn't exist then who am I hurting? As long as I do what I believe to be right, and follow my conscience, then I don't think I can go too far wrong. A huge number of people have said what I have just said, and far more eloquently (no doubt with better spelling, grammer, structure and punctuation).

No fear: I'm not about to launch into a massive "What does it all mean? Why are we here?" schpiel: I think I have been quite emo enough for one evening!

Stuff

2008-06-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back home for the weekend. Dog-sitting for the parents while they are away at a wedding up North. Holly, our black Labrador, is senile, deaf, incontenant and virtually immobile; she spends 90% of her day sleeping and the rest of it eating and dumping, or following me around and staring into space. Unfortunately she also has a tendancy to fall down the stairs these days, which is worrying. Anyway, so I'm back down here until Monday, all on my lonesom. On the plus side I have peace and quiet to get on with work, which is always a good thing.

I'm missing the Graduate Ball again this year. Didn't go last year because I didn't see the point; I didn't know all that many people in my year who were going so I didn't see the point. And this year I'm not going because I don't graduate until December, which sucks a bit really. I guess it has become something of an unofficial tradition: I didn't go to the Freshers Ball, my first graduateion, so it makes sense that I shouldn't attend my second graduate ball. But I am quite sad to be missing the fun.

I heard back from the Scottish Government EU job - I didn't get called for an interview, which sucked, but I wasn't suprised really. Although I put as much into the application as possible, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be their first choice of candidate. It was a long-shot to begin with, but I was still disappointed. Lesson being: don't get your hopes up over a long-shot, because chances are that no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you know you would put into it, it does matter cause you're not in control. I hate not being in control and being aimless. Says a lot about me and my life really!

Have been writing a bit again recently, which is good: I have been trying out a few new genres - trying to mix genres more than I have before. I have realised just how much I limit myself in terms of style when there are so many options open to me! Still fairly enamoured of short-story writing. I have a feeling that this is more to with my lack of patience, which is something I need to work on - is it wrong just to want to get into the heart of the story without too much characterisation and scene-setting?

Grr.

2008-06-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

I am tired of these stupid passive-aggressive little jibes that are being made at my expense. Sick of it. Seriously. I don't mind a joke, or a joke being made at my expense occassionally, but people poking fun at a weakness is a step too far. I know that it's not exactly important, or even a real weakness, but it still makes me feel stupid when people pick up on it. And I feel pretty stupid most of the time anyway, which doesn't help.

I'm feeling insecure at the moment and could do with not being made to feel like an idiot by some of my friends. Yeah, for the most part I've always been very good at hiding how I feel and ignoring it when people are insensative; but now I have had it up to here. Next tosser who pisses me off is getting a slap.

Ok, perhaps being a bit oversensative, but I have as much right as anyone to be annoyed.

Update-type-post

2008-06-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Not a huge amount to say, but the stuff I do have to say is reasonably important I guess.
Firstly, I sent off the application for the Scottish Government EU Office Internship yesterday. I'm really quite excited about this role; I'd be working in Scotland House in Brussels for 11 months (paid, fortunately) and it would be excellant training for an Government job in the future. I really hope that I at least get through to the interview stage - I would be pretty dissapointed if I didn't, considering the amount of work that I put into the application! The deadline was today, so I hope to hear back in 2 weeks - 1 month. May have to re-learn French for the job - oh la la!
Secondly, probably not all that important, I've ordered a new laptop which will (hopefully) arrive tomorrow. I look forward to having a comp which will take less than 20 minutes to boot up in the morning, and hopefully won't die any time I download articles from Jstore. And most of all, it won't die while I'm writing this damn dissertation.
Thirdly, I've decided to work from home for the next 11 weeks (i.e. until the dissertation deadline). Hopefully it will be less distracting than the office. I cleared my desk space on Sunday and lugged everything home (ouch!); I'm quite sad to have left, obviously, because it feels like the begining of the end of my academic career (at least for now, anyway) and the start of a real life. Oh well, it's for the best I reckon.

Other:
Spoke to Eva the other day about her wedding: she sounds really happy and I look forward to catching up with her soon.
Went to see The Incrediable Hulk the other day - weak at best. Not dreadful and cringeworthy as it did have it's moments, but still below par.
The Fringe Guide is out at last - woop woop!
The girls are away atm - quite lonely :(
My window sill has now been taken over by plants! :D Tomatoes, chillies and basil.

Lastly, a problem:
I'm in a bit of a quandry. There's something I really want to know, but I don't know whether it would actually be to my benefit or detriment to know. What I do know is that I definately cannot ask the question to the person concerned because it's none of my business. Sucks. And, quite honestly, knowing may well involve wishing that I didn't. So, do I just wait for them to say something (which they might never do), or do I ask a question to which I have no right to know the answer? Bah.

Nostalga and reflections

2008-06-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

Probably going to do exactly what it says in the title.

This bout of reflectivness is brought about by various events of the past couple of days. The first of these events was being informed that one of my best friends from school was now married. I knew she was engaged, and I was at her engagment party in Jabuary, but I thought she wasn't planning on getting hitched until October - seems I was wrong. Well, I was only partially wrong: She and her now-husband only decided three weeks ago that they were going to go ahead and get married asap (I should perhaps explain that they were in America at this point and he is an American citizen), so three weeks later they were. They only informed their parents and sorta-kinda eloped. I'm glad that they are so posative that this is what they wanted to do, and I suspect that it had been on their minds for a while - it just came as a suprise when checking Facebook to find that Eva had updated her status to "Eva is married - officially!!!". It's really very telling of our generation - lol!

Maybe I'm so freaked out because I don't really think of myself as an adult or as being in anyway mature enough to make that sort of decision. Eva and I are both only 22. Is it just me, or does everyone still feel like a kid at this age? I mean, it's only 5 years since I left highschool! Looking through my books the other day I came across a copy of Persuasion that I was given by my AH English teacher in sixth year - the inscription on the fly-leaf is dated 07/05/03. Over 5 years ago. And yet, sitting here at home, it could have been yesterday. It think that it is perhaps the time of year: I love this time of year at home; twilight is lingering, mist settles in bringing a damp chill to the air, everything become muted, blackbirds and robins call out from all around, lending a last vibrancy to an otherwise melecholy landscape. I went around the National Gallery of Scotland today and saw several pictures of the Borders: they were all picturesque in the style of the Romantics, but terribly unrepresentative. Nothing in the style or mood of the images made me think in anyway of my home. Admittedly my taste in landscape turns more towards appreciation of the sublime or the melencholy-picturesque rather than the idylic. Anyway, back to the point: I always feel younger at home - perhaps everyone does - and sitting here, right now, I don't think that at this age that I am in any way capable of making that decision. Hell, there are days where I can barely decide what CD to put on while I working, let alone knowing whether I'm capable of being with someone for the rest of my life!

Which leads me neatly into my next point: how does anyone know whether the person they're with (etc etc) is a person they would be capable of spending their life with? Ok, clearly there will be attraction for whatever reason and you get to know the person in question over a period of time, but frankly, even when you think you know the person completely: how do you know that they are 'the one'? (Aside: I don't think that there is any such thing as 'the one' - it sounds like romantic BS with no basis). There are no thunder-claps or choirs of angels to highlight the fact, so we have to go with intuition. This is the point at which I get very nervous: humans are faliable - none of us make perfect decisions which will please everyone all the time, it's impossible - so is it a case of making the best of a situation or a least-worst-choice? I hate the mere thought of there being 'one perfect person for everyone' - it's a load of bollocks - but if you are going to spend you're life with someone then you want it to be that 'perfect person' otherwise, what's the point? So when a couple make the decision to marry are they hoping that this is the right person for them or are they compromising and making the most of it? Sorry, I'm not terribly romantic - I'd like to think that romance still has some place in my world, but quite frankly I'm not sure it does. My conclusion is that it must be a case of meet someone you like and can stand to be around for long periods of time (who also likes you preferably) and make the best of it and honour those comitments should someone "better" make an apperance in your life (ye gods - how wanky did that sound?!).

Sorry, this has become a very convoluted and irrelevant post which bears little resembalance to the original title. Please bear with my rambling train of thoughts until it reaches it's terminus or become completely derailed.

Ok, the second reflection-inducing event of the past couple of days: yet another graduation approaches. This year it's Maya's turn and she's moving back home to Wales tomorrow. We've been best friends for nearly 5 years now - which is a scarey thought in it's own right - throughout the highs, lows, tears and hysterics, we've always been very close. And now (in terms of physical distance) that's about to change. Edinburgh's going to be a very differant place for however long I remain there. In many respects, it was the same last year - me staying when a lot of my friends left for pastures new - I missed Doug especially as we hadn't really been apart since birth. And, in turn, I've made new friends, and many situations and relationships have changed in the space of that year: what I have come to realise is that as I remain in the city this will continue to happen and it cannot be avoided. Not that it should be avoided - it is an important part of growth. It can be upsetting, but these wouldn't be real friendships if I wasn't emotionally affected in some way.

Oh god - I'm aware that I have rambled terribly, so will keep the rest short and sweet (promise):
1) Am home atm for the Wellfield House open garden for MacMillan: will be helping on the plant stall.
2) Had Maya's farewell bbq last night - t'was fun.
3) Started the new job - first shift went very well :)
4) I'm extremely tired.
5) I need a smack around the head for being emo (not just in relation to anything I've mentioned in this note - may get around to writing about this at a later date, but right now it's probably not a good idea).

Gubbins

2008-06-02T03:32:00.000-07:00

Saw Sex and the City - t'was reasonably entertaining and not completely rubbish, so I count that as a win.

Got the first of my course results back - 69%, which is ok, but not as good as I had hoped for that course.

Got a new p/t job conducting customer satisfaction inverviews outside galleries and museums around the city - pays quite well and is flexiable.

Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter recently - t'was quite good fun :)

Have found a really interesting internship to apply for in the Scottish Government EU office :D Sounds very exciting.

Got a rejection letter this morning for the Senior Researcher position I applied for at the Scottish Government: not suprised really. Hope I get an invite for the Research Officer position - fingers crossed.

Finished fieldwork at last.

Watched Manos: The Hands of Fate last night! Oh ye gods! It's was truely dreadful to such an extent that it made Boa vs. Python (which we watched next) look good! That's a very telling sign.

We won the pub quiz last Thursday for the first time in ages :D Woot!

Pete left for Romania on Friday. Giving Mum directions out to the airport was a nightmare, but we managed to stop shouting at eachother by the time we reached the terminal.

Indiana Jones and the Truely Dreadful Film

2008-05-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

1. Do not waste your money by seeing the new Indiana Jones film - it's not worth the money let alone hours of you life! It was pointless, and not in an entertaining way (like the first 3) either: it was filled with stereotypes, bad accents, dreadful 'acting', cliche after cliche, all sorts of rubbish detail problems (e.g. a 'crystal skull' which can magnetically attract gun powder - yeah, there-in is another seperate problem - from across a vast warehouse while in a sealed box in a pile of large boxes, and yet somehow doesn't attract anything when wrapped in a blanket). And of course, as anyone who has seen the trailer will be able to tell, they introduce his long-lost son and the woman he left at the alter (incidently, I'm convinced the actress must have had a serious brain injury since the last Indy film she appeared in - all the acting ability of a newt). To conclude: very bad.

2. Never, ever play Drink-along-with-Terry while watching the Eurovision Song Contest: you will only ever regret it.
The Rules
i) Drink anytime Terry Wogan mentions the following: Balkan States, Political Voting, "big shock/suprise", "I would never have seen that coming",
ii) Drink as Terry gets gradually more offensive about the acts
iii) Drink any time Terry makes a vaguely sexist/racist remark
...and so on.
Optional rule
i) Drink when the act is just downright sleazy (this was the killer for me this year!)

All in all, a very entertaining evening :D

Wibble!

2008-05-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well, that was the most shocking thing to have happened to me in quite a long time!
I was in Sainsburys buying some stuff for dinner, got to the front of the checkout queue when the girl serving me had an epileptic fit. She had stood up and then lurched over sideways: I thought she had caught her foot in the base of the chair, so leaned over to make sure she was ok (it looked like a nasty fall and I was concerned that she might have hit her head on the way down) only to see her fitting. I did what anyone would do in the circumstances and rushed round the back of the counter. I wasn't sure what to do, so I did what I could: put her on her side, held her steady, made sure her head didn't hit anything, made sure she wouldn't swallow her tongue and kept talking to her. It was a terrifying situation to be in: she was the last person on the row of counters and no one would have noticed her go down if myself and another guy hadn't been in the queue. I was there for a couple of minutes until the first-aider was called and then the paramedics, who got there very swiftly. There wasn't anything else I could do except tell them what happened and what I did, buy my shopping and leave. I really hope she's ok - I'm still concerned that she may have concussed herself, but the Paramedics will ensure she's ok.
Just hope I never have to deal with that sort of situation again - I was pretty shocked afterwards and started crying. Felt extremely stupid doing so - what were tears going to do afterall? But I couldn't help it, so I let them come. I'm fine now, and I hope the girl is.

Random bits and bobs

2008-05-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Have been doing fieldwork for my dissertation down at Ocean terminal this week: it has been going well, but I'm now utterly shattered. I start down at Princes Street next week. It has been pretty sucessful so far, but I keep wanting to sell stuff to customers because it's really just like when I worked there at christmas. Anyway - 8/30 interviews done and some pretty useful data coming out of it.
Got a nice new dress today from TKMaxx - really like it :) But am feeling rather ill, so not in the mood to go out.
A family of ducks have moved into the pond under the Scottish Widows building at the top of Dalkeith Road :D Very very cute! The pond is on two levels and the water runs from the upper one over a ledge into the lower one: it would seem the ducklings were having trouble with this so someone has put a plank between the two levels so they can get back up :D Hehe! I love ducklings - fluffy yellow bundles of cuteness.
A bit ill today - have caught some sort of bug: left OT a bit early but the traffic on Leith Walk was so bad that I got home at the same time as if I had left at 5pm :(

2008-05-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

I really really need a hug right now. Don't know why. There's no one around either, which kinda sucks. And there's no chocolate in the house. And I left my bankcard elsewhere and have no money in my purse. Fail.

Also have a stupid number of bruises at the moment :S Clumsy so and so lol!

Feeling a bit rudderless...

2008-05-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

So I've done my final ever exam and now it's the long, slow crawl towards the dissertation - 29th of August here I come *sigh*. This being the case I'm applying for every job I can find - it's really pretty depressing actually, the most (relatively speaking) important experiences of your life compressed into a CV. I guess I'm just feeling a bit grouchy as the final go-ahead for fieldwork has not yet been given and I really just want to get on with it already! Lol! It'd mean I wouldn't be in the office for a couple of weeks anyway except for writing-up field notes etc. Oh well, I just have to hope that the ethic committee finally get back to me today.

In other news: my p/t job finishes next week. Tutoring has been a fun experience, but I'm shattered and it has really only confirmed in my mind that there is no way on Earth that I'd want to be a teacher. I've applied for a p/t filing job in the evenings, which would be ideal, if rather boring, but the pay (£6.70 p/h) is pretty damn good and it'd be 5-8pm Monday - Thursday, which works pretty well with my timetable. They haven't got back to me yet, but I hope they do soon.

Haha - just checked my email and my ethics has been signed off: I'm good to go! Woot! :D Now I can go and harass people in the street!

Ok, less grouchy now :)

Shall try and apply for 3 jobs this PM after I've monitored J and N's assessment: all research jobs, but they pay well and that's all I'm really bothered about. Having said that, several of them are in London, so I really need to start considering whether moving there is something I'm willing to do. If they pay well enough to support me then there's no conceivable reason why I shouldn't, but I feel like some thing's holding me back. I don't really want to leave Edinburgh, and there are a good number of reasons why I shouldn't, but at the same time I have to go where the money is and where opportunity is. If I'm offered one of the jobs I plan to apply for this afternoon, then I will go wherever it takes me and will have to deal with the consequences as best I can.

Crappy crappy evening

2008-05-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

Basicly I was attacked by a bunch of drunken, stupid women at a flatwarming party. Some sort of misinterpretation was made involving me saying to one of the girls that I really liked her shoes and her taking this as a deadly insult (God only knows how, but there was quite a lot of drink involved and a game of Chinese whispers no doubt). They made a bunch of insults as I was leaving that cut to the bone; comments about my weight and dress-sense and so on. Stupid things in themselves, but they brought out a load of my old insecurities and made me feel about 15 again (which was probably what age these girls were to be quite honest - their 'wit' and 'logic' would certainly suggest it). I made the stupid mistake of reacting to this (sometimes I curse my quickness of temper) and made the situation worse. I don't know if they were just agressive because they were drunk or looking for fight or what, but it just makes me very very glad that I was never like that and I pray that I never will be.
It makes me thankful for the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who stand up for me - especially Maya. If they hadn't been there I almost certainly would have ended up in a fist-fight: I'd have landed a few blows but there were quite few of them so I wouldn't have made it far I doubt.
Why do people feel the need to act like this? I don't understand it. I can't help but think that it's the result of some lack of fulfilment or perpose in their lives; maybe a lack of self-respect.
What I've learned from this is that I need to manage my temper better (turn the other cheek), that I have fantastic friends, that some people are just aggressive, and that I shouldn't blame myself for the actions of others.

Hmmmm......?

2008-05-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

Rather random conversation over lunch: we were discussing a form of punishment Justine had heard of a while back (following on from a conversation about the evilness of Seagulls - we have very odd conversations in our department). Basicly what would happen was an offender would have a fish strapped to their head then be pushed overboard or thrown into the sea, and the fish would attract dive-bombing seabirds! You can imagine the results.

Ealasaid's reaction: "Eeewww, sick!"

My reaction: "Hmmmm, creative."

Oh dear...

Big box, little box, giant SQUID!

2008-05-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hmm, where to start?

Well, first off: All my coursework is now done and handed in :D This leaves me with an exam on Thursday and the Dissertation at the end of August. My intention is to start fieldwork later next week (if all goes to plan!) and hopefully have a more-or-less-final draft of the dissertation ready for the start of August. If this, by some miracle, actually happens then I should theoretically be able to enjoy some of the Fringe and catch up with visiting friends. Obviously this is an ideal situation and will probably end up with me doing the last minute thing again ;) Hehe - hopefully not, not after the undergrad dissertation (although I'm not the best at learning from my mistakes it has to be said)! So if you see me swanning around at the start of August looking far to relaxed then I'm counting on you lot (who ever might read this) to tell me to "Get on with your bloody dissertation, you lazy so-and-so".

Saturday was a busy day: Firstly, it was Josie's wedding. Lou, Ads and I went out for brunch before walking to St Cuthberts for the service. The day itself was overcast, but warm, so was able to wear my polkadot dress (I didn't manage to find anything else in time). The service was lovely and the choir performed very well. It was lovely to see so many Savoyards of all generations together again, and catch up with people I haven't see for a while. Then myself, Lou, Ads, Kirsty and Steven had lunch together before I went of to the Friends of Bedlam 5th birthday party. Again, lots of catching up got done. Sunday was nice a chilled out :)

Saw Iron Man on Friday: LOVE IT! Mmmmmm, Robert Downey jr. The whole thing was great :) Thoroughly enjoyed it - especially considering I wasn't overly impressed by the trailers. Shall probably go and see it again on Thursday evening - will see.

Hopefully shall get my poor, under-used bike out tomorrow if the weather holds - I feel guilty every time I walk past it :S But I did work up the motivation to go to the gym today for the first time in ages - t'was nice :)

Doing the job-application thing at the moment: there are a few research jobs I'm interested in at the Scottish parliament, and a couple at Westminster. And I should probably hunt for a p/t job for over the Summer - need to email John about the Archives job that he mentioned a week ago. Ah well - it sounds mind-numbingly dull, but it's flexiable which is the main thing.

Can't think of anything else atm - shall probably remember more in a bit.

Very very silly

2008-04-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

http://xkcd.com/414/

Hehehehehe! One can only think that this would hurt quite a lot... And am rather curious as to where skateboards are mentioned in the Karma Sutra... *shugs*

Because I havn't done one of these for a while...

2008-04-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

1. What time is it?
15:15 GMT - also known as coffee time :)

2. What is your sign and your birthday?
Well, if you put any faith in that nonsense: Libra (although, having said that, some of my horoscopes in the Metro lately have been spot-on), and my birthday is October 1st

3. What type was your first car?
Don't own a car, but borrow the parents car from time-to-time when at home - can't really see the point of having a car in a city with pretty reasonable transport links - at home yes, but not here.

4. Name four jobs you've had in your life?
i) Banquet waitress - people with money enough to rent out a large country house and have it fully waited etc are generally very very odd people - just to warn you.
ii) Potato sorter - don't think I need to elaborate on that one
iii) Checkout slave - die, Tesco, die!
iv) Receptionist - and stationary cupboard tyrant

5. If you could have any job, what would it be?
Not really sure to be honest. A potter perhaps.

6. What are you most afraid of?
Pass - quite a lot of things I guess. Most people are. Wasps. Not learning from mistakes.

7. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?
Vantage Point, I think. Truely truely dreadful film lol! Problem was that the concept and the structure had potential, but (with the exception of a couple of action-scenes) everything else was a bit poor.

8. What are four movies you would watch over and over?
i) Serenity - :D Do I really need to explain why?
ii) Kill Bill 1 & 2 - Swords, Uma Thurman kicking ass, Quentin T, rocking soundtracks - what's not to love?
iii) Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - Robert Downey jr at his best, and probably one of the most quotable films in the world
iv) Children of Men - conceptually fabulous and beautifully filmed

9. Place of birth?
Edinburgh

10. What are four places you have lived?
Erm, I don't think I've lived in four differant places. Duns and Edinburgh would be about it.

11. What are four places you have been on vacation?
i) Ireland
ii) London
iii) South Africa
iv) Paris

12. What are four places you would rather be right now?
Hmmmmm, just about anywhere actually (well, obviously except the inside of a nuclear reactor - that'd probably be a brief and dull trip). Well, New Zealand, South Africa, Italy or Russia ideally, but more realistically: up Arthurs Seat, cycling down a steep hill, at the Cameo watching a film, lying on the meadows in the sunshine.

13. What are the best places you have ever been?
Is it just me or does that seem like a poor way of wording the question? Probably just me. South Africa was pretty awesome :D

14. What are four websites you visit daily?
i) Facebook - it's only a minor addiction, honest!
ii) Student Mail Service - cause if I leave it for too long the uni tends to complain that I'm ignoring them...
iii) BBC news
iv) Hotmail

Sorry, not the most interesting list I'm afraid! And XKCD is only updated 3 times a week...

15. What are four of your favorite foods?
i) Bread - seriously, I occassionally get bread cravings (only good bread though)
ii) Meat - I just don't eat much of it
iii) Crispy Shredded Chilli Beef - mmmmmmmm.
iv) Pinapple
16. What's your favorite new food?
Mmmm, I guess kidney and liver - Mum doesn't like them so we never really ate them at home, but I now cook them pretty often: cheap, tasty, and they make sure my iron-levels don't dip too often :)

17. Which do you prefer, ketchup or mustard?
Depends what it's on - ketchup on kittens and mustard on old-fashioned telephones?

18. Which do you prefer, hamburgers or hotdogs?
hamburgers, but only because...well...what hell do they put in hotdogs? :S Having said that, you never really know what they put in hamburgers.

19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yup - poor-mans asparugus

20. Favorite Drink?
Diet Coke/Coke Zero - it's addicitive I swear. But when I have free-will, then probably a glass of good red-wine or coffee

21. Favorite ice cream?
Not sure - anything out of the ordinary really

22. What's your natural hair color?
Erm - well, I'd say a sort of mousey-light-brown, but I have been accused of being blonde from time-to-time

23. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
WTF?

24. Ever love someone so much it made you cry?
Ug... let's not talk about it, eh?

25. Favorite CD?
Lol - CDs are verging on retro these days ;) But it's a choice between The Essential Bob Dylan and the Juno Soundtrack

26. Favorite day of the week?
Not sure - Tuesdays are pretty good I reckon. But not Thursdays; I never could get the hang of Thursdays...

27. Favorite Restaurant?
The one at the end of the Universe. Or Rhubarb at The Prestonfield House Hotel.

28. Favorite Flower?
Tulips :) There's something infinately cheerful about them

29. Favorite sport to watch?
Rugby generally, but really want to watch a match of Elephant polo! but teasing Cats with string is a pretty good sport to watch :D

30. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB, because Disney suck.

31. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Erm, none - they're all a bit rubbish. Subway I guess, if that counts.

32. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Some sort of "sell-your-flat-quicker" neutral colour

33. Before this email, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Well, this wasn't an email. last actually email was probably from the uni library telling me to renew my books or die...wait, no...

34. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Answer stupid on-line questions

35. Bedtime?
Last night it was 10pm, but recently it has been 1am more often than not.

36. Who will respond to this email the quickest?
I hate this stupid bog-standard question - what's the point?

37. Who will be the least likely to respond?
Ditto

38. Who is the person copied on this email whose response you are most curious to see?
Ditto again

39. What four still-airing TV shows do you love to watch?
I don't really watch TV - it's mostly rubbish. Top Gear, QI...erm...I actually can't think of anything else! But am looking forward to Dollhouse (Joss Wheadon's new project) when it arrives here in about a decade's time.

40. Favorite TV show of all time?
Oh gods! How can I choose just one? Firefly, Monty Pythons Flying Circus, Farscape, Scrubs, Drop the Dead Donkey, Buffy, ...

41. What are you currently reading?
American Gods - Neil Gaiman (again)
I am Called Red - Orhan Puduik (I think) - murder mystery set in the 15th century in Bagdad, weird but very cool.
Paradise Lost - Milton

So, actually fewer books on the go than usual.

42. What are you listening to right now?
Right now? BBC News 24. Generally listening to atm: The Shins

43. How many tattoos do you have?
None - although the idea of a small tree-frog between the shoulder-blades would be pretty cool.

44. How many pets do you have?
None (having evicted the mouse at long-last)

45. What would you like to accomplish before you die?
Overcoming my fear of heights, write a book, move to South Africa or New Zealand, own a vinyard.

46. What's on your mouse pad?
Don't have a mouse-pad, only one of the on-lap-top-sensor-pad-things - and it doesn't work all that well (rather like the rest of the lap-top)

47. What is your favorite board game?
Trivial Persuits

48. Favorite smell?
Depends on the season: Summer - warm, freshly cut grass
Autumn - frost and bonfires
Winter - cold, frosty air
Spring - the garden after the rain

49. Least favorite smell?
Erm, anything unpleasant - like vomit or rotting fruit.

50. Favorite colors?
Purple, deep green, black, blue

51. Least favorite color?
Yellow - seriously, it's just utterly pointless except in the creation of green.

52. Future (or first) child's name?
That's making some fairy stupendous assumptions. I guess if I had to choose then Peter (for a boy, obviously) because we already have 4 Peters in the family and it would add to the confussion ;)

53. What is most important in life?
Living in the moment as well as for the future.

54. Do you like to drive fast?
Can't say that I've ever driven very fast, but that was on the basis that mums car could barely get above 50mph ;)

55. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, I find stuffed aminals a bit creepy really.

56. What's under your bed?
Nothing

57. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be?
Freud - just to ask "WTF, dude?", or Bruno Latour, for the same reason.

58. Okay, someone alive...?
Clive Owen ;) Or possibly Noel Castree - I want to know how he publishes so many articles every year?!

59. Storms: cool or scary?
Cool! Oh so cool! :D

60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chuck Norris.

Meh

2008-04-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Handed in essay of doom and now want to go out and do fun stuff, but no one seems to be around or replying to texts etc :( Bit depressing actually.

In the computing labs once more...

2008-04-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

http://xkcd.com/412/

Clearly stolen from an episode of The Moomins... ;) Or perhaps I just know too much about random childrens cartoons... perhaps...

On a differant note: I caught a mouse this morning! With my own hands! (Well, not with hands cause that'd be a bit gross - caught it with a box). Little bastard has been preventing my poor flatmate from sleeping so we decided to move the wardrobe to check if that was where it/they were hiding - nothing there, but I turned around to see a mouse sitting on a pile of stuff! Cheeky little devil was watching us and probably having a bit of a laugh to itself at the fuss it was creating. So I grabbed a box and scooped it up before it had a chance to scarper (having said that it looked a bit sleepy and drousy so I doubt it would have been going anywhere fast anyway). I took it outside and popped in on the ground at the top of the garden. It shivered a bit and moved slowly off toward the bushes - hopefully a cat'll catch it and it won't be making a repeat appearance in Chez 291. Thinking of borrowing a cat from someone and keeping it in the flat for a few hours to see whether it can catch anything or at least make the place smell sufficiently of cat to make the mice emigrate promptly!

Ah well, best get on with some reading now. Have a busy weekend socially and an essay to finish and ethics assessment to finish for Monday (hopefully) then an exam to start revising for and a portfolio to complete - fun fun.

Londinium

2008-04-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a wee while since I last wrote anything of any relevance to anyone other than myself (bad teenage angst - down!), so in order to sort this problem I shall summerise my trip to The Big Smoke.

Friday
Caught the train down to Kingscross from Waverly around 11am. Fairly uneventful journey with a minor delay due to a stupid lorry driver catching his/her vehicle in overhead power cables at a level crossing; Am I the only one who thinks what it takes a great lack of intelligence to manage that feat? Got into Kings Cross around 4pm and then started worrying about how I was ever going to find my way out to Victoria station (note: I had been to London once before when I was very young, so had no idea about what to expect from transport etc). Successfully navigated the tube and Victoria Station and caught the train out to West Malling where I was staying at Simons place that evening. The countryside around there is very beautiful - it reminds me of home quite a lot, so the train journey was rather nice in terms of scenery. Si picked me up from the station and we spent the rest of the day chatting, went for a walk and had a meal with his family. T'was quite a long tiring day, but fun and a bit of an adventure (and I love train journeys, so it wasn't too bad).

Saturday
Got up quite late and had breakfast with Si before we headed back in to London. Took a trip on the DLR out to Stratford (we were aiming to go and see The Globe but got the wrong Stratford apparently) and back before meeting up with Lou. We wandered around a bit in Westminster area and St James' park before hunting for somewhere to have a coffee and dry off - monsoon season had struck London it would seem! Ended up in a Starbucks (bluegh) and sat chatting for a couple of hours. I was struck by just how many Globalisationbucks there are in London - silly numbers, and several on the same road. (On a side-note; one of the damn places has opened on South Clerk St here in Edinburgh - that makes at least 4 within 15-20 mins walk of eachother - bah!). Si headed off a bit later to his brothers place and Lou caught the bus home, and I went to Leicester Square to meet up with Doug, Cat and Zara. We met up and had something to eat and a chat; was rather shocked by Cat's bluntness I have to say. She was very forward in asking personal questions and suffers from what is commonly known as 'Overshare Syndrome'. Also discovered that various bits of gossip had made their way to London unexpectedly (thanks Stu) and seemed (at least to Cat) to be good topics of conversation...hmmm. Was not overly impressed by her, but that is all I shall say on the subject. Zara headed off to see her parents while the rest of us contemplated going to see a comedy show, but ended up being to lethargic to give it any real thought and went back to Doug's place and watched TV for a bit before sleeping (3 in the bed was a little cozy really - and no, it was all perfectly innocent before you ask).

Sunday
Another late start - bit through no choice of mine. Someone, who shall remain nameless, took for-bloody-ever getting ready (incidently, walking around in very see-through underwear in a room with a person you don't know is called 'exhibitionism' for future reference - possibly also 'attention seeking'). Left my stuff at Dougs place because the rucksack seemed to somehow get heavier and heavier over the weekend with nothing being added! We headed up to Camden Market for a look around and for Cat to meet her friend Polly: it was eclectic and busy and touristy (for the most part) but a lot of fun (p.s. if anyone is looking for a birthday present for me may I suggest the Space Invaders LED t-shirt from Cyberdog - tres tres cool!). Had some breakfast (crepps - yum!) and looked around: got some earings for myself and for Gesine for her birthday. We then headed out to St Pancaras to see Cat off and had lunch (crepe again - goats cheese!). Cat got the train, Polly disappeared, and Doug and I went to meet Lou and Claire at the British Museum. We got so terribly lost on the way there - my guide book apparently felt no need to include such things as major roads etc, so it was around 4pm by the time we got there and because Lou got lost too she arrived at around 4.45pm, 15mins before the place closed lol! Having successfully failed to see much we all piled back towards town to find some dinner and Claire went home (chest infection). This came in the form of Mexican street food from Wahaca in Covent Garden area. Seriously good stuff! and their Wahaca Mules (drink) are to die for :D Was pretty stuffed after that so we wandered around to find a quiet pub for a drink: we found The Sussex. The Sussex is basicly Doctors except in London. Was quite reassuring in this sea of confussion to find a pub where it was quite possible that everyone might actually know your name! I had been due to go back to Lou's that evening, but because my stuff was at Dougs place it ended up being much simpler just to go back there, and we duely did. Watched Dodgeball - not as bad as I had expected.

Monday
The alarm went of hellishly early but we didn't need to be leaving until 11am (Doug was heading out to Austria with Google for a conference). Watched the news, got washed and changed then went out for breakfast to a place up the road. It was nice just to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine while eating toast and watching the world go by. We wandered back to pick up stuff then up to the tube station. We said our goodbyes at Green Park and I continued on to Westminster to change to get the Northern line to Blackfriars to meet Jordan for lunch (yes, all I did all weekend is eat apparently!). It was a nice but brief lunch (he was on his lunch break from work) and we had a chance to catch up - I do miss him a lot, as I miss all my friends in that neck of the woods. That over I hopped on the tube (getting good at it by this point - God bless Oyster Cards) to meet Helen at Charing Cross Station. Another round of coffee ensued and two hours of chat before wandering around a bit aimlessly. We met up with Lou again at Leicester Square and went to get show tickets - Avenue Q!!!!!! Got pretty good seats for £20. Popped out for dinner (not that I really needed it!) before hand then headed back to The Noel Coward Theatre for 8pm. The show was superbe and so funney; I had known the music for a while, but the show itself was something else - go see it!!!!! That done we saw Helen off at the station before Lou and I caught the bus to her place. Slept as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Tuesday
Lou was up and out reasonably early, and I was out not long afterwards to head for Kings Cross. Got there a bit early - just in time for a power-shortage in the main concourse, so had to listen out for the announcement of train times instead. Got on the train quickly then got a text from Helen to say that she was at KC too, so she popped up to say cheerio before she caught her train to Hull. The trip back was uneventful but I got some work done at least.
Got home, unpacked, showered, made a cake, did a clothes wash before heading up to Tim's for dinner at 7pm. Was a nice chilled-out evening and he's a lovely boy :)

Right, so that was probably a more detailed summery than either you or I was expecting. the trip was good fun, and I reckon that should work take me to London in the future then I think I could probably handle it. Truth be told I really rather liked it after the pace of Edinburgh. And I would be able to see a lot of my close friends who I miss a lot when I'm up here. It's something to consider anyway.

The next few days have in store: 2 deadlines, a hen party, lunch and coffee with various people, pool, pub quiz and possibly the farmers market - will see. Busy busy :)

MP3 fun

2008-04-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

Just rediscovered a band I listened to for a long time - ah, the joy of the 'random fill player' option for my MP3 player. I know I promised that there would be no more emotional crap here, but this isn't really - it just defines how I think relationships should be. This isn't a context specific post btw - just random 1.15am post.

'Til the Day that I Die - Easyworld

And the churches won't stretch up through tarmac,
Fly-overs
The city don't smell like they said in the brochure.
It's no longer surprising
When lovers and lawyers they lie.
But I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.

Well we've had our problems,
but hey hasn't everyone?
As soon as they've gone we'll just drag in another one.
I can see that you're sad
That you say there's, a lash in your eye.
And I'd gladly put up with your shit 'til the day that I die.

Yeah well.

I get the feeling I'm,
Just not cut out for this.
All strategies hidden agendas and politics.
If we can stand before
Legions of enemies, just you and I.
Then I'd gladly put up with this shit 'til the day that I die.

'Til the day that I die,
On the day that I die. ('til the day that I die)

(Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all, and
Oohh,
They will not hurt me at all.) x2

2008-04-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm sorry to anyone who has been reading my blog of late - it has been filled up with stupid emotional crap, and has failed to be in any way entertaining at all. Shall endevour only to write emotionally-relevant stuff in the future if it's important or funny. (well, I'll try). Was reading a blog recently that was almost completely based on this persons love life or lack therefore etc and I couldn't help but think - 'why would anyone want to read this?' and I really don't want that to be what mine is like. I have a diary for all the unnecesary emotional nonsense that has no place here.

Sorry for an inconveniance caused. ;)

2008-04-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

I hate my brain. No, I hate the bit of my brain that makes me think that something could be differant in one specific situation had I done something differantly. No, stupid bit of brain, no it couldn't. Deal with it cause the rest of the brain has and that's final.

But...but... NO! Goddam no! Get over it already.

*little bit of brain whimpers pitifully*

Think that bit of my brain that I just killed may have taken the last little bit of Romantic left in me with it. Meh. It only caused trouble anyway.

Common sense is a wonderful thing, but doesn't really make up for the lose of the bit of me that still actually believed in romance, that it was possible and not just a chemically induced delusion. I hate reality. It sucks.

Fnurp

2008-03-31T12:14:00.000-07:00

Bored and could do with a hug - bit loney at the moment and feel kinda isolated in Edinburgh now. I really feel like I need to get out of here now and make a new start elsewhere - do something new somewhere else. I don't know. Just hit a bit of a low-swing and could do with being elsewhere for a while. Perhaps it's just work getting on top of me; I mean, it's not as if I don't have a lot going for me at the moment - course is going well, and I just got some very posative feedback from the conference, I'm seeing a couple of very nice guys, I'm generally in quite a positive place mentally. But for some reason I just don't feel like I belong here any more - I just feel like I'm waiting for something else to begin, like I'm stuck somewhere I don't really want to be anymore.

The Good, the not-so-bad, and the unsuprising

2008-03-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

Starting with the good: went out to see a film with a nice young gentleman on Wednesday evening :) T'was fun and had a nice evening just chatting over a couple of beers. We're going out to dinner on Tuesday - looking forward to it!
Seeing another nice young man on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which should be interesting.
I'm really kinda weirded out by the whole dating thing - it seems quite alien to me in some respects because I've never done it before. The past few weeks have thrown me slightly; I spent most of my young-adult years as one of the geeky crowd (ie too interested in study to be of interest to guys), then I got to uni and was then in the same relationship for nearly 4 years, and now I've been asked out 4 times in the past week and a half :S Not complaining, but still getting used to it!
On the unsuprising front; didn't get the uni scholarship I went for, but will be reapplying through the ESRC in May - being posative :)

Misc.

2008-03-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Now that I've written the title I honestly cannot think what to write other than there was lots of it a moment ago and now it has all gone...hmmm....
Shall start and ramble from there:

The Conference: This happened last Monday (17th) and was a conference of the entire Postgraduate research department for Geosciences (GIS, HG, EEO, the lot basicly); the 'scientists' have held one every year, but this was the first time Human Geography had been invited to join in. It was a good idea, and a very enlightening experiance for all involved - possibly myself most of all! As a taught MSc student I am basicly the lowest of the low, and in reality I didn't have to present at all, but me being me I thought 'It'll be good experiance and will help highlight the weaknesses in my arguement (for my dissertation'. It was possibly the most stressful yet rewarding experiance of my life! All the angst and late nights for 20 minutes of rambling about theory. My presentation went better than I expected and I got some pretty positive feedback (this may have had something to do with my low-cut dress - doing the cause of Feminism a world of good...). I got so nervous before hand that I calmed myself down by helping set up the poster stands with Caroline (our postgrad secretary) just so I wasn't thinking about the presentation. When it actually got to the real deal I was fine; I just did what I'd do when about to go on stage - shoulders back, stomach in, and a deep breath. Works every time :)
The Mikado: This happened the week prior to the conference. I agreed to FoH a couple of nights, and thoroughly enjoyed the show and just hanging out with Savoy again. Obviously after the break up with Chris I didn't think it was fair to continue with Savoy (at least for a while) cause it's really his thing rather than mine. All went well, except for the night that one of the chorus girls hurt her foot/leg falling down some steps and needed to be taken to A'n'E. That was a good week, and helped to put some stuff into perspective. Oh, and went and saw Juno - great film :) Didn't stop smiling for hours.
I've been on a couple of date-type-things recently: they've been fun, but neither of the guys were anything like 'my type' (what ever that is) but it's still fun to chat to randoms from time to time. And have another on Wednesday :)
I've booked my train tickets to London to visit the folks down at that end of the country - really really looking forward to it :)
Teaching is going well - starting to really quite enjoy it! (No, I don't want to consider it as a career prospect, before you ask -too short tempered)
Should probably be writing essay of doom right now rather than blogging, but cannot sum up the energy to care!

Right, I'll probably remember more stuff in the near future - shall update when I do.

Just remebered: Felt really bad about how I've behaved toward one of my lecturers. I've not been unpleasant or anything, but she scares the bejesus out of me cause she's really very intense and a bit brash. I only really discovered in a social setting that this is really because she's very insecure - she doesn't show it, she just over-compensates and doesn't vary her behaviour. Shall try and make an effort to be nice and try not to think that she thinks that I'm a bit dense (although that's how I feel around her).
Something I did recently has been playing on my mind a fair bit, and I can't work out whether I've hurt someone I've not even met, and wouldn't wish ill to, just by being indirectly connected to them? It kinda sucks; but I guess the reality is that we all hurt people we don't know, and they'll never know it was us. I'm not even talking at an economic scale or anything; just the ways in which we shape other people and their behaviour and actions. I guess I was on the recieving end of that with D. Wow - that was a bit heavy.
Things with D. are better now - still haven't hung out much but I'm ok now, and comfortable enough being around him with other people. The past few weeks have been stressfull and difficult in so many ways, but I think I've moved on.

Later:
Oh Gods. You know when you just start thinking about something, not seriously, but just playing about with an idea in your head and all of a sudden it starts looking like a really really good idea? Oh dear - I really hope this thought doesn't plan on hanging around cause it can only ever lead to trouble! And not the good kind either. Dammit. If I actually thought about my actions rather than rush headlong into things then do the thinking afterwards then I wouldn't find myself in this kind of quandry.

Here we are again...

2008-03-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

So, yet another weekend finds me in the Geography department computing labs, trying to ignore the loud little undergrads and not faff too much on Facebook. Seriously, much more chatter and I'm going to pin someone to the wall with something sharp and unpleasant! I kid not...
I'm doing last minute editing on my conference presentation - should have really finished it by now, but me being me, I have as usual left it to the last minute. The problem is that I really have no idea what they're expecting from me: the main criticism I got on my practise presentation was that I was pitching the theory a little high. Should really have done this ages ago, but c'est la vie.
I'm fairly nervous about Monday: I know I shouldn't be cause I do know my stuff, and it's meant to be a supportative environment, but I'm still feaking out! And I just cannot concentrate on work full stop - bah!
Considering going to watch the rugby with Maya and the guys at 5pm, but still not sure quite whether I'm going to deal with seeing D. yet. I think I'm mostly ok, and should be fine, but my hormones have a mind of their own, especially lately. Will go along and see - goodness knows I'll need a break from work at some point this evening, so may as well kill two birds with one stone.
Looking forward to meeting up with Rach tomorrow; it'll be a brief coffee as I'll be practising for Monday.
Oh Monday evening will be fun - post-conference celebrations combined with St Patrick's day! Woot!

:)

2008-03-13T10:44:00.001-07:00

Hehe ;)

Bungee

2008-03-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

This past week I might as well have been attached to a bungee-rope; I've been free-falling then bouncing back since last Sunday. I can't even tell how I'm going to be from one hour to the next. I'm distracted for hours on end, then I'm super-focused and positive, and then I can't see the point. I've had pretty bad mood-swings in the past, but I can't ever remember such a prolonged cycle, or with such marked highs and lows. I keep thinking that I'm ok and capable of dealing with anything, and then breaking down into a little heap on the floor because I can't find a specific cup. I haven't been able to sleep, I'm constantly cold and eating has been sporadic at best. This is just the worst possible timing for what-ever-this-is.
At least there have been positives as well as negatives, but it the going from the high to the low that's the bitch. I keep thinking that maybe it would be best if I went to see someone about this, but most of the time I just think that I'll be fine if I ignore it, or I just feel like I'm acting like an idiot. The problem is that if I see someone, then the chances are I'll be prescribed stuff, and that's a route I'm just not willing to go down.
Ideally, I'd just like to get back to some sort of stable level, be that good or bad, and then I can work from there rather than not knowing how I'm going to be ten minutes from now.

Positive, capital P.

2008-03-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been pretty stressful really. I decided, for some unknown reason, that clearly I didn't have enough to do (why oh why!) so decided to submit a last-minute PhD application for funding. I've written it, and it's pretty much ready to go - deadline being tomorrow at 4pm. I'm quite enthused about the topic I've chosen, and the research proposal sounds ok, so I'll see how it goes. I fully expect to be turned down for this round of funding awards, but at least it gives me time to rewrite and tailor the research proposal in time for the ESRC funding competitions in May. I'm not the only one who decided to do it either, which is good anyway. Besides, as soon as it's out of my hands, then that is that. Now I can get some sleep again and concentrate on stuff that really counts atm!

03:50

2008-03-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm awake and I don't want to be, but I can't sleep. The inevitable happened this evening, and although I've seen it coming for over a month now it doesn't stop the hurt. Everything feels raw. 90% of me is upset and confused and blaming myself that it happened, but fortunately the 10% that actually counts is keeping a lid on it. I can't afford to think about it, it just makes things seem worse. I'm a big girl and I can handle this - but this is new territory for me and I don't know the way. I just can't help but think how unfair it is; this isn't my fault, it's the result of someone else being honest about how they feel and I'm just the recipiant of the upshot. Gods - it's so ironic that I've been reading Rebecca these past few days.
I feel numb, and raw, hurt, and tired. I know that this is better for me, and I won't waste time wondering if he might choose to remember my existance today or not; I won't be wasting my time on someone who can't make it worth it.
It's 04:02 now, and I don't feel any more like sleeping. I could do some work - just not bother going back to sleep (even if it were possible)- but I can already see the huge bags under my eyes, and I know I need to tutor later, so I can't afford to stay up really. That's me - always the one to consider other people's interests before my own, always the one to try and see both sides of the story. I'm just not set-up in such a way as to be able to lash-out or make someone truely suffer; instead I internalise every problem/slight/hurt and put on a brave face and try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I'm always the one who is there when others get hurt, and they never see that I'm hurting too.
I had a good cry when I got back, and I think that's why I managed to get any sleep at all, but I'm all cryed-out now, and I'm all-too awake.
Tried listening to music earlier, but my MP3 player kept coming up with such ironic hits as : Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
My Lover's Gone - Dido
and, I'm not That Girl - from Wicked
someone, somewhere, thinks they're being very funny. Need to fill my player with upbeat stuff if I'm to avoid randomly breaking down on my way to the office.
So, in conclusion: if you are reading this (you know who you are) you'll understand what I mean when I say "May you live forever".

Cuteness

2008-03-01T05:32:00.001-08:00

http://www.xkcd.com/150/

*awwwww*

End of the week

2008-02-29T02:08:00.001-08:00

The past few days have ranged from the bloody brilliant to the truely bizzare.

1) I found out that a friend got married last Saturday, but is keeping the whole thing quite (so shalln't even hint who it is) but I'm looking forward to meeting their new spouse soon
2) A friend from high school is to be a mother in September!
3) The Scottish government has abolished graduate endowment fees for Scottish students :D Bloody delighted that I'm not going to be a further £2000 in debt!
4) The Regent Language School in Edinburgh, where they found the radioactive material the other day, was one of the places I applied to last Summer for a job, and they had actually offered me a job, but I turned them down.

yeah, so that's a few things which have kept me on my toes the past few days!

Panic! (Unfortunately, not at the disco)

2008-02-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

I've been looking at my schedual for the next few weeks and am really bloody nervous now!

4th March - submit draft confrence presentation for supervisor's feedback
5th March - submit confrence presentation abstract for the programme
6th March - Submit outline for 5,000 word essay
10th March - practise run-through of presentation with other postgrads
17th March - Presentation day! Arg! Also known as Armagedon
25th March - 2,500 word essay and 5,000 word essay due
then a bit of a gap...
21st April - Submit 2,500 word essay

And other various activities around this time include: The Mikado, a trip of London (hopefully), continue with dissertation work, there's an exam at some point in May, a confrence in Leeds, a social life.

ARG!

Spring is here!

2008-02-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

I only just noticed that it's coming up for dinner time and it's still light outside! Huzzah! Goodbye winter :)

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T03:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines day to everyone :) Cheesy, yes, but heck - why not? xxx

:)

2008-02-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hehe - smiling quite a lot now. Should work now, but brain is now occupied by trying to dredge up a certain memory which I am told exists but I cannot at the moment remember (dammit!) Ok, shall actually do some work now. Looking forward to The Mikado now :)

:'(

2008-02-06T15:28:00.001-08:00

I need a hug.

Mmmm, coffee...

2008-02-04T01:13:00.000-08:00

Coffee is now my bestest friend ever :) I've decided to give up carbonated soft drinks for Lent: I realise that I drink far too much Diet Coke and I don't even think about it when I buy a can or glass. So, this is partly a test to see if I can give up DC, but also part of a wider project: considering my consumerism. I'm increasingly aware of the fact that I tend to buy consumer products, generally food-stuff, without too much thought about why I buy specific goods. This may sound very introspective and a bit angsty, but it's an upshot of the academic side of my life: in my work I am forced to consider questions of lifestyle, especially in my dissertation where I will be exploroing the impact of the media upon the spreading of an environmental ethos through retail. This was brought to mind specifically through the impact upon sales at Lush while I worked there and the TV programme 'How Toxic are You?': I was suprised by how many people came in an asked 'Does this product have X,Y or Z in it? I don't want products with these chemicals in because I've heard that they are bad for you.' I'm not just talking one or two people either, there were dozens! So, I wondered how this might be applied to an environmental agenda in a similar context: ie cosmetic retail. We can see the effects on the animal testing market since the 1980s, but can this be applied to the environmental project? I would argue that it can, but I don't have time atm to discuss it - shall do it next time I update I guess.

In other news: I applied to The Edinburgh Group recently. This is a student society in the lines of The Berkley Group, where students are trained as consultants pro bono for not-for-profit groups. I have a meeting this afternoon. I'm not sure whether anything I know or can do will be of any good, but if so then I'm glad to be doing something to benefit others which takes advantage of my abilities, plus it's interesting from a social-justice perspective.
Am holding a pancake party tomorrow - yum :)
Have to nominate my supervisor for my dissertation by Wednesday - eep!
Went and saw Cloverfield the otherday - was very very cool and extreemly original.

Later:
Had my meeting with the TEG people: it went well I think :) Shall hopefully be getting a call tomorrow afternoon. And also have a reply from a tutoring job I applied for :) Have a meeting tomorrow at 3pm! Woot! Which means that I potentially have a job again - and paid at £11 p/h which is rather nice. If I get it I'll be tutoring a 16 year old for his/her Higher Geography exam in May, and it will be around 3-4hrs per week, which suits me perfectly.

Geography for geography's own sake?

2008-01-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

Further to my rather academic-angst outbust yesterday.

I realise that I am not, by any long shot, the only person to have questioned my reasons for doing what I do - infact there is a fair body of literature which deals specifically with the idea of relevance. Today's seminar, and the discussion of the papers that had caused my little mental implosion, have managed to calm me down somewhat: everyone else had run into a similar question at some point, this was to be expected if you are genuinly thinking about the point of your work. Small mental implosions seem to be an up-shot of Geographical research, it would seem (further reinforcing my thorough belief that Geographers are the Emo-kids of the academic world).

However, with that came the REAL realisation: What IS my answer? Why AM I doing this?

Honestly, and somewhat cynically: my research training will give me better prospects of getting a job - purely and simply. Sad isn't it? I came into my MSc a few months ago with a very idealised vision of what I would achieve: my work would be relevant, and would actively contribute to debate. And now...well...things change: my work deals with minuta of lifestyle, and doesn't tackle any big topics, not really. It will probably be a very competant piece of work, but will have very little merit beyond that.

So, here's what I would like to propose to all academics: be normative and progressive! Think about how things ought to be and propose ways of getting there: social justice, remember? Don't get so bogged down in the world of red-tape which governs universities and academia in general - remember what your passions are and use those passions to help change the world. That's what all this is about, right?

Research for research's own sake?

2008-01-28T05:11:00.000-08:00

Of late I have come to question much of what I know, or suppose to know, about Geography as a research area. Through my own reading, research and interaction with fellow Geographers, and those who work outwith this area, I had concluded that Geography in it's various guises (economic, social, cultural, marxist, feminist, post-radical, to name but a few sub-disciplines) is a socio-economic meltingpot; a crossroads of sorts, linking and interconnected with every other research area imaginable by virtue of the simple fact that all human activity and endevour is spacial. I used to imagine Geography, or rather the action of 'doing' Geography, was part of an over-arching project of information desemination, and aiming toward greater social justice. But gradually I have come to loose my faith in the reality of this project: much of what I read seems to be research for research's own sake. There is a lot of highlighting of problems and inequity, but very few 'solutions' or blue-prints for progress being advanced: for example, I recently read a paper discussing the issue of reflexivity in research which made me really think about how inward-looking Geography as a discipline has become. It is all very well to think about research methodology, but there are much, much bigger issues at stake. Where has the radical streak of the 1960s-70s gone; where is the revolutionary fire? In other words - where does the minuta of research methodology impact upon social justice?

I am not saying, any means, that research into methodology hasn't got a place in geographical research - indeed in terms of helping us regulate research and maintain the rigour we strive towards, it is very helpful - but somewhere along the line we have lost our way and become bogged down in the detail, rather than striving toward changing the big picture. Especially as an undergrad I noticed that the 'teaching' within the Geography and Politics was just that - teaching: we were not encouraged to think radically and engage in the discourse studied: we were encouraged to examine the debates and know the relative strengths and weaknesses of each facate, but not to think beyond the discourse and actually engage with the 'big picture'.

As an MSc student I question the validity of my own reasearch: Why am I interested in ethics and retail, and who will my research benefit, either directly or indirectly? To the best of my knowledge; I have no idea, and no one seem to be the answers. I'm not even sure I can write my dissertation as part of a wider debate on life styles vs. 'moral duty': my research skills are just not up to the challenge, nor do I really think that I have sufficient insight to make my research relavent in any other sector. Ultimately I feel a bit like I am standing at the cross-roads of research, but with no where to go: just standing there seems to have become an end in itself.

As per usual...

2008-01-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that women were designed with a deliberate flaw which proves that God is indeed male: we were designed with the fundamental flaw of 'emotion'. It is a dirty trick which makes women vulnerable to the most stupid of feelings and ideas, and we are in no way in control of how we are affected. God has given men an unfair advantage in this respect: not that they are (for the most part...) without emotions, but some how they are less swayed by them. Bloody hormones. Dirty trick I tell you. Ok, maybe it's just PMS speaking, but I feel women have generally been given the fuzzy end off the lollipop: I'd like to see your average guy deal with the mood swings, irrational emotions, obsessive thoughts and cramps once a month! Bah!

(Yeah, ok - there are lots of exceptions to this statement - and yes, I could be accused of generalization)

Bleugh

2008-01-08T05:53:00.000-08:00

My brain has turned into some sort of mush - think it must be the post-food slump...bleugh...

Once more, with feeling...

2007-12-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

Here we are again. I haven't written since September - infact I don't think I've looked at my blog since September! Tut tut! However, I've been keeping a diary, so I think that makes up for it - just anyone who reads this can't see it (might transcribe it at a later date).

As recompence, I'll make an 'executive summery' of the past couple of months:
-Started back at uni on my MSc Environment, Culture and Society course, and have developed a love of economic theory - wonderful combo of social theory and mathematics :)
- Birthday happened: went out to Bar Khol again, fun was had, and was taken out for dinner by Chris whereupon I was suprised to see loads of friends waiting at the place- very enjoyable evening.
- Have been asked to do press stuff for next years Fringe show - have agreed as I enjoyed this years experiance, and have learned lots from it.
- Broke up with Chris: it has needed to happen for a while now, and think it'll be better for both of us in the long term
- Was taken on as a Christmas temp for Lush: loving working there! Managed to sell 3 of the £100 gifts in one day, and was given one myself for doing so well :) (And I love my 50% discount!)
- Had various differant flat meals, including a Christmas meal - all very successful and great fun - who knew vegan food could be so yummy?!
- Home for Christmas: mmmmmm, food ;) Got a 6 month subscription to The Economist from the Grandparents - very very happy about this! And Pete gave me a membership to the Cameo cinema - I love the place, but go there so rarely - hopefully this will be an inducment to go more often.
- Bathroon at the flat was misbehaving again :( Going to have to renovate the whole thing in the new year
-The flat has a mouse - little b*****d...
- Had a little kidney infection - all sorted out now
- I've lost over 2 stone this year :) Intend to continue the good work in 2008
- Obviously there's a lot more, but I can't remeber it right now - will probably update this later.

So, 2007 has taught me an awful lot, most of all just how lucky I am: I have a loving family, a wonderful group of friends, I have access to a great education, I have the capacity to take advantage of all opertunities that come my way, I have great prospects for the future and the aspiration to achieve the most I can. But I've also come to realise a great number of my failings: I never fully appreciate what I have until it's too late, I'm lazy and unmotivated, I don't express my gratitude to those I love often enough, I don't ask enough questions or pursue my curiousity to any great lengths. In the new year, I intend to work on these failings - these are not resolutions by any means - but a general set of guidelines to pursue.

So, more generally my resolutions are to: continue the good work on the weight-loss front, show those that I love my gratitude more often, return to writing more regularly (not just in my blog and diary), take risks and don't automatically assume that what I want is unobtainable, and (yes, very teenage-angsty) work out what I want from my life and relationships.

Starting the good work: to my friends who read this, thank you for your support, thankyou for your love, and thank you for being there when I need you - you are all amazing :) (ok, vomit inducing moment over).

I shall return, hopefully in the near future - until then: don't think about orange penguins.

p.s. Try not to build hopes without foundations

2007-09-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

I'm back to the old procrastination thing again - sitting at my desk doing nothing while I should in fact be doing A LOT of work - I'm rubbish.

Here's to new beginings

2007-09-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

So the first few days of my new degree have gone by: It's still the induction week, but I've registered and met the faculty, signed up to courses, been to the sports and societies fairs, been to intorductory lecture and done my job, as well as meeting soooo many new people. It's exciting but scarey at the same time!

Wow! 4 years gone already!

2007-09-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

I caught the bus back from having coffee with a friend this morning, and in doing so went past Pollock Halls of residence: it's rather frightening to think that four years ago to the day I was moving my stuff into my new room, hoping that I'd make lots of friends etc. In some respects I'm jealous of the freshers because they have so much ahead of them, and they'll be experiancing being away from home for the first time, but at the same time I'm glad I won't be doing that this time, inspite of theoretically being a Fresher - I am still nervous about making friends obviously, but at the same time I'm confident that I will be making the absolute most of this year. I register tomorrow - it's come around so quickly!
Gesine and Sally are now properly moved in and I'm pretty sure it's going to go well, and that we'll have a fairly harmonious flat (with lots of tea drinking!) because we'll all be in the same boat. We'll all be at the PG induction seminar on Tuesday for certain, so at least we'll all know each other at least! Gesine's boyfriend, Dan, is staying with us until Tuesday - he's very pleasant and I love his car! It's fab!
Pub quiz tonight - huzzah! Get to catch up with Lou, who's up for a few days :)
Right, I need to do some work!

Blah!

2007-09-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, my head is all over the place today - I'm in one of my down-swings and it hurts too much. I'm being horrid to Chris, I feel like crying every couple of hours, I'm loosing weight but I feel like an utter pig, my emotions are running mad - one minute happy then next in a raging passion of anger. All the while I can't have a proper arguement with anyone at all and I'm just itching for a proper fight - I who hate confrontation longing for a fight. Continually iritated, on edge but having to keep my temper continually! It's utterly perverse yet typical - I blame the Spanish genes in the family.

Fireworks!

2007-09-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

They were awesome! Pretty pretty colours plus great music, friends and a cold beer - it was a good evening :D

My second Freshers week starts a week tomorrow :S My liver is only just begining to recover from the Fringe - I'm not sure it's ready for the on-slaught that is FW2!

I think I may have a wisdom tooth coming through - it hurts a lot.

To the guy who nearly hit me while reversing his car earlier: F*%k you a%%-£(%e!

One of my new flatmates has moved her stuff in and moves in properly next weekend, as does Gesine :) I can't wait to have flatmates again!

I miss all my friends who have moved to London :( This year is gonna be wierd cause I'll have to do the "make friends with everyone" thing, but at least I'm older and a little wiser!

The next EUSOG GandS has been anounced: The Mikado! I have a feeling I may be tempted to make one final appearance on-stage... watch this space... (well, not this one literally, but you know what I mean!)

Edinburgh Festival Fringe: The Finale

2007-08-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

20/08
Work, inspite of feeling really rather ill, went ok and I have finally taken over my role as stationary-tyrant-in-chief. Not sure whether I can be bothered going out tonight, but I reckon if I get a couple of hours sleep this pm then I should be ok. Hmmm, sleep is good. Oh, damn, forgot about the form-filling and uni reading I need to do too :( Probably should do them first.

Later:
Well, we didn't even get nominated for any of the catagories of the MTM:UK awards! I'm utterly speechless and depressed - I just can't believe that a production which I believe to be as good as it can be was passed over in favour of other, rather rubbish productions (not just being rude - it've seen a couple of them) which are not even really 'musicals' per se. I just do not understand what happened. I really feel like crying because the review was good with staging being the only criticism - I just didn't think that it was serious enough for them not even to nominate it. The real bugger is that judges may nominate shows which are only showing in the third week and they haven't even seen! Seriously! I can't help but feel that someone has put a curse on the show. We also recieved our invite for the Edinburgh Evening News Amature Drama Awards: Thom Dibdin (of the 2* fame) gave two other local groups 4* (Tempo, who probably deserve it, and a primary school group, who he wouldn't dare insult for fear of alienating potential readership), so I really don't hold out much faith for getting anything when you combine it with the 3* review from Forth FM (who gave Almost Haunted 4* when everyone else slated it) - and one of the 5 judges had to drop out, so it would take two 5* reviews from the other two judges to even get us considered. My money is on the primary school production to sweep the board - damn 'cute' factor. Now I remember why I hate the Fringe.

21/08
Another day at work - ho hum. Didn't do anything terribly interesting before the show. The show itself went ok, inspite of some rather serious on-stage f**k-ups (the audience didn't notice though, so that's ok) - the audience were pretty posative and seemed to enjoy the production. Celia, Heather and her Chris, and Simon were all in the audience, which was nice (caught Simon checking out the lighting a few times during the show - tut tut ;D). Went out to Bedlam for a while after, but didn't really feel like it so went home not long after Chris.

22/08
It's about 20 days til term starts, so am really starting to feel excited about starting uni again :) Went to WHSmith and picked up stationary stuff for the start of term (it's rather sad how excited I get about choosing new notebooks - it's a problem!) But before that can happen, I must really fill-in the forms for the registry and send them off, plus do a number of other things before tomorrow. This afternoon my Mum and one of her friends are up to see some shows so will be coming along to Guilds later (poor Mum - I called her this morning and she was having a little fit: the dish-washer has died...rather messily...), as will a few people for the firm I work for :S Really cannot afford to mess up like we did last night!

23/08
Just back from work - nothing interesting to report apart from that I got to see the picture that Andrew bought for his wife's birthday: it was a beautiful Scottish sunset over Mull, and it managed to captured the peculier opalesance of the light there - very well executed indeed. Oh, and that I have a long weekend because there's a bank holiday on Monday :) So that means I can stay late at the cast party! Huzzah!
Last night's performance went very well - great audience and good energy from the cast. Went out to Bedlam (suprising, huh?) for a few drinks afterwards. Spent the evening chatting to a few people: was nice seeing Simon again, and of course, Lil' Stu.
It's a beautiful day so I think I'll go and read in the garden for a little while and wait for my costume to dry!

24/08
Today has been rather random in a number of ways - not obvious ways, just little odd things. Had a sleep-in til 11am (huzzah!), popped down to Sainsburys to get a shop, made soup and flapjack then went to get changed before the show. This may not seem terribly odd in itself, but I just cannot remember what I did with the rest of the time between afore mentioned activities! I have a feeling it may just be that my brain now runs an 'efficiency filter': it filters out the stuff I have no need of remebering and leaves me with the 'key points', as it were, to allow me to just get to the point (I'm not entirely certain the filter works correctly because getting to the point is still a bit of a challenge!). The show itself went quite well: we were recording it this evening, and there were no major cock-ups, which is good. The audience, alothough fairly large, were rather more mute than might have been desired, but in some respects this was a good thing because the amount of laughter we' ve had most evenings would mess with the recording. Afterwards, just to be original, we went out to Bedlam for drinks: pleasant evening with random chat - I popped of home around 1ish.
Bedlam last-night party on Saturday! Woot!

25/08
Not much happened during the day, but Chris and I went to see The Naked Voices - they were fantastic as ever :) Popped along to Bedlam briefly and ran into my Geography teacher from Highschool. Didn't do much else until the show - we had a great audience and they went completely nuts! Whooping and cheering - the works! It was a nice show - only one more to go :( Met up with Maya and Doug afterwards and we went to see the Imps then onto the Bedlam post-fringe party. It was ok, but for various reasons it wasn't as good as previous parties :( Oh well.

26/08
The last day of the Fringe for us :( Boo hoo! But fortunately we went out on a high: the audience were great! Whooping and cheering and all that jazz - we hadn't expected a good turn out or a particularaly responsive group, but we were in for a suprise and a lovely one at that :) Post-show we got all the set out and off to its appropriate destination before heading to Jenny's place for the party. The party was much more fun than I had expected given the previous evening: there a music, drinks and general merriment. I got the "I have a talent for public relations" Jelly Baby Award, as well as a cast photo and a jesters hat as my honoraria. Chris, Maya and I hung around til 4ish before heading home.

27/08 - Fringe Overview
All in all, it has been a very mixed Fringe: I've seen some very good shows, some not so good shows, had some late nights and some fun, but for the most part it has been a little flatter than the past three years. I'm glad I did the show because it was a fantastic show to go out on, and I learned a lot, but it is most certainly my last show on-stage. I am looking forward to a return to normality then the start of university.

Edinburgh Festival Fringe: Part the Second

2007-08-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

13/08
A day off :) Well, not off really as I did have work this morning, but I then met Maya, Heather and Chris at the FunFair for an afternoon of Bumpercars and candyfloss. It was good fun (and more expensive to go on rides than I remember - £2?! Am I just old because I remeber rides at 50p) and a bit of sun didn't go-amiss. We then headed up to Teviot (Guilded Balloon to non-Edinbuggers) so Gareth and Hazel could pick up tickets for that evening. The rest of us chilled out with a drink in the 'beer garden' overlooking the building site: there was a large explosion on-site which we reckon must have been a water pump giving up - there was no smoke but lots of 'rain'! We all headed up to Buffet King for a meal: Heather and I were being good and sticking to small portions of bad stuff with lots of veg. G and H went off to see the show, Chris went off to prepare for a job interview, Maya and Heather and I went back to my Chris' to watch DVDs for the evening. Yet again I didn't get to bed before 1am.

14/08
Work again - joy. Got back. Still tired - NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT! Will have proper meal for the first time in a week and sit back without anyone around :) I get to relax and not worry about anything re anyone else (ie Maya and Jay/Helen and Kim etc - It's not that I mind really, it's just added to the general stress level lately). But the bummer of the day was hearing that the Edinburgh Evening News gave us two stars for the show.

15/08
A day off :) Went to Scottish Slimmers meeting - lost another 0.5lb: not great, but still a loss. Met Heather and we popped down to the Lothian Busses office to pick up my bus card (since I'll be travelling back and forth to Stockbridge I reckon it'll be better value to get a bus card), then went to the bank to tell them that I'm still a student, so bloody well give me back my student account thank you very much! Had lunch at Black Medicine with Nick and Heather before heading back to the flat to meet Maya. Heather was telling me about her rather scarey ghostely experiances - she's not the sort of person to make stuff up, so I'm willing to believe what she says: I've always been rather cynical about peoples paranormal experiances, but with what she said combined with various other stories maybe there's something more to it. I'm almost jealous that I've never had any of these sorts of experiances.
Maya and I have been de-junking our flats so were taking everything to a charity shop (in my case because I'm sure my new flatmates will not want their new rooms filled with junk), took the recycling down to the centre at Sainsburys and got a shop. We pigged out on Pizza and Icecream and watched Shaun of the Dead: hope it's making her feel better. It's so irritating that Jay's behaving like an utter knob - I've never seen her so upset.

16/08
Last round of work today for the week - never have I felt so incompetant! It was just one of those days where everything seems to go wrong - stupid little things. But it was over soon enough and I spent the afternoon watching shows at Augustines. First went to see Meleoncolia down in the Studio: it was a fantasic anti-war play performed by a group of young American actors. The premis of the story is a young solider reviews his life up until the point where he has to make the decision: do I step off this chair and hang myself or do I carry on? It's a mixture of music, acting, physical theatre and dance. The image which really caught my imagination what that of skeletons in wedding dresses, ready to recieve the main character, Mario, as their grooms (there's an odd multiplicity of characters which I can't really explain easily - you'd have to see it). It really was a fantasic show, but the time of day meant that there was a very small audience unfortunately: however the cast gave a stunning performance which would have been as good in front of one person as in front of a full house - there was real comitment to the show from everyone. The second show I saw was Choking Point: the premis is a young, African American journalist seeks to make his career with a story on a 17 year old snipper, but arrogance and carelessness are his downfall, and has unforseen consequeses for those around him. It was an interesting, well acted show, but could have been a lot shorter - it was unfortunate that it ran over: I was 20 mins late for dinner with Chris and his parents. We went out to Inca for dinner then on to see The McCalmans at the St Bride Centre - they were very good, but it just wasn't quite as good as last year, but never mind. They preformed The Brooms of the Cowden Knows - which makes me cry every time: a lot of their songs are about how it feels to be far from Scotland - songs about homesickness and longing for soaring mountains and the rugged coastlines - how I will probably feel when I leave.

17/08
Although today was supposed to be my show-seeing day, it has in that department been rather disappointing for various reasons. I was meant to meet Helen at 12.00 at the venue, but for one reason or another she was being rubbish, so I helped Maya take some more junk up to the charity shop. We then went out to lunch at Double Dutch: poor Jamie has lost his voice :( We then went up to Augustines and saw An Insult to Beckett and Fo: I spent the next 45 mins both confused and disappointed by the production. I'm certain that if I understood the essential message of the production (which was a double-bill of Waiting for Godo and Accidental Death of an Anarchist) then it would probably have been quite good, but because I didn't I felt rather cheated by the whole thing (inspite of not paying).

18/08
Had a lazy morning - nothing to report except a bit of cleaning in preparation for arrival of the parental units. Met up with Chris and went to see "Comedy and Cake" - does exactly what it say on the tin, with the addition of tea. Was amusing for an hour, but not fantastic - can't really complain because of the whole free-ticket thing. We popped down to Bedlam briefly between shows to say hi to the staff and pick up something to drink before racing back to Augustines to see "Melancholia" again: I'm determined that the whole cast should see this show - it's brilliant but they need a large supportive audience as much as anyone else. Chris' responce was that "It was interesting" - which translates roughly as "Hmm, didn't really get it but I know it'll piss you off if I don't give somesort of reaction, so this'll do": because I know this is what he means by "interesting" it still annoys me. Is it too much to want to have a debate and discuss the relative merits and flaws of a production afterwards without the sole response being "meh *shrug*"? We were going to head on and see "Songs for a New World" but I had to head home to let the parents into the flat. That done I went up to James' Singstar party: it was fun but there were far too many renditions of "Torn" for my liking. Spent the evening chatting to randoms and finding out that we had friends in common etc, was entertaining swapping stories ;) Got home at 3am utterly shattered and trying not to wake the parents! Oh to be a teenager again! :)

19/08
Blah. Sleepy. Rehearsal. Sleepy. Food shop. Sleepy. Drinking. Sleepy. Home - still sleepy. Don't want to work tomorrow :( Have a feeling I'm just not going to be able to cope with the hours of the job plus uni hours. Am slightly tipsy, so should go to bed before I say silly things. End of week 2.

Edinburgh Festival Fringe: The Saga Begins

2007-08-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

03/08
Today the first of the shows opened for previews - the Fringe is nigh! Having been out for drinks for Doug's 22nd birthday the previous evening I was feeling a little tired to begin with, but met up with Maya for an early lunch at Double Dutch - had a very nice chat about her adventures in France over the past 6 weeks :) We then headed over to the Green Room: I had been asked over for an interview for a flyering job (thought it would be a good idea to help bolster the old bank account). We got there upon which I was told that the girl who was supposed to interview me had gone home to sleep, having been working for about 48hrs straight: on the one hand I was sympathetic because I know what hard work it is prior to opening a venue, but on the other hand I was annoyed because if you make an appointment you keep it or at least call to cancel. So having waited for 30 mins to talk to someone called Steven (who promptly also failed to materialise) we had had enough, so bought tickets to Dr Sketchy's Burlesque Art Salon (we weren't about to waste a chance to get preview tickets): the general concept was that you were given art materials, a bit of burlesque-style entertainment and the chance to sketch a model for an hour or so. Our hostess for the afternoon was the lovely Ophelia Bitz, along with our model Kitty Wildcard (who I had seen previously in Glasgow at one of Kirsty's evenings). It was a fun hour, and there were some very talented artists there - fortunately the emphasis was not upon good art work! I freely admit that my art skills are rusty, but I was never good at drawing people so most of my sketches were rather abstract! But I would recomend it for those both capable and incapable of drawing. We then headed off up The Royal Mile to take a look at some of the street performances, then wandered back down: I booked tickets for The McCalmens and Naked Voices (an a cappella group we saw last year - very good). We went into Shue because there was a sale on - there were some lovely shoes (Rocket Dogs) that I took a fancy to, but I decided against them for the moment). Maya had to disappear off home because she was going to see Jay that evening: I spent the evening cleaning the flat before going out to Revolution for a little while to celebrate Josh's birthday.

04/08
Didn't do very much today really. Got up lateish and popped into town to get some white fabric for a headscarf as part of my costume: also got some black muslin to do a wall hanging with that i've been planning for a while, but I did think the £5 was a bit much for the two considering that they were reminants. Got back to the flat and spent a while doing some sewing. Went up to the Venue for the tech run for 5pm to get into costume to be ready for 5.30. I hadn't realised it, but the ex-changing-rooms had undergone a major re-fit and were now more toilets and a kitchen - and not a mirror in the place! Ended up doing my make-up using the reflection from a hand-drier nozzle. I was ready to go for 5.30: got my pass and lanyard, then spent the next hour sitting waiting for orders from the techies. The whole thing went fairly well, and we got everything we needed to done with some time to spare. Saw Helen briefly, but she had just got off the train from London and gone straight to the venue, so was clearly shattered anyway, so didn't appear at the pub after. A few of us popped over to Bedlam for drinks after the tech run: it was a nice, relaxed evening - busy, but not heaving.

05/08
So far: Went out for brunch with Kirsty, Steven, Chris, Dave, Claire, Nick, James and (a guy who's name I can't remember - oops) at Double Dutch (again!) - had lots of coffee and some lemon drizzle cake - yummo! Was a nice relaxed morning with a minimum of tech/show talk. Kirsty and Steven went on to Dr Sketchys Burlesque Art Salon, and the others went on to watch the F1 - dull. Chris and I went to Lidl for food before Chris went to Jitsu at Meadow Bank. I half considered going up to see the cavalcade, but decided that it was drizzling too hard for my liking and that I'd better get stuff ironed before I start work tomorrow! Since then I've just been booking in reviewers for "Guilds" :) We have judges for the Edinburgh Evening News Amature Drama Awards coming on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of week 1, and a judge for the MTM: UK Awards at somepoint (I didn't have to book tickets for them, so I don't know the date). Later I will have a production meeting (last one before the show opens) so will be reporting on press-related progress, but I guess there's only a limited amount I can say really. Following the meeting it's THE DRESS REHEARSAL: I'm slightly nervous because we are not in the venue for it, so do not have the set or lighting to work with until the opening night! But hopefully it will go well: the cast really need to concentrate and remain focused from now on - and the energy needs to be there all the time from now onward. Certain cast members are bugging me increasingly: there's lots of unnecessary whinging going on, a lack of concentration, an unwillingness to do a fair share of the work (a blonde female chorus member seems to think that she is above carrying set up to the store -she'll learn). Anyway, I'll stop bitching now. After the dress run I'll be heading down to C venue to see The Pornographer Diaries: it's not that I particularly want to see it, but there's a flyering job up for grabs with them and they want me to see the show before I take the job, which is fair enough - it's just a bit annoying that it doesn't start til 10.45 and I start work early tomorrow, but never mind - I can probably make about £70 for 12 hours flyering over 6 days. It's not much, but anything that keeps my Fringe spending to a minimum is good, even if it's just a bit of cash for drinks later on. Right, need to make some food to take to rehearsal and do some washing before I head to production meeting. Will report back later.

later:
I got the flyering job without any problem... actually, without any interview: I turned up, was told what was expected of me, and given a comp to see the show then told to turn up tomorrow at 3pm to report for duty. As I mentioned earlier, the show is called The Pornographer Diaries: I wasn't sure what to expect going in to see this production - it could go one of two ways; filthy and abhorant, or a piss-take. Fortunately for my sensibilities it was the later! The show charts the achievement of one man's ultimate fantasy: to work for a porn mag (a la Nuts or FHM). The show myth-busts some of the hype surrounding 'the ultimate job' in comic style which will appeal to 'blokes' and feminists alike. Of course it's a bit smutty, but it never gets truely seedy or disgusting (still WOULD NOT recomend taking Granny to see it). So, it will be my job to sell this production to your adverage Fringe-goer: this could be funny, or I'll get attacked by scarey feminists and Christians before I have a chance to explain that as a pro-feminist Christian woman I didn't find it too bad. So I start that job at 3pm (at which time I am supposed to be meeting the head of publicity for the National Trust for Scotland to arange a publicity stunt for "Guilds" - I think I'll have to leave this to Simon, but I have no problem with this if he doesn't). And the 'actual' job starts at 9.30 tomorrow morning! So that's two jobs, a "Guilds" flyering session and the opening night of the show to do tomorrow - it'll keep me busy anyway. On a Savoy-show note: the dress-run went ok but there's still a lack of focus from the cast.

06/08
This is being done swiftly as I eat dinner before heading up to Dave's to change for the show. First shift at work was fairly straight-forward: got there early so went for wander along Stockbridge high street. The morning passed fairly smoothly with only one minor hiccup involving a misunderstanding with a cast member over press stuff, but it was sorted out quickly. I spent my time working out the phone system and the programs to use, and doing some audio-typing. A good start I think. Then at 2pm I headed back to Southbridge to pick up the flyers and t-shirt for The Pornographers Diary: it wasn't too hard to sell in the end. Did that for a couple of hours before rushing back here for a quick meal and wash. I'm looking forward to tonight - the opening night is always good, and Nottingham Uni G and S soc are coming and they are barmey! They will laugh at everything, which makes the rest of the audience more responsive than they might otherwise be. But it's another early start tomorrow, so drinking'll just have to wait. Shall report on success/otherwise of the opening night tomorrow :)

07/08
Last night: We sold out!!!!!! First night and everything :D Very, very happy! The audience was fantastic and there were no major on-stage cock-ups, and we got so many laughs! I love the Fringe! And we had at least two posative audience-reviews on the edfringe website. Popped over to bedlam briefly afterwards to see Helen.
Started work at 8.45am today - was utterly shattered from the word go, so will be having a nap before going to get changed! But can go out tonight as I don't have work tomorrow :)
later:
It's very odd that for a show which sells out one night and has people crying with laughter can have such a differant reaction with a differant audience: it's not that tonight's audiance didn't enjoy it, becuse I could see them smiling, but there were very few laughs, even at the most obvious of jokes. The show is genuinely funny - it's witty and sharp - but tonight's lot didn't give us much to work with: we had to give 110% energy to get anything back. Audiences can be either mirrors or black holes: they will either reflect the energy you put into a performance accordingly, or they will suck everything in and you won't get anything back out no matter how hard you try. I think it has disappointed everyone, and that can be a recipe for disillusionment, and a poor show consequently. I really hope that the reviewer picked up one how much we were giving it - if only he had come last night!

08/08
Tonight was much better - although it was still quite a small audience they were far more responsive than the other night, which was great because we had a reviewer for Forth FM in. The review will be out tomorrow. The rest of the day was pretty quiet as I wasn't at work: went to Scottish Slimmers meeting and had lost 3.5lb this week :) Then met up with Maya and went to see Transformers: I wasn't expecting much from the film, but how wrong I was! It was brilliant: great plot, great CG and great soundtrack - I will be going back next week for certain!

09/08
Another good day :) Work from 9 - 2pm, then out flyering for an hour, then met Dad for a quick coffee. Dad was telling me about his and Mum's trip around France - it sounds to have been great, I'm very jealous and am considering going on holiday to France in October. The flyering was very effective and I think that it's probably why we had another large audience this evening. No major mess-ups on stage, except for a couple of missed lines, but it wasn't one that was terribly obvious fortunately as we had 3 reviewers in tonight. Audience reviews are looking good too (http://www.edfringe.com/shows/detail.php?action=shows&id=4687).
Went over to Bedlam after the show for a couple of drinks - it was a lovely evening spent with Chris, Bruce, Hogg and Richard, among others, and I got home around 2am. Huzzah for being able to sleep in in the morning!

10/08
Huzzah! Sell-out show :)

11/08
Huzzah sell-out show! And a bloody good review from Three Weeks:
Guilds
Edinburgh University Savoy Opera Group
A
joy to watch; 'Guilds' is a wonderfully topical comic musical. The play
centres on an election campaign between two jesters both vying for the
title of village idiot. Cunningly it's contemporary politics that is
being poked fun at; negative campaigning, photo ops, sound bites and
voter apathy are all mocked, and brilliantly. On top of this, the play
is a showcase of talent, with technically difficult pieces sung to
perfection. Laughter also graces the stage - Ed Curry's performance is
one of particular comic brilliance. Not often do whole audiences
giggle throughout a musical, but the comedy, both slapstick and subtle,
that adorns this musical is extremely amusing. So we have wit and
intelligence, talent, and laughter: this show is hard to fault.
Augustine's, 6 - 12, 21 - 26 Aug, 9:15pm (10:15pm), £8.00 (£5.00), fpp 163.
tw rating 5/5

12/08
SSOOOOOOO TIRED! But now til a week on Tues is our week of rest - thank goodness! Spent the day relaxing and watching The Vicar of Dibley before heading up to Nick's to change. The streets were very quiet when we went to flyer the Royal Mile, but that's not terribly suprising given that it's a Sunday and lots of people are headed home already. But we had quite a good audience (maybe 80ish) inspite of the aparent calm, and among those people were 3 MTM:UK awards judges assessing the show - which was rather off-putting. But all went off without a hitch, and we transfered all the set down to the store on Candlemaker Row for the week. We then headed down to Bar Italia for the cast meal: the food was ok, but pricey for what it was (unsuprisingly). After that we headed to Bedlam for the PGP post-week-one party (briefly in my case because of work).

I got my MSc acceptance!

2007-07-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

As the title says, I got final acceptance for my MSc! Woo! I get to do the whole Freshers week thing again - which I'm pretty excited about :) But also getting to know a whole new group of people, a new way of studying, a chance to work as hard and achieve as much as I should have in my undergrad degree. I'm soooooo excited. I'm getting a second chance but with the maturity to appreciate it at last.

later:
very funny! I just got an email from Margret Smith at the Parliament inviting me to an interview as a research assistant! I've never been contacted out of the blue to inverview for a job - my confidence is sky-high now! Of course I can't go for it what with the MSc success (I've thought about it and I don't think I can manage a job and the MSc p/t), but have suggested I could do a few hours a week voluntaraly to keep my research skills in tune. :)

later again:
Had a job interview with an accountancy firm today - no, not as an accountant, but as a secretary for a few hours a week. The firm is much bigger than I thought, but still nice and friendly - the people interviewing me were pleasant and generally seemed to think that I'd fit the bill for the job. Mr Hamilton's attitude was "stuff interviews - I'll take the first suitable candidate", and he seemed to think that I was suitable, so it's all good. The pay is pretty good to, and they're willing to be flexiable about when I do the hours. They said they'll get back to me very soon - and I believe them!

Later still:
I got the job - woooo! I'm employed! :)

And later again:
I got a call offering me the job at the Uni information services a week after the interview - got to tell them that they were too late cause I've got a job ;) Ok, not literally, but near enough!

Tum te tum te tum (wow my titles are unimaginative)

2007-07-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

Just waiting to hear back about a job interview I had today - really really hope that I get it. It seemed to go well and they were friendly enough, but I worry that I don't have enough of the practical skills they are looking for - ie good numerical skills! But I'm willing to work hard and to learn what's required for the position. On the plus side one of the interviewers did some acting at Manderston House, where I used to work, during the filming of The Edwardian Country House series, so that was some useful common-ground. The other interviewer was pleasant - head of sales and marketing for the university. I just hope I've made a good enough impression!

Leaving drinks etc.

2007-07-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

Went to Jordans leaving drinks last night: was a nice evening, and I wasn't uncomfortable around a large group of people I didn't know (I was worried that I'd just freak out and have to make my excuses early in the evening) - makes a nice change. Was a sad evening, of course: it's never nice to see a friend leave, but I'm going to have to get used to it over the next couple of weeks. I'll miss him lots, as I'll miss Lou and James and everyone else, but it's not as if I'll never see any of them ever again! It's just another end, and another begining: all of us will be starting something new (including me hopefully) but we'll all keep in touch. It's just going to be differant, and we'll meet new people and make new friends and learn new skills - it'll be good.

Speaking of new - I got a job interview at long last :D Huzzah! It's a slaes job, but it's not Tesco, which is always good! I just hope I get it!

Newspaper star (cont.)

2007-07-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

Well the article came out today, but not in the Edinburgh Evening News as I expected, but in The Scotsman! It's a half-page spread on page 22 but has a big picture of me (from graduation) and a short interview section :D

Newspaper star today...

2007-07-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

...fish+chip wrapping tomorrow! ;)

I'm very ammused! I mentioned to a friend (at the pub, as all great stories start) who works for the Edinburgh Evening News that Edinburgh University graduates were being offered a 10% discount on post-graduate study fees (which is a nice little bonus for those of us who had made-up our minds already to continue study here). This has since been turned into a full-page spread with me being featured as a case-study :) Very, very funny! I got the call from Simon this morning while I was helping Harry clean her flat (Chris' old place - it was increadibly mucky) so there was me dressed in my oldest, messiest clothes being interviewed for a newspaper - it's the sort of situation I find funny. He was going to send a photographer around to take a picture to go with the case-study, but (fortunately for me) no-one was avaliable so I sent in a couple of graduation photos instead. The story might not yet run but, hey, it's a bit of a laugh.

Catch up

2007-07-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

Right, I have a bit of spare time and the inclination to write something at last. Where do I start?

25/06 - Graduation
Was a lovely day :) The family came up at 12ish and we headed up to Bristo Square. They went off to have a coffee while I went to pick up my gown and hood, and register: I had the standard black gown with a white hood, represtenting I had graduated with an MA. It felt great flouting around in my gown and smart clothes, but I only got to keep the gown and hood for a few hours other wise I'd probably still be wearing it now :D After doing the necessary preliminaries I went to join the parents at the cafe. We went from there over to Potterrow for a quick complimentary coffee and the expected photos (which turned out really well) before heading off to McEwan Hall for a few more pics then the big ceremony.
The McEwan Hall is a beautiful, awe-inspiring building and the perfect setting for what was a ceremony of pomp and circumstance. I was sat with the rest of the Geoscience set down in the main hall and the parents were sat up in the balcony. The first group through were the physics Mscs and Undergrads - Ali Braiden was there getting his PhD and looked very smart in his kilt and colours. Then came the Geosciences - Geography and Politics came toward the end of this section. I was fortunately sat next to Jordan who I know quite well and Gillian who I've met a couple of times before - there were only five of us (one guy had decided to graduate in absentia). We were sheparded into place one by one to be tapped on the head with 'The Cap': 'The Cap' is the one hat with which all graduates of Edinburgh uni are tapped on the head with (we do not get to wear the traditional caps for various reasons) which is reputed to be made from the trousers of John Knox or John Buchanan depending on what you believe - the one bit you can believe is that the university badge sewn into the inside of the bonnet has been into space, which is very cool :) It was all over very quickly as we were quickly herded off to collect our scrolls - I can't very clearly remember the 10 seconds after being tapped on the head with the cap, I blanked out a little bit with the disbelief that it was all over! We went back to our seats and were followed by the chemistry class.
The whole thing was over in an hour which suprised me a lot, but pleasantly. After this the geosciences group went down to the department for drinks - the place was crowded! Dad had to go home to pick up my brother from work, so Mum and I went for a quick wander down but it was so busy that we beat a hasty retreat. We ran into Jordan, his parents and Rosie coming the other way - his parents were very pleasant and Jordan and I had a couple of photos taken together (I was a bit annoyed because I had handed back my gown at that point - it would have been nice to get a picture of both of us in our gowns with our scrolls, but never mind). Mum and I then caught the bus back to the flat (my shoes, as low heeled as they were, had given me nasty blisters!) where we waited for Dad and Pete to arrive.
When they did at last we opened a bottle of champagne and had a wee drink with Ruth (flatmate) before the family and I headed off to dinner at La Gerrick on Jeffery St. La Gerrick is a lovely little French restaurant looking out onto Carlton Hill - which at sunset is a very beautiful sight indeed. I had a provincial style mackeral pate: it wasn't abbrasive as a lot of mackeral dishes are, it was very soft and pleasant: for the main course I had roasted saddle of rabbit wrapped in pancetta served with creamy pollenta - I've never had rabbit before and I was so impressed by this dish! The softness and taste of the meat worked beautifully with the creaminess of the pollenta (I've cooked pollenta before and I was so unimpressed - clearly I was just doing it wrong!) - I can't remember anything to equal this dish! We had this with a lovely French red wine, but stupidly I didn't check what it was - will try and find out at some point. And for pudding I had a lavender creme brulee served with a raspberry syrup and a lemon biscotte: I nearly died and went to heaven. The burnt suger was the perfect flavour to contrast the creamy sweetness and soft texture of the lavender custard - I would go again just for that! The tables were made by the artist Tim Stead - a wonderful artist who worked in wood: he was well know for the use of heavily knotted wood to make unique, sturdy and very tactile, practical works of art (I remember going to see a post-humerous exhibition of his work when I was very young - the piece I remember from this was an enormous, low-level chess-set formed of a full slice of tree trunk inset with darker wood, and polished to a lusterous shine using bees wax. The outside edge was uneven but smoothed out - a really beautiful piece). The meal was slow and relaxed, and we had one of the family discussions that I relish, covering everything from politics to art to architecture (we discussed a fantastic new paper by one of my ex-lecturers on the politics of corridors - Pete, as an engineering student and I as a social scientist had a wonderful discussion on how the use of specific materials can affect the impact on the interaction of people - I'll write it up a bit later). The family decided to head home that evening rather than stay at the flat - Pete drove them all back to Duns.
And that was the day - hectic but wonderful. It's funny that that was the day that I had been building towards all the days of my education, and sundenly it was all over. I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me reach this point, especially my parents - they've done so much for me all my life, I couldn't even begin to express the level of my gratitude.

Since then:
I've been on a bit of a come down since then because I've not had a lot to do: the Summer job hunt has so far been unsuccessful - I blooming well hope I get a job before my Msc starts in September. Speaking of which I am still waiting for my letter of confirmation from the Geography department: it's frustrating because I feel so insecure about the whole thing anyway that being kept waiting that little bit longer isn't helping! Everyone has disappeared for the week on holiday except for me so I've spent my time cleaning the flat, doing some DIY, visiting galleries, seeing films etc to fill the time. Rehearsals for the Fringe show start again on monday - looking forward to it! Speaking of which, I'd best write in rehearsal dates and times on my calander before I forget!

Wibble (again)

2007-06-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I graduate in less than 48 hours!

I've calmed down now, honest.

2007-06-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still very happy about my offer, obviously, but have calmed down on reflection of the fact that the course is still under internal review and by no means certain to run, and my application is still required to undergo a final review. I'm not being negative, but I'm very consious of the fact that I shouldn't pin all my hopes on this one thing.
In the mean time: I'm still waiting to hear if I've got an interview for the parliament job, and I've decided to sell my soul to Tesco (again) for the Summer to earn a bit of cash - I don't particularly want to because the memories of just how crap it was towards the end of last Summer are still very clear in my mind, but I've got the experiance and the training already and the pay's ok. Might still try applying to Lidl because the pay's better - £7, as opposed to £6.75 at Tesco.

WOOOOOOOOOOO!

2007-06-12T08:59:00.001-07:00

I got the MSc place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Grab the horn of the Ox, Think outside of the box, and devise a solution instead"

2007-06-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

(quote courtasy of "Guilds" by A. Braden and J. Davy - Fringe show wooooooo!)

Time to do just as that quote says. New Plan: work full time and do MSc part-time.

Ok, back track slightly and explain: there are a lot of 'ifs' involved in this so I'm not counting my chickens by any means. A position has come up at the Scottish Parliament as an assistant to an MSP, and I've applied on the basis that I have a year's experiance doing much the same thing part-time for a differant MSP in the same party, so have good references and experiance - this should at least put me in the position of being a reasonably strong candidate anyway. It's a good place to start working because I know quite a number of people there and I like the environment, plus it keeps me in the way of research practise. I have still to hear back about the MSc, but if I do get the offer then I think it would be best to do it part-time for several reasons: I would be earning enough to support myself, pay council tax and tuition fees. My grades haven't been good enough to qualify me for funding. It would also mean that I have access, through the Parliamentary information centre, to a vast source of information on environmental issues in Scotland and up-to-date debates. So, that's the idea, but there are a huge number of 'ifs' involved, and I'm reticent to pin any hopes at all on this, but it's a plan anyway.

Swimming up-river (the one where you don't get a paddle)

2007-06-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've finished my degree. Well, actually I finished it technically on the 17th of June at the end of my exams, but now I have confirmation of my degree results; 2:2. Can't say that I'm not dissappointed because I really thought that I had got a 2:1, but it would appear that Housing and Society dragged my mark down (got 54%) - it's a course which has been subject to a lot of criticism from myself and my fellow class mates for a range of reasons (my personal gripe has been the urbancentricity of the course). Oh well. Might appeal, but my Director of Studies doesn't think that it's marginal enough to be successful.

On the plus side, I heard back from the postgraduate coordinatior. I got an offer for a place on my MSc course, on the condition that I got a 2:1 (which came as a bit of a kick in the metaphorical balls considering I had been waiting to hear back about it for ages and I got the response just after the results came out!) But I may still get it: the case is being refered to the course convenior to decide. This is a new course, so the chances are that all the places will not be taken anyway, and it would be to the advantage of the course coordinator to have a full class even if they are not all 2:1/1st students than a class that's not full up. My Director of Studies said that he would have 'an informal word' with the person responciable for the selection of students for the course. I really appreciate how much has been done for me by those I have talked to within the department - I wouldn't stand a chance without their support! However, it could still all come crashing down because the course is still subject to internal approval. This may still count in my favour in that if enough people are interested and signed up then approval may go through far more easily than if they only had a few people interested. I shall have to wait and see, but I believe that God does not close a door without opening a window. I really want this oppertunity, and if I'm accepted then I'm going to have to work so much harder than anyone else to prove myself capable, and I'm willing to do so. I recognise the sacrafices that I will have to make, but I know that they'll be worth it.

If there's one positive lesson I've taken from this, it's that we cannot take our oppertunities for granted and have to make the most of every chance we get. As Mum said, what's meant for you will not pass you by. My parents have been so supportative: they said that they were not disappointed by me, but for me, and that's been a really big help. With the support from my family and friends I've managed to remain very posative, and turned this result to my advantage: I'm now very motivated to do my best and strive for what I want.

Right, time to just get on with it!

2007-05-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've done the panic about my future, never going to be employed, getting left behind etc, and now I'm ready to get on with applications and interviews. I will probably get a huge number of rejections and it's going to be difficult to remain positive, but I'm determined to do the best I possibly can.

Speaking of just getting on with it, I wish certain people would start standing up for themselves, perhaps even get some balls: i'm a bit sick of the whinging "oh, woe is me!" attitude. Learn to be a bit of a bastard and you'll go far, cause if you don't you'll end up with nothing: 100% nice people rarely get what they want.

Wibble!

2007-05-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had my first non-heights related panic attack in months this afternoon :( The future's unclear and very scary. I think this was mostly brought on by the fact that I was turned down for a position which I thought I was a shoe-in for - it's just one of those moments where you come to question your overall validity as a human being. I'm begining to wish that I had chosen a degree with more practical skills, like business or languages. I know everyone jokes about MAs being rather useless, but I'm starting to agree. I just wish that I could talk to my family and friends about it honestly, but I just keep bluffing on as if all was fine, and what's even worse is that they believe me - I'm setting myself up for a very big fall, I know, but I'm still going to be suprised when it happens because I have become very good at fooling myself into thinking that 'everything will be ok because it's always ok and it has to be ok'.

Running away and living as a hermit sounds so attractive right now.

And out the other side...

2007-05-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

Here I am at the other side of university education - slightly terrifying just how quickly it's gone. What I've come out understanding is that I'm more uncertain and more ignorant that I was when I went in: when I began I had certain understandings and beliefs which I felt to be unshakable, but now there are no certainties and a much bigger world to have no certainties in. I get the impression that the further one investigates a topic, the fewer absolutes there are and the deeper the mire one can get lost in. What am I getting myself into?

The end of my undergraduate degree and musings on working life in Scotland

2007-05-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

I will be finished with academic exams FOREVER in less than 48 hours! Huzzah!

And at the same time I must say that the prospect of not having my year devided into pieces by exams is unsettling, because it also signals the end of long Christmas and Summer holidays (ok, so they haven't really been 'holidays' for quite some time because I've always worked, academically or otherwise). Even if I get the MSc place, it's going to be much more like a job than my undergrad has ever been - or at least that how I intend to treat it (God willing), so there will be regularised hours and no/little working from home, and (again) no holidays as such.

I've thought for quite some time now that the way the holiday system is organised in schools and at Uni has trained us to look forward to long, lazy holidays, and when we leave academia it comes as a rather rude awakening to realise that we might get 2 - 3 weeks off per year tops, most of which we will be obliged to spend with our family for the forseeable future.

With that being the case, it's little wonder to me that mental health in Britain is as poor as it is, and that we suffer sever burn-out and stress - far more so than most other European countries: we work long hours for a wage which has a generally decreasing value to service ridiculous mortgages on houses which don't justify their cost because we feel compelled by current social trends to 'get on the property ladder'.

I get the impression that the British public would benefit, in terms of mental health and stress reduction, from a more relaxed attitude to work as is generally prevelant in Europe - perhaps an enforced 'lunch-hour' rather than the sandwich-at-the-desk approach which seems to dominate attitudes toward breaks. On adverage, Scottish empolyees take 20 minutes off for lunch (if indeed that much) and another 15 minute break per day - all of roughly 40 minutes in an 8 - 10 hour day: is it any wonder that so many sick-days are taken? In general, I think that British industry could be as productive, if not more-so, if employees were activly encouraged to use their breaks: eat then go for a quick walk, sit in the sunshine, read a book, do something physically active - it has been proven that people are more productive if they take regular exercise, it clears the mind and releases endorphins, and can do wonders for individual confidence. These benefits are just not avaliable if employees simply stay at the desk or go for a quick cigarette break. It's just like it was in school, in fact: we were given regular breaks and space to relax, and on the whole people were more productive, willing to work and positive in attitude.

A combination of lessening 'leisure' time, prioritisation of work/career (from a very young age) and little exercise (indeed, little time to exercise); it shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that we have such high levels of cardiovascular and lung disease: stress-eating and smoking are symptomatic of a culture of prioritising 'output' over the individual. Oh, and of course, the rotten weather doesn't help. The attitudes of employers and employees across Britain need a complete overhaul: work to live, not live to work.

Think I might just skip the lot and move abroad now.

Wow - this is really not where I meant to go with this post, and I should get back to exam revision now. Ho hum...

Frustration and thankfullness

2007-05-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Tired. Sick of revision. Fidgetty. Eatten too much suger. Sick of waiting for people to tell me that I'm worth something. Hormonally imballanced. Sick of obsessive brain. Tired of waiting for my life to start. Tired of waiting for the moment where everything changes. Bored of having unfilfilled plans and dreams. Despising the feeling of being chained down, hemmed in, put in a cage. Tired of trying to please everyone. Frustrated that I can never live up to my own expectations. Annoyed that whatever I do will never be enough. Disparing that I'm not taken seriously. Angry that I've created a persona designed not to be taken seriously. Feeling put-aside, disregarded, forgettable, invisible. Making it easy for people to disregard me. Angry that I never speak out. Angry that I hold my tounge because it's conveniant for someone else. Feeling destined to be the bad guy. Terrified that I will always be the one to make the sacrafices. Wanting what I can't have. Being to scared to take what I want. Making bad decisions. Hiding behind morality. Never saying exactly what I'm thinking. Never thinking about what I'm saying. Setting myself up to fail. Justifying other people's bad decisions. Never being utterly honest.

In spite of all the crap, the baggage, the neurosis, the self-doubt, anger and pain I drag around from day-to-day, I'm still aware of how much I have to be thankful for.

Life. Family. Love. Friends. Stability. Acceptance. Intelligence. Self-respect. Librality. Taste. Humour. Support. A future. Choices. Expectations. Patience. Insite. Empathy. Sincerity. Tact. Ability. Sympathy. Determination. Enthusiasm. Devotion. Grace. Talent. Opportunities. Morality. Consiousness. Chances. Peace.

Catch-up and Misc. non-sense

2007-05-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am back in Edinburgh after a nice long break at home :) (by break I do mean spending 12 hours a day revising, but that's beside the point) So, what's happened recently that I can remember?...

I handed in my MSc application at last (God, I hope I get it!)

I started applying for jobs for over the summer (mostly book shops)

I may be going on a 2 - 4 week road trip around Europe in July! Sweet!

I got my shiney new book on Aesthetics of the Natural Environment, and the collected works of Norman MacCaig - yay :D

Gran and Dads birthdays happened, so lots of nice food (Pete and I even made Dad a birthday cake, although it should be more acuratley described as lots-of-chocolate-with-slightly-less-butter-and-suger-and-flour. It was gooooooood)

I got new cycling gloves, so now my hands won't freeze - huzzah!

My friend Sarah got a PhD place in St Andrews :)

I found some of my old short-stories - quite pleasantly supprised by how well writen they were - my fictional writing skills are now sadly lacking :(

Came back to a clean flat, and a much better television in the sitting room (it's Chris's, but he's moving in with Gareth, who has a HUGE tv, so Chris's one would have been rather redundant there. Can now ask people over to watch films)

The Scottish Lib Dems may have lost Berwickshire!!!!!!! It seems impossible because t has been such a strong-hold for years upon years, but the Conservatives or SNP have nabbed it >:-( Plus the huge muck-up which seems to have lost 100,000 votes

I'll probably come up with more stuff later, but this is all I can remember right now.

Thanks, sorry etc.

2007-04-23T06:10:00.000-07:00

Got this idea from a friend, and think it's a pretty good one really: basicly say what you want to tell someone, but don't be name specific - they'll probably never read it, but it's a good 'cleansing' practise. I'm speaking to people who are (more-or-less) out of my life now.

1. I'm sorry you couldn't come with us and achieve your potential. I know you got scared, afraid of being abandoned and I should have been more suportive, but you had to want to move on, and you didn't. I hope you will eventually. Have a nice life darling.

2. I'm sorry I never kept in contact; we were good friends I think but we both got so caught up in the new that we drifted apart. I might work up the courage to call you one day.

3. You made my life a misery for years: we made up, but you know what?: I never really forgave you and I still can't bring myself to think well of you - I'm glad we're out of one another's lives.

4. Yeah, you knew all about it, I know that for a fact. It's pretty ammusing in retrospect, don't you think?

5. Sorry, we didn't really know eachother it would seem, but I'm still sorry that we didn't keep in touch. Thanks for your past kindnesses, and I hope you're doing well.

6. I wasn't really in a position to do what I did, and I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression - it wasn't meant that way - I was just afraid, so I messed you around without intending to.

7. You're a lovely person, and I hope we keep in contact after having not talked for so long. I admire you for you're strength throughout the troubled times - you coped where others couldn't have.

8. We were an odd bunch, and I can't work out what it was that brought us together but I'm glad it did - I doubt I could have coped without you, and without you I would never have learned that I like cigars ;)

9. It was what it was.

10. I forgive you all for your actions, but I won't forget. I hope you've changed.

11. I still think about you, and hope that I make you proud. xxx
xx
x

12. Thanks for making life a bit more interesting, and for ignoring the idiots :)

13. I'll come back one day if you're still around - we'll chat then (and I'll get the icecream this time)

14. Thanks for so much - I'd be a completely differant person if it weren't for you. I hope you've read 'Persuasion' by now!

15. I think you made the wrong decision, and I respect you less for it i'm afraid - things change and I can't help but think that our friendship is much the worse off for it.

16. I'm glad that you're doing well but I wish you weren't so far away! Keep well sweetie x

17. It's incredible how alike we are, it's just a shame we met in passing - I hope we meet again soon.

That's all I can be bothered with for now.

Zoo!

2007-04-21T05:03:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a bit less productive work-wise than I predicted cause I went to the zoo instead! Huzzah! Adam had 2 free tickets from his job last year and wanted to use them before he left Edinburgh for good (i.e. tomorrow :( ) It was so much fun! I haven't been since I was about 9 or 10, and it's as much fun as I remember - probably more because I appreciate all the work that goes on there too. We were there for about 6 hours in the end and it didn't feel like it at all. The zoo is on a rather steep hill, so we got a lot of exercise walking up to see the Lions at the top :) And best of all we went on a really quiet day which wasn't too warm, so no screaming kids with icecream to deal with thank goodness - also meant that we had a chance to talk with the trainers and keepers about the animals, which was really interesting.
We started out by going to see the Sealions being fed and trained - they're such graceful creatures in the water, and very intelligent too. We then went up to see the Red Pandas; there are very few left in the wild now because of habitat destruction and population isolation: they do, like giant pandas, eat bamboo (which is highly toxic apparently) but the food-value derived from it is so poor that they cannot move very fast at all, rather like Koala's in that respect. When we went initially they were hiding high up in the pine branches, but we came back later we were just in time to see one at ground level, and watch it climbing back up to the canopy - it was certainly one of the highlights of the day for me. There was a talk on the herd of Bongos later on, and then the Penguin Parade, which turned out to be a penguin strole because only two of them could be bothered to go (it's a vollentary walk) but was fun none-the-less.
The funniest incident of the day was walking through the lemur enclosure and being hissed at by one of the lemurs - it was sitting on the rope overhanging the path, staring at us and hissing - I wasn't sure whether to be scared or laugh because it was just so un-threatening!
Adam's highlight of the day must have been the animal handling session: he held a snake dispite being utterly terrified of them (for obvious reasons involving a snake-pit when he was 10) - was very proud of him for that. Also got to hold a Giant African Land Snail - apparently they form their shells by consuming the bones of dead creatures on the plains :) also held a guineapig (how very scary), a cockroach and a bearded lizard.
Was a great day out, which I thoroughly enjoyed :) Much better than revison!

Other news: Mum has been organising the MacMillian charity dance in Duns - don't think she was terribly keen on the idea, but one of the new members forced the issue, so Mum really hopes it'll be a success inspite of only 40 tickets having been sold and the dance being tonight. And now I'm going to organise notes and watch a film- possibly My Fair Lady.

Yay - the adrenalin has returned!

2007-04-20T01:20:00.000-07:00

So, last night was the first rehearsal for 'Guilds' - yay! Can't wait to be back on stage although it's difficult to believe it's been a year since my last rehearsal. I was fairly aprehensive as the cast already know each other from the past two shows which I hadn't been in (damn final year) and I don't know them, fortunately there are a few of us oldies around too (rather odd to say that as I'm only 21 and haven't done as many shows as some of the newer members, think it's just cause I joined the society at the tail-end of 'old savoy' so have been accepted as such) although not very many (Andy, Chris and, Rachel and I). But got chatting to a few of the chorus, and they seem like nice girls, so hopefully that'll outweight the irritation that certain people will cause.
The MD, John, ran through the music (which he wrote) and it sounds superb! Am thoroughly impressed, and looking forward to hearing it with it's various eight-part harmonies :) Chris, the Director, went through the storyline (written by Alister Braden): it sounds good, and has plenty of New Labour jokes thrown in. I have a feeling that if we get the publicity right and the show goes to plan, we might have a very sucessful show on our hands. Fingers crossed! Rehearsals are Sundays and Thursdays until the summer break, which as a rehearsal schedual I've always prefered to the Sunday-Monday rehearsal schedual of previous shows. The big question is ; where are we going to rehearse after the break? I'll be damned if I'm travelling out to Liberton every rehearsal. Oh well, hopefully that'll get sorted earlier rather than later. So, first real rehearsal on Sunday - horrah!

Today: start revision (no rest for the wicked), go to Adam's leaving drinks.

Home again :)

2007-04-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was fun - went on the ghost tour with Maya and Jay. This one went around the Grayfriar's Kirkyard (home to Bobby and Burke/Hare - can't remember which) and the infamous black mausollium (sp?). So did a bit of a tour around with the guide telling us about the various sightings in the graveyard (what with the 450,000 bodies estimated to be burried there). The highlight of the tour was the group going into the Black Mausollium where people are regularly 'attacked' by supernatural forces - over 180 people have reportedly been knocked out there. The guide did a good job of planting the suggestions in peoples minds throughout the tour (ah, the power of repetition) so by the time we were in there everyone was thoroughly keyed up (except for me it would seem - I love being utterly cynical) are ready to be 'attacked'. So we were standing in this crypt for a good ten minutes and nothing happened (well, one guy said he felt breathing on the back of his neck). The guide said that we would probably feel an ache begin in our legs working its way up, and that this was generally a prelude to an attack: well, I was feeling this, but put it down to the fact that we were standing in the cold, on a hard and uneven floor, so circulation was bound to play up a bit. However, I did develope a sever headache - but I suspect that this was down to the fact that the dark was straining my eyes and that the black mausollium backs onto an electrical substation, and the structure of the BM itself comprises a metal framework - hello electrical fields! No wonder people faint and have visions or spasms - their internal electrics are being scrambled! But whatever it was, the ghosties didn't feel like playing. And of course no tour would be complete without the guy jumping out to scare everyone. So, like the rest I screamed, but unlike the rest (while still acting on sheer terror) I took a swing at 'it' - fortunately I missed, thank goodness my depth preception is pretty damn poor in the dark!) All the while the logical part of my brain was shouting "It's a man in a costume you idiot!", but it would seem that instint was in charge. Said sorry to the guy later, and he said it was ok - he'd been attacked with umbarellas, elbows etc on more than one occassion, so was always very careful to dodge. So, was quite a fun evening.

Today
Didn't do much except a clothes wash and the washing up, packed stuff. Caught the train at 2, got into Berwick at 3 only to find that the next bus to Duns wasn't til 4.15 - bloody borders bus service! But am home now :)

And Relax

2007-04-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Thursday - Friday
Unsuprisingly, worked all day. Went into the computing labs in the Geography department to work later-on and ended up pulling an all nighter (first time I've ever done that). The geo department is an old hospital, which made the whole thing rather creepy, especially when the security men came around and turned off all the lights except in the lab! Didn't help that I was by this point having hallucinations due to sleep deprivation! But got the work done, printed, bound and handed in on time, so that's all that really counts. Also got a call from the producer at classic fm asking if I wanted to make a request on-air (I had emailed the day before asking to hear the Anvil Chorus), so I did that too, which was pretty damn cool :) Then went to the pub; met Dave and Nick D. there, but they both had to head away fairly quickly. Was soon joined by Alison, so we had dinner and a nice chat before Chris arrived. Lou joined us after, and we ended up playing Monopoly which was fun except for the fact that Chris thrashed the rest of us :( so we called him a Fat Capitalist Pie. Lou disappeared cause she's still working on her dissertation, so Alison Chris and I hung around for a while longer. By this point I was past tiredness and into the manic phase, which is always fun, but seriously concidering going to bed when I got a call from Maya saying that she, Jay, Doug, Gareth, Anna and a friend of Gareth's were on their way over, so the evening was extended. Had a nice time and chatted to Doug about his newly aquired job at Google - delighted for him and also utterly jealous, but he deserves it having worked so hard. Decided that hallucinations were really getting quite bad so went home.

Saturday
woke up around midday. Still shattered and couldn't move for love nor money, and spent a considerable time crying cause I felt so weak! Think it was a combination of sleep deprivation then having slept a lot, lack of adrenalin, and the lack of deadlines - but whatever it was I was a wreck. Managed to pull self together enough to get up and see a friend's production of The Tempest - was very high standard inspite of the fact that the lead man could not appear for personal reasons. Instead they did a show-case of the rest of the scenes and a Q and A session to fill in the gaps at the end. Set was great given the space avaliable, costume was great (especially for Ariel who they painted blue). Then went for a walk in the sunshine which was lovely. Spent the evening with Chris watching Boston Legal.

Today
Another late start. Read I Capture the Castle again (forgot how much I love it). Came back to the flat (also forgot what a State I left it in). Going to Sainsbury's in a bit, then possibly on a Ghost Tour with Maya and Jay.

Consequently...

2007-04-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

...I think I may have caught Cat's cold! Doh!

Oh well, sun's still shining :)

Next day...
Yup, definately have the cold- blegh!

Next day again...
Mwahahaha! Am killing evil cold with flu capsuals, oranges and caffeine!

Cat and Ed's wedding

2007-04-08T04:13:00.000-07:00

Spent yesterday out at Costorphine for Cat (ex-flatmate) and Ed's wedding at St Thomas's church - such a good day! :) They had the perfect day for it too! Blue sky and sunshine, lovely and warm. The flowers, the dress and the bridesmaids dresses were all beautiful - Cat look stunning! And I was amazed by just how calm Ed was from begining to end, having said that I don't think that he's one for emotional outbusts. The ceremony was lovely - the minister was Mike from P's and G's, and everything went really well. The photographer had everyone gather around the bridal party at the end for a photograph, which was a great idea, but I ended up standing right next to Cat, which was rather embarressing (didn't want to be in the front row)- looking forward to seeing the photos.
Then Chris and I headed over to his parent's house for the rest of the afternoon and dinner, then we went to the reception. We stayed until the cake was cut, but disappeared after that - both of us were utterly shattered.
Favourite moment of the evening was when Cat came over to chat, and I asked whether she had a cold; she said yes, and that the first thing she did after she and Ed were married was to hand him a snotty hanky because her wedding dress lacked pockets - I nealy died laughing! It's so like her :) Will never forget the morning that I wondered through to the kitchen for breakfast; Cat came through and said, "Oh, by the way, Ed and I got engaged yesterday afternoon in the graveyard [across the road]".
Have to start thinking of them as Mr and Mrs Kinley now :-S

Gah!

2007-04-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, such a big mistake! Big, big, big mistake! I embarress myself so much at times that it's just scary, and it's not as if I can blame drink or being blonde! I think I need to go bury my head in the sand somewhere far, far away from here, possibly South Africa. Mo and Pete said I'd be welcome out there with them, and right now it seems increasingly appealing. Wonder what the chances of getting a job out there for a year would be? Hmm. Apart from being a rather extreem way of avoiding embarresment, it does sound like an idea... Admittedly it's 'all change' in a couple of months anyway, but am feeling like I'm in a bit of a rut here. Needs thinking about.

Another highly productive day

2007-04-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

So far I have...
got up, showered and dressed
made brunch for Chris and me; kippers are good :)
put through two loads of washing and hung up in glorious sunshine
did shop at Sainsbury's
made ginger cake :)
played on internet
avoided work
basked in sunshine a bit more
thought about working and decided it was a waste of time...
...then worked out I have 8 days til I have to hand this evil wodge of paper in and decided that maybe it wasn't such a waste of time after all.

Still to happen today...
Lou's coming over for a change of scenery, also being stuck in dissertation hell
Will continue on evil 'D' then email to parental unit to read and criticise
Laura's off home for a few days, so again have empty flat to work in
Might take a bath later to try and get rid of these rocks which are currently posing as my shoulder muscles.
Have muscles (of the shellfish variety) for dinner with wine and garlic :)
Watch some CSI - it's worrying just how addictive it is!!!!! And I'm also somewhat concerned by just how attractive I find William Petterson (Gil Grissam)!

So just now...
I'm gonna stop typing
Drink some coke
Stop wishing I were outside
Start working

The sun is shining and all is well...

2007-04-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

...well, as much as normal but certainly made better by sunshine :) (although it did take most of the Scots a while to stop running around, screaming about the sky being on fire and the mysterious dissapperance of the clouds, and realise that blue skys do occassionally happen, or so it is said).

So, mini update...
1) Hair got cut - huzzah! Although I do now look at little too choirboy-ish.
2) Dissertation is on it's way to being finished - huzzah! (only 8 day til hand-in)
3) Saw the 300 - loved it in almost every way :)
4) Parents want to let out the flat for the Fringe. Great, cause it'll make quite a bit of money, but not so great cause I'll have to move out and find somewhere to stay for 3 weeks, and I can't even go home cause I'm in the Savoy Fringe show. Hmm. Shall have to work something out soon I think.
5) Seasonal headaches have returned - booooooo! High pressure during summer gives me really bad headaches which don't go away with out painkillers, water and a darkened room.
6) Chris has now gone from Winter hibernation mode into Summer insomnia mode.
7) Need to start job hunting for the Summer - thinking about signing up to a temping company. Don't think I could deal with going back to Tesco; the job bores me silly and the customers are soooooo rude, but the pay is pretty decent so may have to consider it.
8) Found out a few things which suprised me about a certain person - wibble! :s
9) A girl from Savoy is appearing in a BBC3 documentary 'My Big Breasts and Me'; follows her story, as well as two other people's, as she decides to have reduction surgery in order to alleviate the chronic back pain her breasts cause her(BBC3, 9pm, Thursday).
10) Other stuff has happened, but I can't remember/it's not that interesting.

Back to work now, and will probably stop in time to watch Ugly Betty (It's my brother's fault for getting me hooked on it, seriously). Might go and work in the garden for a while :)

Right!

2007-03-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

In the next 10 hours I aim to have finished writing my dissertation and not have a caffiene induced headache/twitch etc. Ready, steady - go!

The next day...
Yeah...so that worked really well...(not)

not important.

2007-03-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

Gah! Stupid brain! I have too much to do to spend time thinking and yet all I can do is think, and not even about anything productive or relevant. Why do I find it so easy to fool myself? And what's worse is I'm utterly consious of it and I'm still disappointed when I remind myself that it's not real or likely. The curse of a good imagination. I wish I were more cynical then perhaps it would all go away.

Gonna stop whining now.